Is jealousy a relationship killer?

Posted on May 18, 2012 | 6 Comments

Dear Anthony,

My girlfriend and I are very serious and talk about marriage. But I’m a little concerned about how she accuses me of being too friendly with other women.  I guess I should be happy that she cares so much for me that she would be jealous of other women. But I wish she would stop being jealous. Am I making too much of this?

It’s hard to tell what all the contributing factors are in order for me to help you fully.  Maybe you’re a hopeless and obvious flirt that would naturally make anyone with you feel uncomfortable or unsettled.  Or maybe she has serious issues from her upbringing (i.e., abandonment by her father, or parents divorced) that make her exaggerate or be overly sensitive about the threat of other women to your relationship.

Jealousy is one of the most common things to happen in a romantic relationship, so it’s very easy for jealousy to pushed aside as an expected part of relationships, and not to be taken too seriously.  But I assure you, jealousy should be taken seriously.  Depending on what is motivating jealousy, it can be a source of death to the relationship.  You might both need to seek some kind of qualified counseling to address this to make sure it is nothing too serious.

Since I can’t know the degrees and nuances to your particular situation, I will just give a general overview about jealousy that could be of some help to you.

First, just as there is such a thing as righteous anger, there is such a thing as righteous jealousy.  Jesus had righteous anger when He overturned the moneychangers in the Temple.  God has a righteous jealousy for the people of God, His bride.

The reality that God is a jealous God means His love is protective.  He does not want his children to stray from Him or hurt themselves.  He wants nothing to disrupt the relationship He has with us. He is deeply committed to His people.  And he expects us to be committed to Him in return through obedience to Him. But what’s most important is that God’s jealousy is about doing what is necessary to restore the relationship.

Jealousy is, in essence, an intolerance of rivals. It can be a virtue or a sin depending on the legitimacy of the rival and the way the situation is handled.  Jealousy is often associated with envy, and too often produces a controlling and over-protective motive in order to subdue the beloved.  These things are never attributed to God, because God’s love includes His respect of our free will.  He does not force us to love Him, nor stay in our relationship with Him, as jealous as He might get.  His jealousy includes pity and mercy, never intent to harm and seek revenge.

Let’s turn the focus on jealousy that is negative, harmful and destructive.

Jealousy is not anger.  Anger generally subsides with time but jealousy coolly calculates and plots revenge.

This is an important distinction.  It’s one thing to be angry, but it’s quite another to seek revenge or purposely desire to cause harm.  Anger settles down in a short time, where jealousy pursues over time.  Anger is a passion of the surface that blows over; then there is a return to calm and clear thinking.  Jealousy is anger permitted to penetrate the depths of one’s being, turning into other more harmful and dangerous things, not so easily removed.

Without fail, jealousy inflicts a death blow to any potential your relationship has. This is because it intrudes on trust.  Jealousy is an enemy of trust. Trust is essential for love to grow between two people.

Peace is the fruit of trust, and jealousy kills peace.  Once peace is killed, there is disorder. Jealousy is a favorite toy of evil because it has as its sole purpose the disturbance of peace and the destruction of trust.

Even if it makes sense to become jealous, it’s better not to.  Better keep faith in love and trust, and allow peaceful environments for communication about any matters of concern that need discussion and resolution.  Choosing the path of jealousy only harms you, making you unfit to contribute positively to the situation.

It’s perverse to consider jealousy attractive. Some women are thrilled when their boyfriend shows that he is jealous. She interprets this as his being a man and standing up for his girl. These same women eventually find out that this jealousy does not die at the altar, but lives on within marriage.  It becomes no longer flattering and will take on new and more harmful forms.

Jealousy is fundamentally an insecurity issue.  The person somehow fears they will be abandoned. A person who is easily jealous doesn’t need a legitimate excuse to become jealous. They find reasons.

If your girlfriend is a jealous person, she must decide to implore the grace of God to help be healed of it. It’s no easy task to stop being jealous. Like all habits, it takes great effort to break it.

Human beings are often disordered, and our anger and jealousy are bad in motive, thus our jealousy acts with a petty, insecure, suspicious outrage which can kill a relationship that might never have had to end. God shows a beautiful, passionate commitment to us, and His anger and jealousy are ordered, without ever getting out of hand.

Jealousy is not the answer, even if there is just cause, strictly because it is counter-productive and causes more harm.  It also prompts a departure from who you are, and who you are supposed to be; namely, a Christian whose faith is strong.

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Posted in Ask Anthony, Dating

The Vow: a story of true love

Posted on May 2, 2012 | 7 Comments

About a month ago, I went to see the movie “The Vow” fully prepared for it to be an overall disappointment.  It certainly delivered, except for one scene that actually makes the movie worth seeing. The mother tells her upset daughter that she stayed with her husband after learning of his lengthy affair because she decided she was not going to punish him for his one mistake. She stayed with him because of all the things he did right, not the one thing he did wrong.

It was this powerful moment where marriage was defended with such heroism that inspired me to want to get the book written by the real couple to learn more.  Unfortunately, this situation never actually happened.  It turns out the real parents of the daughter were always happily married.

But I’m so glad I got the book and read the true story. What I discovered was an even greater defense of marriage.

First, this is a true story that’s hard for any of us to imagine.  Two months after Kim and Krickett Carpenter are married, Krickett is injured in a car accident that causes the loss of her memory to the point of not knowing who Kim is.  She has no recollection of their relationship at all.

Talk about never knowing what can happen. All single people and dating couples think they have the luxury of planning out their married lives.  But life is unpredictable, and God often has other plans.

Imagine having to approach life as a married woman with a man you do not know at all.  Imagine trying to live your married life with a woman who doesn’t know you, doesn’t want you, and doesn’t remember marrying you.

For better or for worse.  In sickness and in health.  These are the vows said at the wedding ceremony.  But that can’t apply to this situation, right?  The woman has no memory of you, and wants nothing to do with you.  You can’t force her to live out marriage with you.  Why stay?  She’s fine with you leaving.

Sadly, this is where many people get it wrong about the words of their vow and what their ultimate responsibility is.  Probably without knowing it, too many people enter into marriage with their own definition of what the words said in the vows mean, and put conditions on how far they will go in living such things as loving another through difficult situations.

Perhaps instead of vows, people would prefer a long contract that clearly defines terms and conditions.  “I will love you in sicknesses such as the common cold, the flu, broken limbs, fatal diseases; excluding such sicknesses as memory loss, depression, and addictions.”

Perhaps people want guarantees in this contract.  “I promise never to have anything happen to me that would change our standard of living or make you have to work.  I promise to never to lose my job, burn the dinner, allow the lawn to grow past three inches.  I promise never to change in any way that displeases you or make you unhappy.”

Sounds funny to have these kinds of conditions.  But for many people, love is conditional on these kinds of things.

Every couple says the same vows, but not every couple accepts the words at their fullest meaning and to their farthest extent.  Every couple has plans for their married life, but not every couple is willing to accept a disruption to those plans.

Kim and Krickett Carpenter enter their marriage with love and commitment. In both the film and in the true story, Kim Carpenter says he made a vow, and he loves her regardless.  She is his wife.  He promised to love her, even if she doesn’t love him.

Kim’s faith keeps him committed to the wife he loves and confident that God will work it out somehow, even when he felt he should let Krickett go and end the marriage.  Even more remarkable is that Krickett has complete recollection of God and her faith in Him.  She can’t remember anything about Kim, but her Christianity is in tact.  That goes to show that Christianity does not stem from the brain, but from the soul.

I couldn’t help but think how this could very well make the difference for a successful marriage.  It’s a matter of having the true faith rooted in the very being of person, and solidified through growth in truth and love for Christ.  Perhaps it is lack of Christian faith that makes one or both end a marriage.

Whatever it was, the story of Kim and Krickett Carpenter is remarkable in that they stayed together.  They did not have a marriage to build onto from Krickett’s view.  It was not romantic love full of deep feeling and friendship.  It was an act of the will based on circumstances that seemed obviously God-directed. Krickett realized that God allowed her to marry Kim for a reason, and that it was worth her being open to him.  They both started a new relationship and fell in love again, creating new memories and a new, renewed, commitment.

A new relationship.  That’s how you do it if there are no other options and you want to make it work.  The Carpenters both sincerely wanted it to work somehow, but could not find a way to make the old marriage work.  They made a new relationship because they believed in their marriage.  Most failing marriages don’t undergo such an extreme situation, but they have the same choice presented; namely, to make it work or end it.  Scrap the old relationship because it doesn’t work.  Establish a new relationship. Fall in love all over again.

Love can develop between two people who want it.  Love can grow between two people who see God’s will.  It can be the hard and rough road, but the pay off can be immeasurable.  Their relationship proves what it means to be “Christ-centered” both at the personal and the relationship level.  True Christians understand how God works.  They don’t want to run from His will, but rather run toward Him.

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Posted in Marriage

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Love doesn’t react in anger

Posted on April 24, 2012 | Comments Off

Dear Anthony,

I was wondering if you could help me. I really love my boyfriend, but sometimes he just snaps at me for no reason. I don’t like it when he raises his voice at me. I snap back at him in anger, which doesn’t make it any better, I know. But I don’t want him to think he can get away with talking to me that way. Do you have any advice for us?

I’m glad to hear you asking about this in a way that implies the love you have for each other should be able to find a way through this. Too often, couples who have similar anger issues (and frankly, every couple has some level of anger issues to contend with) take the easy road of breaking up, because one or both see the flare ups as signs that they are with the wrong person. So I commend you for seeking advice on how to address this before you decide it is a barrier to moving forward.

First, it’s never appropriate to take our anger out on another person. It’s always wrong to raise your voice at another in anger, no matter what the reason. Part of communicating well in a relationship is learning how to convey things that bother you in a way that is productive, not destructive or abusive. “Snapping” in anger is an action of weakness and lack of self-control.

Having said that, many good people snap at the person they love. In fact, it’s part of the comfort level established in the relationship to take our anger out on someone we love. It’s a sign that a person feels safe with you.

When it comes to anger, everyone has their moments. Perhaps we are very tired, or hungry, or had a bad day. There are many reasons why a person might snap at the person they love, and say something they regret.

Though the subject matter of the person’s anger is almost always directed at the person they are snapping at, many times it really has nothing to do with that person. I often advise people to think (even pray as it happens) that it must be something else causing this. The person you love is probably not out to get you. Every normal, healthy relationship will have its moments. The degree and frequency of the outbursts should help you discern if this is normal.

The last thing you want to do retaliate. It’s perfectly natural to get defensive and want to protect yourself against this injustice. But to get angry in return is counter-productive. It’s best to allow the outburst to run its course unabated, and then address it with him later when things are calm and back to normal.

It could be that your boyfriend is too emotionally unstable to date. He might even be verbally abusive, which means your relationship has to be put on hold, or even ended, until he can achieve anger management.

But let’s assume that he is the type of person who wear their emotions on their sleeves because they are passionate people. These type of people are as intense with their happiness as they are their sadness. The woman who loves this type of person needs to be someone who can handle it, but also someone who is willing to help him learn how to control himself and find a better way to express himself.

You must never be a doormat to this type of person. But you should learn how to manage the situation. No, he can never be allowed to believe he can get away with talking to you in such a disrespectful way. But you could try to learn how to help him calm down. Again, I’m not saying you should allow him to be verbally abusive. That is completely against your dignity and fosters an unhealthy relationship.

This is not easy, but true love finds it easy. Does that make sense? If you are in love with each other, then I’m sure it’s very easy to recover from these episodes of anger. Love also makes it easy for you to want to see past this very negative aspect of him and accept it for the sake of all the good about him. Finally, love makes it easy for you to want to find a way to help him.

Love inspires the desire to help the one we love. Love desires to help the one we love become a better person.

One of the important aspects of marriage is being a good helpmate. If you’re not willing to take the bad with the good, then you will be of no help to the other. Your boyfriend has some issues. Don’t we all! I’m sure you will want him to accept your issues and love you enough to want to help you with them.

It’s up to you to determine if you can be a helpmate and accept the bad with the good. If you can’t handle it, it’s best to let the person go, regardless of how much you love them.

We all have issues. With these issues comes the need of help through them. If we don’t know our issues or insist that others have to deal with them while we do nothing about them, then we run the risk of becoming isolated from other people.

Love each other with a love that accepts the way you both deal with daily life. And don’t marry until you have observed each other enough to know that you are willing to accept each other.

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Posted in Ask Anthony, Dating

Solid bunny vs. hollow bunny

Posted on April 19, 2012 | 2 Comments

The highlight of every child’s Easter basket is the chocolate bunny. I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into it. I don’t know about you, but I have always preferred the solid chocolate bunny over the hollow bunny. What an utter disappointment to bite into that ear and have it shatter chocolate crumbs all over. Half the fun is the struggle to work your teeth through that solid mass of chocolate.

The hollow bunny looks just like a solid bunny. But it has no substance. Unless it’s labelled, there’s no way to tell if it’s hollow or solid until you experience it.

Dating frustrations are much like this experience of the hollow versus solid bunny. You’re on a date with someone who is attractive and seems great, but then you discover that they’re not what you expected. Perhaps they’re not as spiritual as they claim to be. Perhaps they’re shallow and superficial. Perhaps they are overly self-centered and wrapped up in their own concerns. Perhaps they can’t have an interesting conversation.

One of the most common complaints I have heard over the years from Catholics about the people they’ve dated is that they were not what they seemed. They encountered a hollow bunny.

A person, for the most part, can’t help who they are in many ways. And the substance of another is often a subjective matter. Someone uninteresting to you, for example, can be fascinating to another. It’s a matter of being evenly yoked: properly suited for each other.

But some aspects of the hollow bunnies most certainly can be helped. It’s fundamentally deceiving, for example, to present yourself as a practicing Catholic, and then behave in ways contrary to Christian virtue. A solid bunny strives to live the faith they profess, and are considerate and respectful of the person they are dating in the name of that same faith.

Fortunately, that lack of substance is usually presented early on, and you can thank God that you found this out quickly so you don’t waste your time.

Putting aside the obvious ways to determine if you are with a hollow bunny, what about when it’s not so obvious? Some people you date and build a relationship with seem so solid. They are very outgoing, funny, talkative, charming, fun, interesting, cultured, and very serious about their faith. It seems they have it all. Or do they?

How many of us have dated someone like this only to find out that you still feel there is something lacking or missing in the relationship? But how can that be? Are you being too picky? Asking for too much?

Remember, the hollow bunny is not obviously hollow, and in fact, it can pass for a solid bunny without a problem. So this person is going to be attractive in every way. And that attraction is going to be a distraction from what is really important for a long lasting relationship with you.

With YOU! It’s about you, not the other. YOU have to be the one who keeps focused on what is really important to you. For solid bunnies, what’s really important is deep friendship with a consistent connection that keeps both of you exploring the person of the other.

A hollow bunny and a solid bunny would have a difficult life together. The hollow bunny will know it’s not solid and will keep trying to be what it can never be. And the solid bunny will tolerate the hollow bunny, knowing all the while the hollow bunny cannot satisfy, no matter what either of them do. This is why two people who have seemingly great qualities can still have a relationship that is rocky or comes to an end.

There are all kinds of reasons a solid bunny will stay with a hollow bunny. Physical attraction can trump conversation. Having someone fun to do things with can trump true friendship. Wanting to get married, have children, or some other goal-oriented motive can trump patience in getting to know each other as a person well.

Hollow bunnies are attractive people. But they should be with other hollow bunnies. Solid bunnies might be distracted for a time, but they eventually realize the person they are with is a hollow bunny. It’s best to make this determination during the dating process so that the love that is declared and exchanged is real and has a solid foundation.

Sadly, too many solid bunnies are prone to make three mistakes:

1) Believe everyone they meet are hollow bunnies and decide they have to settle on this type of person because their chances of finding another person of similar substance is unlikely.

2) Believe they can make a life with a hollow bunny, sacrificing what they need as a person.

3) Attempt to become a hollow bunny in order to get along better with the person they’re with, or believe they can change the hollow bunny into a solid bunny like them.

To settle on a hollow bunny is self-deception. You’re basically saying that who you are is unimportant. True love starts with your real self, and connects with another real person. The worst thing you can do is change who you are for another person.

We are who we are. Fighting against our own nature, our own personhood, our own interests, talents, attractions, etc., is a futile exercise. The cornerstone of love is the ability to mutually give of yourself.

Finding a suitable partner means uniting two hearts as one, based on a friendship that develops until you can’t imagine life without the other. As you date, pay close attention to how you become friends, and how you share that friendship. If you have substance together, you have much to share, and much to give. Go for a solid person who can build a solid life of love with you.

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Posted in Dating

Bring your luggage, don’t lug your baggage.

Posted on April 11, 2012 | 12 Comments

If you haven’t yet seen the film “October Baby” yet, find the time to do so. I can’t recommend it strongly enough. It’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen.

I’m not going to critique the film or focus on the obvious pro-life aspect of the story (that’s for you to discover for yourself), but rather I want to mention a wonderful secondary aspect of the film that has much to do with dating and the meaning of love.

A young man and young woman (both college age) are the main characters. The young man portrayed in October Baby is a shining example of every way to behave around and treat a woman.

What particularly impressed me is how this young man was not deterred by the obvious emotional baggage this young girl was carrying around. In quite a few situations in the film, her behavior, directly stemming from her understandable emotional scars, is enough to chase away most men. With stellar commitment to the friendship with her that he obviously considers in the highest regard, he fearlessly stands by her and helps her through the negative happenings her baggage causes her.

In a word, he helps her unpack her baggage. In fact, he finds the love he has for her includes accepting her emotional baggage as part of the mission of love.

Baggage, baggage! Sometimes that’s all you hear about from experts, “Avoid those with baggage!”

So what are we saying? That without baggage, everyone is perfect?

Another way to look at it might be this: think of what someone brings into the relationship as luggage. Luggage is what you need to have with you. Baggage is what you thought you needed, but you don’t.

I’ve heard it said, “love is having someone willing to help you unpack your baggage”.

This is the right idea. If it’s something that’s a part a person, the luggage is not a burden to be avoided, but a part of the whole person you are to love. To unpack our luggage happens often only when we have help from another, especially one who knows us well and loves us enough to handle us with care.

As you are dating, it doesn’t take long to discover things about the other that seem like more than you can handle. The question is not whether or not the person you date has luggage. The real questions become, is this something they need to bring with them? And is it something that you can accept? Can they accept all of you?

It’s about finding someone who wants to bring your luggage along for their trip through life. It’s not a burden, but rather an endearment worth working through with you. If it’s an emotional scar, then love inspires patience. If it’s children from a previous marriage, then love inspires courage and trust in God to embrace those children and all the challenges that come with that dynamic. If it’s a physical handicap, then love doesn’t allow any physical condition to convince that this person is not worth it.

Baggage might very well be severe enough to make a healthy relationship impossible. But most luggage doesn’t means that a person is not marriage material.

It’s understandable that someone’s baggage can be a deterrent as you are dating. It can be scary to consider what you have to deal with when it comes to this person’s past, or their emotional state, or even a physical condition. Maybe this person had abusive parents, or children from a previous marriage, or some kind of scar from the past that can explain why they behave a certain way in the present.

Everyone has luggage of some kind and to some degree. It’s wrong to believe that whatever your luggage is, no one will want to deal with it, and thus no one will want you.

Is there such thing as compatible luggage? I think so. Two people have to be able to understand each other when it comes to the things that comprise the negative and imperfect things about us.

This is why two who have similar experiences make a good match. Two people who grew up with abusive parents, in the same city, or with the death of a parent will have much to talk about and be able to relate to each other. The same with two people who are both recovering alcoholics, were previously married, or are cancer survivors, etc. Their similar luggage provides a natural connection and past experiences to make each other comfortable.

In general, accepting and dealing with another person’s luggage is a matter of love, kindness, patience, and compassion. You don’t have to have gone through something in order to be able to empathize with that person and have a friendship. You just have to be willing (as in “by act of the will”) to understand where that person is coming from.

A good, close friend knows how to listen, and how to be helpful, even when they can’t relate from personal experience. They care and they love, and that motivates the desire to want to know the luggage you have, and help figure out how to unpack it.

Being scared off by someone’s baggage might be more of a testimony to your own fear, rather than your inability to handle it. But it is important to be honest. If the person you’re dating has too much baggage for you, then by all means, end the relationship. The last thing that person needs is someone who is only going to hold their past against them. That’s not friendship, and that certainly isn’t love.

October Baby presents a beautiful example of love that grows because of the courage to help bring the luggage and unpack it. True love provides plenty of overhead storage for both of you.

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Posted in Dating

Meditation on the Crucifix

Posted on April 3, 2012 | 1 Comment

“We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become. If we love things, we become a thing. If we love nothing, we become nothing. Imitation is not a literal mimicking of Christ, rather it means becoming the image of the beloved, an image disclosed through transformation. This means we are to become vessels of God´s compassionate love for others. “

~ St. Clare of Assisi

We are destined to become a resurrected and glorious son or daughter of God, with God forever in heaven. Our life on this earth is a time of becoming that saint through the sufferings and failures of this life, as well as the restoration by grace and virtuous lives we live.

Fundamental to becoming a resurrected son or daughter is the requirement to first become crucified with the Lord Jesus Christ in this gift of life we have been given.

For Catholics, the Crucifix is essential for living out our daily lives. The Crucifix is the symbol of Christ’s ultimate act of love for us. The Crucifix depicts Jesus nailed to the cross and dying for our sins. We hang a crucifix on the walls of our homes and wear a crucifix on a chain around our necks so that we will be visibly reminded of Jesus’ love for us and our redemption.

For those who desire a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ, the Crucifix also serves as an ideal focus of meditation. Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen said that the summary of all our sins can be found on the Crucifix. It is, therefore, the perfect way to examine our consciences.

Examining our consciences while gazing on the Crucifix will differ from person to person primarily depending on our state in life. For unmarried Catholics who are open to marriage, an examination of conscience while meditating on the Crucifix should include considerations related to the desire and efforts toward marriage.

Everything Jesus suffered on the cross has a direct correlation to any and every sin possible to commit, and he suffered through His body for them all. The following is an example of what an Examination of Conscience might be for those who are single, dating, and desiring to be married one day, as they meditate on the Crucifix.

The Sacred Head crowned with thorns – The sins we commit in our mind

The head containing the very mind of God with all wisdom and knowledge is used for a sick joke to mock Him as king by the crowning with piercing thorns.

Do I allow and foster impure thoughts?
Do I allow myself to think ill will about members of the opposite sex?
Am I still scarred from past relationships that my attitude going into a new relationship is to be close minded?
Do I harbor resentment for those who have hurt me in the past, and allow that to affect my current relationship?
Am I thinking about other things while with someone I’m dating?
Do I think about someone else I would prefer to be with?
Do I date people I already know I would never be open to love and marriage with just to have someone to go on a date with?
Do I think about inappropriate sexual things while on a date?
Do I try to think of ways to get the person I am dating to have sex with me?

The hands nailed to the wood of the cross – The sins we commit with our hands

Hands that touched and were raise for healing and performing miracles are nailed to wood like common parchment.

Have I tried to touch a person I’m dating inappropriate or impurely?
Have I ever physically hit someone I’m dating?
Have I avoided doing things for the person I’m dating like cooking for them, or doing works of charity?
Do I masturbate while looking at images of the opposite sex or thinking about the person I’m dating?
Do I type dishonest information about myself or send uncharitable messages on dating websites?

The feet nailed to the wood of the cross – The sins we commit with our feet

The feet that took Jesus all over Judea so that so many people could experience the Incarnate Word among us and come to believe are now made stationary with one nail through both feet.

Do I make extra efforts to get to places I should go that benefit others and myself, or am I too lazy?
Do I busy myself too much going here and there, depriving myself of necessary rest?
Do I avoid going out on dates because I would rather indulge in my own selfish interests?
Do I procrastinate going to places or into environments that offer me a chance to meet a quality person of the opposite sex?
Would I rather stay home and wait for God to bring my future spouse to my front door, or do I keep my feet moving to do my part so God can do His part?
Do I walk with people who will enhance me as a person, or prefer those who get me into trouble or lead me away from God?

The body of Christ stripped of His garments – The sins we commit of the flesh

As if He is not humiliated enough from the scourging and the carrying of his cross, Jesus is made to be fully exposed in body as His clothes are removed.

Have I exposed myself to a person I’m dating inappropriately?
Have I tried to remove clothing in an attempt to engage in pre-marital sex?
Do I show too much of my body publicly?
Am I mindful that chastity is as much in the mind as in the flesh or the manner of dressing?
Have I become numb, indifferent, conditioned to nudity or exposed flesh that I’m no longer affected by it, or don’t even realize I should be affected by it?
Do I strip people of their dignity through my callus or cruel words and behavior?
Do take pride in clothing my body and the way I should cloth my body?
Have I stripped myself of all that would distract me from God, or at least made a lifelong commitment to daily work on all that would distract me from God?

The Sacred Heart pierced with a lance – The sins we commit in our heart

Blood and water bursts out from Jesus’ side after his Sacred Heart is pierced, showering the crowds with the fullest extent of His love and cleansing those who would be splashed with the graces of mercy.

Am I protective of the heart of the person I’m dating?
Am I careful not to break the heart of the person I’m dating through insensitivity or selfishness?
Do I see the heart of the person I date as something to win and make feel safe?
Am I too quick to feel love for someone I’m dating as to make it vulnerable to heartbreak?
Is my heart closed off and too guarded as to not allow a nice person I’m dating to get to know me and to foster love?
Am I patient and gentle about creating a homey atmosphere that makes the other feel safe to share themselves with me?
Am I a good friend, or am I hard to get to know and too quick to cut someone off when things go wrong?
Is my heart forgiving with a motive for bringing about peace, or do I prefer unrest and discord because of hardened heart?
Do I lust after members of the opposite sex in my heart?
Does my heart desire things that are incompatible with true love and marriage?
Do I allow my heart to be attached to someone whom I could never be married to?
Is my heart pure, allowing me to see God in everyone?
Is my heart open to change in myself?
Am I flexible with the things that happen in life, or is my heart sad when things don’t go as planned?
Is my heart in the right place, or do I have ulterior motives in the things I do for or say to the those I am dating?
Are my priorities straight when it comes to what and who I love?
Do I let my heart rule my decisions instead of consulting my mind and determine what is most prudent and for the best despite my feelings?
Do I love God with all my heart and desire to keep His commandments, or do I prefer my own will, or attached to someone too much that I willingly desire to please them before God?

The outstretched arms – The sins we commit of being unwelcoming

Jesus’ arms are pulled out as far as they can go, as if to show us that God loves us that much. Who among us can ever extend our arms out in full and say we love anyone that much?

Am I a welcoming person and make people feel comfortable?
Are my arms always outstretched and open to comforting those who need it?
Do I offer my arms to give hugs?
Do I offer the person I’m dating chaste hugs to show my affection and care?
Is my attitude in life to smile and open my arms to receive, or do I always look miserable and reserved and keep my arms to my side as to be stand offish?
Can everyone find mercy with me, or am I easily offended and make people feel guilty or inferior?

The suffering in silence – The sins we commit with our lips and our speech

Amidst the chaos of the crowd shouting at Jesus to save Himself and come down from the cross, He silently endures, speaking very little, and only when necessary.

Am I quick to talk and slow to listen?
Do I complain about every little thing when I should endure it silently and patiently?
Do I speak without thinking or consideration for the other person?
Do I enjoy bad mouthing about the opposite sex and bad dates?
Do I remain silent and accept annoying things on a date, or do I insist on making comments?
Do I look for positive things to say about the person I’m dating?
Do I say “I’m sorry” when I have said or done something wrong?
Do I say things that will help resolve problems with the person I’m dating, or do I remain silent and allow things to get worse while waiting for the other to make things right?
Do I say the words “I love you” without backing it up with my actions?
Do I speak kindly and with self control, or do I raise my voice or shout to make my points?
Do I monopolize conversation or talk only about myself?
Do I no talk enough and keep to myself too much while making the other uncomfortable trying to find things to talk about?
Am I abusive in my conversations with the person I‘m dating, making them feel bad, hurting their feelings, or trying to manipulate them?
Do I have a sincere desire to use the gift of speech to build up others and not tear them down?

The eyes impaired by blood and closing from death approaching – The sins we commit with our eyes

The blood from Jesus’ pierced head drips into his eyes, which now have only a distorted vision of the world.

Do I look appropriately at the opposite sex?
Do I realize that my eyes are the windows to my soul and everything I look at affects me?
Do I lack the will power to guard my eyes from those things I know are wrong?
Do I partake in looking at pornography?
Do I watch too much television or too many movies?
Do I over-indulge in visual entertainment, or watching the news?
Do I feel I need to see the things I allow myself to see?
Do I make eye contact with the person I’m dating, or do I look away a lot?
Do I make my date feel uncomfortable by looking at him or her inappropriately?
Do I look around at other members of the opposite sex while I’m out with the person I’m dating?
Am I wise and prudent about what I watch and read?
Do I criticize the person I’m dating when I observe what they do?
Do I observe the needs of the person I’m dating and act, or am I to self-absorbed to notice?
Do I pay close attention to the things that are unique about the person I’m dating and their interests so I can really get to know them?
Do I do things for the person I’m dating that shows that I have been paying attention to who they are?

The blood poured out from every part of the body – The sins we commit from holding back giving our life to others

With all the life of Jesus extinguishing from His body, His ultimate decision to lay down His life for us proves the truth of what it means to love.

Am I the kind of person who will do anything for anyone without counting the costs?
Do I desire to pour out my life for the person I will eventually marry?
Do I practice the concept of total self giving through the people that are in my life?
Am I selfish?
Do I prefer to always have what I want and do what I want, before considering the needs of others?
Am I impatient with the person I date and don’t give the relationship a chance to develop?
Am I only looking for someone who will serve me and please me in every way, or for someone whom I can serve and give my entire self to?
Do I have the capability of loving someone with all their faults and imperfections, or am I only willing to consider marriage if I know I the other person will always make me happy and never hurt me?
Do I see myself giving in marriage as Jesus gave in love for us on the cross?
Am I willing to choose a suitable partner and move forward with a loving marriage, or am I always making excuses for why I should not give myself completely to someone God has put into my life?

These are but a few questions to consider. As you pray before the Crucifix, allow the Holy Spirit to inspire you with further details of your life. It is all there on the cross for you to discover.

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I only have eyes for you.

Posted on March 21, 2012 | 6 Comments

In 1959, The Flamingos sang the romantic song, “I Only Have Eyes For You,” telling of love’s blindness to surroundings while eyes are fixed on the beloved.

Who doesn’t want love that is seen in the gazing into each other’s eyes?

Today, it might be sung that “I only have eyes for my phone.”  The longing to be together in person and make the kind of eye contact that shares an exchange of souls is being replaced with an obnoxious obsession to constantly gaze into the illumined screen of our mobile devices.  I have no doubt that most people look into the screen of their phone more times daily than they do into the eyes of other human beings.

The emergence of the mobile phone has rendered us officially available….always available. It has single handedly destroyed our right to solitude and private time.  In other words, we are expected to be available 24/7 just because we possess a mobile phone.  If you have one, it must be on, and you must be available for anyone who wants you to be. Right?

The crazy thing is that we have subscribed to it ourselves. No more do we permit ourselves to have times we are absolutely unavailable.

Some might say it’s a great thing because what if there is an emergency, etc, etc. Yes, I get that. But it’s hardly an excuse for taking away a person’s right to privacy.  I think this notion of constant availability in case of an emergency is bunk!  How many real emergencies do we have that can’t wait until we are done driving somewhere, attending a meeting, or even finishing our prayers?

Why do we allow calls and text messages to disrupt every aspect of our day?

I consider this is an attack on our fallen human nature; namely the excessive desire to be needed by other human beings and the desire to be in control.  These two fundamental configurations of our fallen human nature compel us to make ourselves unnecessarily available by phone. We need to be needed. And people texting each other incessantly throughout the day signifies this need. We need to be in control.  Having the ability to update your Facebook page while you sit in the line of the grocery store is empowering. Silly, but empowering.

We are at risk of losing the gift of solitude.  Life used to provide moments where no one could blame you for being out of touch.  But no more.  If you don’t answer your phone or respond to a text, there must be something wrong.  People actually get upset if the person they are trying to reach doesn’t respond for a long time (or frankly, 15 minutes).

The dating world also suffers because of this.  A couple are out on a dinner date and the phone is along for the ride.  Either one or both check their phone during the date. They must remain in touch with the rest of their world.

All relationships are suffering from this problem. People take it for granted that you don’t mind if they use their phone while they’re with you. We have been forced to share someone with their technology, and to accept it.  “Excuse me a second, I have to take this.”  “Sure, go ahead.”  Sure. It’s okay.  No problem.  I can wait.  I understand. I don’t feel like an idiot at all.  I’m just going to sit here looking around while you interact with your phone.

You might think I am over-dramatizing this.  Perhaps.  It’s true that there are good reasons to have that phone with you on a date, when you meet a friend for coffee, at a birthday party, or another event.  There are good reasons to take a call that disrupts the time you are spending with someone.  If that is the case, at least let the other know ahead of time that there is a chance of it happening and why. It should be pretty rare that you actually have to take or make a call. Can’t any of us remember the days before mobile phones?

I personally am grateful to live in a time of mobile phones.  The benefits to having them make me never want to go back. However, we have to become more disciplined about having them and using them.  We don’t want people interpreting us as being a rude person. We certainly don’t want to accept constant disruptions during important interpersonal time with the people we care about.

Just a simple thing like turning off your incoming email notifications so you don’t get those annoying alert sounds that you have new email can do wonders for your time with your dinner date. Phone interruptions take away your attention to the other person.  The flow of a good conversation might not be recovered once broken by a phone distraction.

This is bad and it needs to be addressed.  Whatever your habits are when it comes to mobile phones, you have to come to terms with them and make some changes.  Your eyes were not meant to stare into a glowing screen more often than you see the real world or the eyes of another.

Mobile phones and even texting are great things in and of themselves.  But they are not our lives, nor should they replace or disrupt normal human interaction.  We become less human and weaker spiritually as a person as we let our mobile devices dictate our time.  Reclaim your right to some privacy, some down time, and be unavailable at times. It’s okay. You can do it. Don’t feel guilty. Try it for a week and see what happens. Make it a habit. It’ll change your life.

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Posted in Dating, Single Life