boyfriends and other women

Posted on March 26, 2013 | 4 Comments

 

The following are actual questions from real women who have concerns about their boyfriends and other women.

My boyfriend works in an office with some really beautiful women.  I can’t imagine why he hasn’t fallen for one of them.  I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.  He knows I’m uncomfortable with it but I have never actually told him.  Should I just tell him to quit if we are going to have any chance at all?

The surest way to drive him away is to insist he quit his job, or show any insecurity because of his work.  Before jumping to conclusions, have you asked yourself some reasonable questions first? Why is he going out with you if these women he works with are so attractive?  Chances are he has already considered them, and concluded that none of them are right for him.  

You can’t keep your man from being around other women.  If your boyfriend working with other women is too much for you to handle, it’s okay for you to end your relationship.  But don’t make him feel like it’s because he did something wrong.  

The best approach is always to have self-confidence and self-respect. If he is going to grow in love with you, it will be because he loves you.  And I guarantee you will be more attractive to him by not displaying jealousy or any other behaviors rooted in fear of losing him to another woman. If he does break it off with you because he wants to be with another woman, that’s ultimately better for you, though painful now.  Don’t increase your chance of losing him with your fears, or by purposely driving him away.

Have confidence in yourself and inject positive energy in your relationship. Forget about other women.  If he starts smelling like perfume that you don’t wear, than have a talk with him.  Until then, build love in your relationship, not fear.

I’m happily dating a guy I met online.  I have taken down my profile, but he hasn’t.  I don’t like it that his profile still shows up for other members.  But I’m afraid if I bring it up, he’s going to be turned off and stop seeing me.  Do you have any suggestions how to handle this?

First thing’s first…don’t panic!  Many members forget to change their status.  There is no reason to believe he is playing the field just because his profile is still active.

Here are a couple questions for you.  How do you know his profile is still up?  My guess is someone else you know has informed you that he is still on the site.  But I have known people in similar situations who chose to stalk the person they are seeing, logging back onto their account just to spy.  If that is how you know, I discourage this strongly. Spying and stalking is not a good way to develop a healthy relationship or sincere love.

Secondly, how long have you been seeing this man?  I firmly believe that until a couple has mutually acknowledged they are exclusive, they are each free to see other people.  This includes keeping an active online profile, as well as meeting others in person. It should only take a couple of months to know if you are going to be exclusive.  

Assuming your relationship is exclusive, then you need to share your concern with him and see what he says.  But please…have a mature, adult conversation that has no accusational tone.  If you sound accusatory, he will get turned off, and rightly so. That will mean an otherwise good relationship that could have overcome a natural misunderstanding and concern is ended because of exaggerated suspicion and immature reaction.

Presented the right way, he will likely happily inactivate his profile based on your bringing it up.  If he acts guilty and awkward and won’t inactivate the profile, then you have good reason to consider ending the relationship.

I am in a serious relationship with a man I met six months ago. He is still checking out other women when we are out together.  I can’t tell you how much it bothers me. I put up with it initially, but find it ridiculous now. It makes me feel like he really doesn’t want to be with me and that I’m not special.  Should I just let it go or bring it up with him?

Um…yes, bring it up with him right away, and no, don’t let it go.  You’re right, it’s ridiculous and men should know better. Many say that men do it because they can’t help it, they’re “wired” that way, etc.  Maybe so.  But resisting that temptation is in the best interest of himself as well as you, and is common decency.  But also, a man who is checking out other women is keeping his options open.

My advice is to break up with him and move on.  You deserve better. A decent man will not do such a thing, even if he’s thinking of it or tempted not to resist it.  God willing, you will find a man who has no interest in looking at another woman in any way, let alone in such a objectifying way.

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Posted in Dating, Online Dating

Get Over It!

Posted on February 20, 2013 | 3 Comments

Have you ever had someone tell you to get over it when you’re expressing the pain of a failed relationship?

It’s not easy to get over it.  Whatever “it” is, you have been affected, and you can’t control your feelings or your memories. In your mind, you wonder how you are supposed to get over what happened to you, and how you can possibly get over the hurt.

Just when you think you are making progress, something happens to trigger what happened, and you play it all over again in your mind, making it as fresh as the day it actually happened.

Unfortunately, there are many people unequipped to be truly helpful at these times.  It doesn’t make sense to expect a person who is going through an emotionally painful experience to “get over it,” as if it’s a matter of decision.

Have you ever noticed that the people who say “get over it” typically present that advice with frustration?  That’s because they don’t want to go through your pain with you.  They want you to be over it so they can be spared having to deal with your unhappy state. They want to help and do care, but they just want you to feel better quickly so things can move on.

But what’s needed most is a friendship that allows for the painful emotions to be experienced without apology.

Why should you “get over it”?  Is it wrong to feel what you feel?  No, it’s actually very important for you to get through it as you are able to, because it’s real to you.  Everybody’s emotions are unique to themselves.  It’s not for anyone else to judge.

In fact, you are getting over it.  Just not at the pace those around you would like. You have to be honest with yourself.  If your emotional state tells you that you aren’t over it yet, then that’s fine.  Don’t be over it yet.

It might be true that we should not allow certain things to affect us and our ability to function normally and happily in life.  But yet, we are affected, and it does affect our ability to function.

This is to be expected.  St. Paul so beautifully expresses his own human complexity (which is true for all of us) in Romans, Chapter 7, when he shares that he does not do what he wants to do, but instead what he does not want to do.

All us experience things that we don’t understand.  Nothing exemplifies this more than when we try to process and deal with negative things that happen to us.

The brain does not provide human beings with the capability of a black and white approach to life.  There is nothing standard about processing things that come into the brain from the outside world.  Every person’s brain is different, because every person experiences life uniquely.

It’s a mystery why two people can witness the same event and remember it differently, or why it’s possible to have no memory of certain details of an event.  This is very common in dating.  Two people remember their relationship very differently, even though they were both there together and experienced the same things.

This does not excuse a person for behaving badly when something happens that they struggle to get over. The recovery process does not include causing more harm. The hurt person can be tempted to spread information about the experience that is skewed, misrepresented, or out of context. This can cause more damage.

We see a lot of this in the dating world.  Two people break up, and the one who has been hurt (or has determined they are the victim) tells everyone around them how horrible the other is.  Often, the core problem was simply that they were not a good fit for each other.  Yet, hurt people can spin their experience in a way that makes the other look like someone all people should stay away from.

You have a right to recover at your own pace, but you don’t have a right to judge what others did to “cause” it.  This is fundamentally because each person internally processes external information uniquely. It is extremely difficult to ever really know objective truth to situations.

This is why relationships are so much more about communication than about sexual attraction, financial security, or any other thing people tend to focus on.  And by communication, I mean the ability to share thoughts and feelings openly, and provide a safe place for each other’s complexities.

A person who is hurt can’t just “get over it” without people to help them do so on their own terms and in their own time.  The time period for moving on can often be shortened because of a good friend who helps you through or prolonged because there is no one to help you navigate outward expressions of that hurt in a healthy and productive way.

Hurt people don’t get healthier by force.  They have to get there on their own, but cannot get there without others to help them.  Most of all, they will never be at peace with themselves without forgiveness.  To ultimately “get over it” is to have forgiveness for whomever hurt them, as well as forgiveness of self.

Love is a light that navigates the way.  Jesus said He is the light of the world.  A true friend in your life shines that light of Christ while you’re in that pain so you never wander off toward the darkness.

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Posted in Ask Anthony, Dating, Relationships

Tagged

Dating like a grown up.

Posted on February 6, 2013 | 14 Comments

Most people are not aware of the subconscious ways they judge others they encounter.  For better or for worse, preconceived notions are well established in all of us. For those who are in the dating scene, this is a part of everyday life.   Only time and familiarity with another person can naturally alter and adjust these preconceptions so that there is an authentic experience of the person.

A major part of growing up (i.e., becoming a mature adult) is learning about what’s working at the subconscious level (self-awareness) and taking control of thoughts, words and actions at the conscious level (training the will).

The problem is that many adults haven’t grown up yet, or at the very least resist it as long as they can.  They don’t want to do the hard work of taking responsibility for themselves.  They would rather do whatever they feel like doing (the rule children live by).

For Catholics who are dating, it’s imperative to grow up when it comes to their faith as well.  It’s absolutely shocking to come across a Catholic who is so accomplished in their career, from academic and other important learning experiences necessary to help this achievement, and know so little about their own Catholic faith.  And further, some believe it’s within their religious education achievements to declare the Catholic Church is wrong regarding certain teachings.

I think what might be worse (and, frankly, more dangerous) are Catholics who know the basic teachings of their faith that they learned as a child from the Baltimore Catechism and believe they have everything they need to know.  It’s kind of scary to me that there are adult Catholics out there living their adult lives content to have a third grade level of faith.

All this is to say that adults are not children, so they cannot live any aspect of their lives like a child.  Adults must constantly be learning.  Education combats ignorance and forms the person.  Adult life rarely has an easy one sentence answer to a simple question.  There are many hard questions that must be asked, and not so easy answers to them.  Sometimes there is no answer to the question.

Adults have to be ready to ask more questions, do more research, and be open to the processes of life rather than expect absolutes.  Mostly, adults have to be compassionate, good listeners, and able to be part of another person’s process.

We should not be people who get quick answers and act, but rather become humble searchers for God and truth.  Truth is a wonderful thing.  But the process of living truths is often difficult and challenging.

This is imperative for successful dating.  The truth of love between two people takes time to discover and foster.  There is no quick answer to whether or not someone is right for you.  Dating is not a catechism experience of a question and answer.  There is always more to it.

For example, suppose your catechism dating experience of a first date had you asking “So are you Catholic?” and the response is “No, not anymore,” from which you conclude “this one is not for me,” and never see that person again.   Maybe if you hung on one more round and found out they left the Church because they don’t believe in going to confession.

To you, it’s simple: “I will not date a non-practicing Catholic.”  Okay, fine and dandy.  This certainly excludes a lot of people.  Also fine and dandy.  But what if it turns out that the person left the Church because of the way they were treated by a priest at their last confession?  Bad experiences of treatment by fellow Catholics and/or those who are to officially represent Christ are often the root reason for a fallen away Catholic.

Had you hung on to show sincere interest in the full story of that person, you might have developed more compassion and perhaps even been a source of healing that lead them back to the Church.

Life is not a catechism.  It’s full of lots of gray that can’t be easily dismissed or answered with one sentence.  Even with an objective truth involved or at stake, there are too many factors that can be involved and considered.

Now take your dating experiences.  Here are few scenarios:

  • The person starts eating dinner without making the sign of the cross to bless the meal first.  You decide they don’t really live their faith enough, and are immediately turned off and uninterested, rather than consider they might be nervous and forgot.
  • You’re listening to music in the car from your date’s iPod.  You learn it’s full of songs you hate or think no good Catholic should listen to and decide this person doesn’t take their faith seriously, rather than wondering if your own preferences might show how outdated and limited you are, or that maybe you are too rigid about something that isn’t actually so objective.
  • You are viewing the online profile of a person who seems very attractive to you, but you notice they have been divorced and annulled.  You decide you can’t contact them because you believe the Church gives out way too many annulments and that divorced people have too much baggage you don’t want to deal with, rather than considering that bad things happen to good people and your view about these matters might be too narrow and uncompassionate.

There are a lot of really good people out there worth knowing and loving who have a past or a way of life contrary to our preconceptions.  If we want to be successful in our relationships, it takes a commitment to growing up.

Do yourself a favor. Go over your transcript of personal inventory and see what areas about yourself need further education.  Never stop learning how your faith applies to the complexities of life and people.  Faith is a gift, and walking with Jesus Christ is a journey of learning how to live that gift as we interact with others and encounter Him within ourselves.

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Posted in Dating

Why marriage is the cure to selfishness

Posted on January 14, 2013 | 1 Comment

I read a recent article that started out by saying that “all marriages start off very selfishly.” He went on to say that people realize into the marriage that they can’t be so selfish and act accordingly.  It’s not quite that simple.

Catholic teaching tells us that everyone born is selfish due to original sin that configured humanity to a condition of a self-serving nature.  In Christ, through Baptism, original sin is removed, but its effects remain. Thus, we still have that strong tendency to serve ourselves as the priority in our lives.  Thanks be to God, Baptism also configures us to Jesus Christ and we share His divine nature, making grace available to us.

Now let’s look at selfishness from a practical level as it applies to dating, love and marriage.

Yes, it’s true that marriages start of very selfishly.  However, Christian marriage is a call to a selfless exchange of two people who become one in every way, and subsequently share that love with others.

This is a tall order.  More than half of all marriages fall short of this ideal. I would argue there are many that maintain their marriages but suffer tremendous strain due to unwillingness to address the weaknesses where love fails or is diminished, causing an environment that is contrary to the marriage ideal.

It’s easy to accuse one or both persons of being too selfish.  Is it selfish for a unhappy wife to want the affection of her husband when there is none?  Is it selfish of an unhappy husband to expect the emotional support of his wife but not receive it?

There is a place for selfishness.  Some selfishness is better identified as our “needs.”  Our needs are important and have an effect on how we love another.  If no needs are met as were expected, then love can die.  Should it die?  Probably not, if we only focus on loving as Jesus loved, which is a giving and self-donation without getting it in return.  But only God can live this kind of love.

Human beings fall short of this kind of love.  And it will always be this way.  Marital love is a tall order because it’s unnatural for human beings to accomplish.  It’s impossible because we all have needs, and we all have expectations as to how those needs should be met.  It’s not for us to discount these needs.  But it’s also not for us to excuse our behavior based on these needs.

The key is to accept that we are selfish people throughout our whole lives, and that success in marriage between two human beings is in embracing each other’s humanness as the probability, while mutually striving to become more like that unnatural divine love that is God.  We need to accept that 1) we are selfish and need to work on becoming less selfish, 2) only God can love us perfectly, and 3) any human being is going to fail at times in true love. This kind of acceptance goes a long way in how we approach our own needs as well as the needs of the person we love.

There is still the matter of our valid needs that do have to be met, at least often enough to keep us afloat. No person can sustain providing love to another by meeting all their needs, while having no need of their own met.  That’s not marital love.  Marital love requires both persons participating in the game. When one is down and lacks the ability at the time to give, the other needs to be the stronger one, and vice versa.

In a word, successful marriage between two very non-perfect people is a sharing of love that embraces the other’s selfishness in their moments of selfish acts.  When a selfish act is presented by one, it’s imperative that the other act selflessly in response in order to help rectify the situation and restore peace.  If both act selfishly through actions and reactions, the course toward failed marriage is set.

But I have already said that we are all selfish, and it’s unnatural to be selfless.  Exactly! Christian marriage is impossible without God.  More to the point, two human beings cannot sustain love for a lifetime without divine influence.

In order find a genuine love that can make a marriage work, you have to be committed to working on your selfishness.  It’s a ferocious passion not easily tamed.  If unchecked, we shouldn’t be surprised when not only can we not meet another person’s needs, we can’t recognize a person capable of meeting our needs.

We work on our selfishness primarily by selfless acts.  We have to practice it in order to improve.  It’s called “character development.”  A person of good character is not someone who is no longer selfish.  Rather, it’s a person who recognizes that selfishness is behind the problems, and capable of seeing the good and positive qualities of another above any bad decisions, mistakes, or unattractive qualities.

Marriage is the cure to selfishness because it forces a person to get out of themselves and tend to their spouse and children.  However, marriage only works to cure selfishness as both people are permitted to have setbacks because of selfish moments, and grow in selflessness together by being interested in and attentive to each other’s needs as they struggle and grow.  That is love that cannot fail.

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Posted in Dating, Marriage

The sublime wedding gifts of the Magi

Posted on January 6, 2013 | 2 Comments

Epiphany is the great feast of the three wise men from the east who followed a star to find the newborn king of the Jews and pay him homage.

They are magi, which basically means a group of astrologers.  Magi is the plural of the Latin word “magus,” which has to do with the science of studying the stars, traditionally known as “Astrology.”  We get the English word “magic” from “Magi.”

St. Matthew does not give us the names of these wise men, nor are we told how many there are and that they are kings.  These kinds of things come to us through Sacred Tradition.  It is Sacred Tradition that provides us with many insights into the meaning of Biblical events that are not verbalized specifically in the Bible.

One such insight is what I am interested in talking about today.  In today’s Divine Office readings, we hear that “the Magi hasten with their gifts to the royal wedding” and “today you reveal to men of faith the resplendent fact of the Word made flesh.”

Two facts:  The revelation of God becoming man, and the recognition of this event being a wedding; namely, the marriage of divinity with humanity.  Once God commits to taking on a human nature through the second Person of the Holy Trinity, it is once and for all, and can never be broken.  Thus, a wedding of two natures.

It’s very difficult to think about Christmas in terms of a wedding, and for many good reasons.  But a wedding it is. And without recognizing the significance of the marriage of God and man in the nativity scene, you don’t have the fullness of Christmas.

I personally love the gift giving component of Christmas.  I don’t even really mind how seemingly out of hand gift giving has become at Christmas time.  I certainly would rather have an exaggeration of gift giving than for it to go away entirely.  Gift giving is a central component of Christmas, and not because of Santa Claus or St. Nicholas giving gifts to children.  In my view, it’s because of the gifts brought to the child Jesus by the wise men.

And their gifts are quite extravagant to any outsider looking in.  What is a baby to do with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh?  I guess Joseph can sell the gold and they will no longer be in poverty.  And maybe burn the frankincense in the home for a nice fragrance.  And I guess you could use the myrrh on cuts and bruises.

I think we all know that these gifts are symbolic of what the Child in the stable represents.  Gold because He’s a king, frankincense and myrrh because He is divine (both traditionally used in religious worship).

But these gifts of the Magi are not because a baby was born.  They are not baby shower gifts.  They are wedding gifts because of the significance of “who” this baby is by nature, and what he is to accomplish because of this wedding day.  They are appropriate gifts for giving homage to the one true king and divinity.  Why else would they prostrate themselves before the Child?  This is an action done in worship only.

The magi have an insight to what has happened that those without faith cannot see.  A wedding has taken place, the greatest of weddings.  A marriage that will last forever, and will accomplish the greatest gift of all.

They recognize this event through their study of the stars.  They recognize the star as being the sign of the newborn king of the Jews.  They set out with the specific purpose of giving him homage.

So what did the newborn king of the Jews mean to these men of the east?  Why such a journey to pay such homage?  Because they were aware that they birth of the king of the Jews was the Christ, the saviour of the world.

King Herod had this same faith.  He knew one day the Christ would be born.  He acts sincerely interested in paying homage too, but only uses the magi for information.
But Herod misses the significance of Christ’s birth.  He sees it as a child who will grow up to dethrone him.

The magi understand the fullness of Christ’s birth, and why His birth is a wedding, and why it is right for them to journey so far to celebrate.  No more is God way up there and man alone down here.  God and man are united in communion via the incarnation, and the Christ child will one day marry His bride, the Church on the cross, for the salvation of the world.

The union of God and man is a permanent one.  This is by definition what marriage is, two becoming one.  But this marriage does not end at death in this world, like marriage between two human beings.  This marriage of the divine and human nature in the Person of Christ goes on forever.

God loves us so much that He became man so man could become like God.  It’s love that unites.  It’s love that makes Christmas so special.  And it’s the presentation of gifts that symbolizes the gift of union with the ones we love.

Christ is the Prince of Peace.  His mission is the restoration of peace between God and man. It is the gift available to all of us at Christmas, and all year round.

Ultimately, we all must journey to Bethlehem following the star every Christmas asking as the magi did, “Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We saw his star at its rising and have come to do him homage.”  What gift do you have to present to the Christ Child at this royal wedding?

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Posted in 6 stone jars

How is a relationship like a garage sale?

Posted on December 7, 2012 | 2 Comments

…from a distance it looks like it could be interesting, but up close, it’s just a ton of crap you don’t need.

These are the words from something I found on Pinterest, minus the profanity (though you have to admit, it’s the right choice of word). I laughed, of course, at first because I can totally relate to the garage sale concept of spending a lot of time rummaging through stuff in hopes of finding something interesting, but typically ending up wasting time over stuff you really don’t need. garagesale

What makes us laugh even more is the feeling behind this sentiment when it comes to dating. Who can’t relate to having the feeling of “I don’t need this in my life” or “Why should I put up with this crap?”

Funny thing about garages sales, though. Every once in awhile, you come across a real treasure among that rubble. Something the owner decided was no value to them, but you’ve been searching for a long time. And the more garage sales you go to, the more likely your chances of finding something very valuable.

We all want a good deal. We all want to discover something really special that no one else has. Many will tell you that finding a good deal and discovering something no one else has means making the effort and exhausting all possibilities to make it happen.

Many feel this way about finding love and getting married; that it takes getting out there to a lot of garage sales and exhausting all your opportunities if it’s going to happen at all.

I completely agree that men and women must make the effort to get out there. But finding a good deal and discovering love is so much more about God’s hand than it is our effort. I’ve said before: love is a mystery. It cannot be determined by us.

Because God is love, finding someone special and falling in love is, in a very mysterious and intangible way, about two people moved by God Himself toward each other, sometimes without even realizing it or understanding why.

We are not items at a garage sale that we notice and say “Ah ha! You are the love of my life. I’ve been looking for you at every garage sale imaginable, and now you’re mine.” It doesn’t work that way.

For many couples, love happens, rather than it is found after searching. When we are hunting for love, very rarely do we find what we’re looking for. The treasures people discover at garage sales are the product of luck, not determination. God allowed them to find it for some unknown reason. Why they found it, rather than someone else, cannot be answered. It certainly cannot be attributed to determination or the will to find it.

It’s like lottery tickets. Some people are so desperate to win that they spend hundreds of dollars on tickets because they believe it increases their chances. Then they find out someone who bought just one ticket for the heck of it wins the lottery, and they’re thrown into angry disbelief.

The expression “lucky in love” is kind of good. Luck is where our efforts meet God’s generosity. You don’t get what God wants to give unless you make some effort. But effort, in this sense, is not determination to achieve. It’s simply a normal pursuit of living life to the fullest as the person we are created to be. God has a way of providing for our every need. That includes getting lucky in love.

Love happens as we live life normally and without trying to force relationships or putting the pressure on ourselves and others to get married. Love happens when we least expect it because we are busy living a healthy, happy, productive life.

Yes, we need to get into environments that make sense to meet quality single men and women so God is able to influence the people who enter into our life. We cannot just sit at home doing nothing, nor can we be loners and anti-social. We have to increase our social skills, if needed, and persevere in motivation and effort to be social.

We cannot decide how God is to work in bring love into our lives. We must be open to however God wants it to happen, and be observant about the people who come along in our everyday life. You just never know when that person will come along.

Whatever your approach, you’re not going to avoid dealing with things you’re rather not deal with. Love between two persons joyfully and willingly deals with the rough spots that can easily be interpreted as crap you don’t need. You might not need it, but the person you love needs you to work with them through it, just as you need them to work with you.

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Posted in Dating

Does love mean never having to say you’re sorry?

Posted on November 12, 2012 | 2 Comments

Dear Anthony,

I have gotten very serious recently with a man I met on Ave Maria Singles. My only reservation so far is that I have never heard him say he is sorry for anything. I seem to be the only one who has to be sorry for things. If I try to tell him about things I think he should be sorry about, he gets defensive and upset and says I’m ungrateful. I’m starting to feel like I’m no good for him, and guilty for feeling a little bitter inside because he won’t ever say he’s sorry. What should I do?

Perhaps your boyfriend has subscribed to the erroneous adage, “love means never having to say you’re sorry” coined by Erich Segal in the best selling book of the 1960’s, “Love Story.”

Of all the many terms and phrases used to define what love means, this is one of the worst, yet adapted by an entire culture. This line is voted #13 in the American Film Institute’s top 100 movie quotes.

I would wager that you can’t find a single person who really believes that if they are hurt by someone they love, no apology is necessary. Yet, this line is was popularized, and repeated twice in the very overly schmaltzed (and truly unwatchable) film version.

Is this another myth related to unconditional love? You can treat someone however you like and heartfelt apologies are unnecessary, because people are supposed to love you for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health?

How absurd! What a myth it is that you can find love with a person who will never hurt you. Those who require that better refrain from relationships with human beings and stay single, or enter religious life to focus on their relationship with Jesus Christ.

This sentiment was not brand new in the 60’s. In the 1949 film She Wore A Yellow Ribbon, the John Wayne’s character says “Never apologize and never explain, it’s a sign of weakness”.

Another absurdity. So if you say you’re sorry and try to explain yourself, you’re a weak person, as if you are giving the other person some kind of power over you. Sorry, John Wayne, this is the wrong message, especially to men.

The truth is, it takes strength and love to apologize. Admitting our mistakes does not mean that we will no longer commit the same mistakes. In fact, never admitting mistakes means they will likely be repeated. Many people make the same mistakes over and over again. Saying sorry for the same mistakes fosters an inner consciousness that makes us more aware of those mistakes and strengthens our resolve to avoid them until we eventually no longer commit them. Much like going to confession for the same sins over and over again. We don’t avoid confessing the same sin because we are prone to commit them again. By confessing, we are working at lessening the degree and frequency, by God’s grace. It is the same attitude necessary to apologizing to those we love.

I think John Lennon is much closer to the truth on this matter when he said “Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” That’s an exaggeration, of course, but seems closer to the truth. In my view, the adage that makes the most sense is “love means accepting when someone says they’re sorry.” Or better yet, “love means never holding back from apologizing.”

This is because it seems to me that the apology has become more complicated than it should be. People try to read too much into an apology. Was it sincere? Is the person really sorry, or just saying the word? Does the person truly realize what they’ve done? Is there going to more than just the apology?

An apology should not be a quick way off the hook. Too many say they’re sorry only because they were caught and are only sorry because they got caught. But many others are sorry for doing things they did not realize would hurt the other. We should not be too quick to pass judgment on someone’s apology.

The risk here is that the apology itself gets overlooked when there should be a general gladness that, at the very least, the person is apologizing. I think this is where your inner discontent about your boyfriend never apologizing stems from. To not apologize implies that your feelings have gone unnoticed or are of no concern. To not say apologize because you assume the other knows you’re sorry has the same negative affect. We have to find a way to get the words out. It matters because words are powerful. They represent what’s in our heart.

In fact, the inability to say “I’m sorry” with sincerity and a sense of sorrow for something done is dangerous to a relationship, especially marital love. This inability to apologize, like you are experiencing, could be a red flag about things to come should you move forward into marriage with a person who will not say “I’m sorry.” It’s no minor thing that he won’t say he’s sorry. As far as you can tell, he does not believe he does anything wrong in your relationship. That’s pretty scary.

Saying sorry is so simple, yet so difficult. Why? The answer is pride and selfishness. Two things that should never exist when love is true and real. Let’s face it, we all make mistakes – no one is perfect. Admitting this is a real challenge for most.

There is always a risk in being a person vulnerable enough to say you’re sorry. Some people never satisfied and enjoy being miserable. They are the same people for whom an apology is not enough.

Some people say their sorry to pacify the situation, even when they’re not sorry. These people are peace seekers and just want to see things move forward. They understand the power of “I’m sorry” to defuse an otherwise tense and unstable situation.

Some people just cannot say they’re sorry out of fear of coming across like the weaker party in the relationship. These are the same people that have to make the other person feel bad regularly, so they can hold the power in the relationship.

It sounds to me like you might be with someone like that. I highly recommend you explore this more closely. There are few things worse than being in a marriage with someone who cannot say they’re sorry. It implies much more than just the absence of the words.

If couples never apologize to each other (and I mean both are able and willing to apologize when necessary), resentment builds and the relationship or marriage likely will end. Rare is the couple who bases their relationship on a mutual understanding that apologies are unnecessary. The majority of us get hurt very easily by the person we love. The more we love them, the harder we feel the hurt. An “I’m sorry” is just as necessary for all couples as “I love you.”

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Posted in Ask Anthony, Dating