6 Stone Jars

Home is the place where we feel safe, where we can shut out the world, enjoy the people we love and who love us, be accepted for who we are, and always go if something is wrong.

Home is the place where we grow into person we are called to be. Those whose home do not offer them these things will have all kinds of personal problems that disrupt their ability to develop.

Because it is a fundamental reality in every person to desire God, Who created us for Himself, and to be with Him, all pursuits of a home in this life are connected to the natural desire to seek God and can never be completely satisfied until we are in our eternal home in heaven with God.

We all want to be loved, which is to meet God in others. To be loved is to experience the Heart of Christ. All people deserve that home, that Heart, no matter what they have done.

The first call of the Christian is to love, to live that Heart of Christ, to be merciful. “What would Jesus do?” is sadly not a question we Christians are too anxious to seriously ask.

When it comes to dating and marital love, this is even more of a concern.

When you are falling in love, you are developing a dependency on the other for your happiness. It’s natural. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when they fail you. The law of love demands there be forgiveness if there is a sincere desire to be forgiven and of never doing something like that again.

If Jesus were sitting next to you, you would have no trouble disclosing every detail about what you did, and your regrets. Jesus, in all His mercy, would say something like, “It’s not beyond any human being to do such things” with the kindest voice, and in such a welcoming way. You would share what you did and ask forgiveness solely because you feel completely safe with him. The environment that Jesus provides is a safe, homey one. There is nothing that can happen that is unforgivable. His mercy endures forever.

We are also to provide such Jesus environments for others. Most especially it must be there for those we love. As you develop a relationship, and love grows strong and marriage becomes desired, that safe and homey environment should be present, cultivated, and well established. The more it is established, the safer the other feels about being themselves, sharing themselves, and even sharing their faults, weaknesses and sins. As they fall, they recover quickly because the mercy of the other is always there.

Now some cynical people might say this is a recipe for disaster because the other person will take advantage, knowing that mercy is waiting for them no matter what. This discounts the notion that justice for actions that must be tended to within any relationship, not too mention the emotional pain that needs healing. Though one might be merciful, they also can be hurt and must heal.

Starting with mercy is best because it says that no matter what has happened, we love each other and we are safe. We can get through anything. If the one who hurts you does not have a sense of that Jesus environment of mercy, they will have fear about what has happened. This fear can keep the person from doing what is necessary to remedy the problem, which can hurt the relationship.

How many of us have been in relationships where we felt we could not confess something we did, or fear disclosing parts or all of what happened? This is not normal in a healthy relationship. The Jesus environment is one of true friendship. True friends love each other regardless of what they do. When a true friend is wronged by us, their mercy is waiting. It might take time to re-establish the level of friendship and trust again, but they do not abandon you, physically or emotionally.

Being merciful is also incredibly attractive. It’s very hard to find people who will see you as Jesus sees you. People tend to first react with anger or some other negative reaction, instead of with mercy. This is very unattractive. When we do something wrong and that we regret, it is hard enough to face that within ourselves. When we have to face the one we love whom we have hurt, it is that much more terrifying. How incredible it is to have the first hurtful experience with the one you love be a merciful experience. They don’t react negatively. They don’t scream or cry or throw a fit. They don’t storm out.

Instead, they calmly look upon you as you share what you have done. Perhaps they first take your hand, or hug you, or softly speak. They first remind you that you are safe and home. They help you realize that nothing you have done is something they couldn’t have done as well, that you are not unforgivable, irredeemable, or unloved.

People do a lot of stupid things on dates. Most of it is out of bad habits they have developed. All of it is out weak human nature. It’s way too easy to pass judgment on others as you are dating, and way too convenient to say that this is not “the one.” And for many, it is entirely too difficult to trust those they date enough to cut them slack, give them a pass, be merciful. The risk of them taking advantage of you is too great.

Merciful we must be. We must cut them slack. We must give them a pass. We must make them feel safe and home so they can be themselves. We must work at friendship; true friendship. Love is kind and merciful. If you want love in your life, it must start with you.

When a person hurts you, consider what Jesus would do. And consider first that the only way for there to be real progress with the problem is if the person first feels safe enough with you to fail.

I can’t stress this enough. There are so many relationships where one or both live in fear of how the other will react if they screw up. What this means is there are way too many people seeking love who are not encountering the mercy of Jesus Christ in the person they are trying to get to know and grow in love with. Instead, their relationship is tainted by fears of what the other might do or say because of their shortcoming. What kind of relationship is that? Is that the kind of relationship we have with Jesus?

Our Lord told us that love casts out all fears. We are never afraid with Jesus because he is home; we feel safe with Him; we can tell Him anything and know that He will forgive us and share with us grace that helps us be better.

You most certainly are forgivable and redeemable. You are NOT your wrong doing and sins. You are a person. You have a right to feel safe enough to hurt the one you love, trusting in their mercy first, and prepared to fulfill justice in the situation second. You aren’t a terrible person because you feel too afraid to talk to the person you are in love with. A true friendship will naturally drawn out the desire to share everything as you feel safe and comfortable in that person’s love.

This is the essence of marital love. All single people need to practice providing the Jesus environment of mercy for those they date. It is the first priority for both of you, since married life is primarily about hurting each other and needing a safe, homey environment where forgiveness can be asked for and applied. If you fear talking to the person you are dating, or have experienced negative reactions as a result of trying to talk to them, and you don’t feel comfortable sharing your faults or wrong doings with that person, then there is a serious problem that must be remedied.

There are always going to be problems. Loved ones are going to fail you. Your first call in all situations is to be merciful, and to maintain a strong sense of the reality that only God can never let us down. In fact, expect failure in others and you will live more peacefully.

Marriage is a practical sacrament and institution. It requires two people who not only “want” to be married, but are capable of living out marriage. Too often, people go into marriage full of love and good intention, but no personal skills to fulfill their role.

I continue to observe more and more how the capability aspect of getting married is not typically considered and is disconnected from the aspect of desire for marriage by two people. This disconnection explains why so many people, particularly Catholics, over-generalize and over-simply divorce as being evil and wrong, and believe everyone who takes marriage vows must never end that marriage.

The capacity for marriage must be taken into account, however, when it comes to any marriage. It is a fact that there are people who desire marriage that just should not get married, whether for temporary or permanent reasons of incapability.

The reality is marriages are ending in divorce in great numbers often because the persons who entered into them should not have ventured into marriage to begin with. And often times, one or both were actually unfit for marriage, thus incapable of living out that which they vowed.

We must never use this assumption as excuse not to continue trying, or to end the marriage. The sad truth is that someone’s incapacity for marriage is not easily recognizable before a marriage takes place. It is discovered after the fact.

I am pro-sacramental marriage and agree with the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage and divorce. I have studied the subject extensively. There definitely are many marriages that end in divorce that shouldn’t, due to selfishness, lack of forgiveness, and a lack of endurance through difficult times which could be resolved through time, effort, and God’s assistance. To leave your spouse, for example, simply because you want somebody else, don’t feel love anymore, or because things aren’t as you expected, is inexcusable.

However, there are definitely divorces that happen that make perfect sense after careful examination due to one or both being incapable of making the commitment at that time the marriage took place, and perhaps having a permanent inability to live out marriage. Let’s look more closely at this.

First, it is worth pointing out that civil divorce today is not the same concept of divorce at the time of Jesus. Our divorce has to do with the civil agreement and civil law. In Jesus’ time, a divorce was related to the religious custom. Therefore, we cannot just dismiss modern divorce because Jesus was against divorce. That difference is for another discussion.

We must not get too caught up in a black and white notion of modern divorce in association with Biblical divorce. The Catholic Church does not recognize civil divorce. But it does acknowledge that it is possible that a sacramental marriage did not actually take place, thus issuing a decree of nullity regardless of the civil union. The Church will not even begin the annulment process unless there is a civil divorce, not because She wants to see a divorce, but because the civil divorce is the two individuals action of final effort to make it work.

What makes the sacramental marriage take place has EVERYTHING to do with both individuals not only exchanging free will consent, but being capable of giving their consent.

I read an article this week that quoted something I find disturbing. The person said that marriage is sometimes “analogous to an imprisonment” and those who suffer greatly in a marriage are meant to suffer as Christ suffered. Though marriage does often end up having levels of suffering that must be endured, a living condition of abuse or violence, for example, should not considered a noble Christ-like suffering to endure. It’s also not the most inspiring way to encourage young people to pursue marriage if they are sold on it as being an “imprisonment.”

People who are imprisoned want freedom. People on the outside don’t want to go to prison. So if there is any chance that imprisonment might accompany marriage, you can be sure people will stay clear of marriage all together.

The better approach is to see marriage as it is; namely, a vocation for two people fit to understand and execute the practical demands of a lifetime together creating a family that serves each other, enhances society, and glorifies God.

Too many have pursued marriage selfishly, brought children into the world irresponsibly, and have neglected their children by their disastrous parenting (or lack thereof). Children have a right to a mother and a father who raise them well and form them into quality people. The children will respond to and be formed by whatever the parents present.

Finally, too many terrible spouses have fashioned for the person they married an imprisonment they did not deserve nor should have ever been expected to endure. It is often the case that the spouse has no idea what they did wrong, nor have the ability to realize how harmful they are. This is very tragic, but it happens. And it happens because they are incapable of fulfilling what they entered into.

For many who are unfit, there is hope. With good help, effort, commitment to change, and God’s grace, they can turn things around for themselves and become equipped with the tools necessary to be a good spouse. They were capable of marital love but it was unrealized. Or perhaps they were young and foolish, and made an unwise decision to marry someone they were unevenly yoked with; who was not a suitable partner.

Sadly for some, they are deeply invested in the way they are and will never be able to be properly equipped or necessarily changed. They are incapable of marital love. They can live a very productive, fulfilling life in their work and among loved ones.

How to avoid marrying someone unfit? This is not easy, and sometimes cannot be known until after you get married and start living with that person. That is why it is very important to use your time well during the dating process and engagement period.

Learn about their background and upbringing, observe their relationships with their family members and friends (especially the relationship to their parents), ask lots of questions that pertain to the past and future, share and learn each other’s dreams, goals and interests. If there is anything that seems like a red flag, bring it up and see if you can get a satisfactory resolution. Don’t allow feelings of love to distract or blind you from what is important. Pray together and make sure you know that Jesus Christ is the most important person in each other’s lives.

Learn what is expected in marriage as husband and wife, as mother and father, and Christian persons living family life. Make sure you can observe the qualities, character, and actions in the other that prove the capability of living out marriage.

But don’t make this an interrogation nor be confrontational. You are trying to grow in love and depth with each other, not impose and insist. Allow the relationship to be natural while you both stay practical about the ability of your relationship to being lived out in marriage.

For those capable of a sacramental marriage, making the lifelong commitment in marriage is liberty and freedom at its best. Love is exchanged and lived out, even through all difficult times. It is not an imprisonment, which is forced upon you. It is more like Christ’s sacrifice of love, voluntarily laying down your life for the other.

Remember, you are dating and marrying a sinner. Everyone fails. How we respond to our failures and grow from them is what matters, especially when it comes to forgiveness. Those who are fit for marriage are truth seekers and acknowledge an authority outside of themselves.

We’re like children, we’re not men! Classic line of a favorite Seinfeld episode I got to watch again the other day called “The Engagement.” I can’t help smiling even as I recall it to write this article.

Jerry and George are in the diner (as usual) whining to each other about their love life. George ended a relationship because the girl liked to say “Happy, Pappy?” to him. Jerry just broke up with someone because she shushed him. “I’ve got a real thing about shushing”, he tells George.

Then there is a “eureka” moment of disgust.

“What is this? What are we doing? What in God’s name are we doing?”
- “What?”
“Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We’re like children, we’re not men!”
-“No, we’re not. We’re not men.”
“Are we gonna be sitting here when we’re 60 like two idiots?”
- “We should be having dinner with our sons when we’re 60.”
“We’re pathetic, you know that?“ – “Yeah, like I don’t know that I’m pathetic!”
“Why can’t I be normal?”
- “Yes! Me too! I wanna be normal!”
“It would be nice to care about someone.”
- “Yes! Yes! Care!”

George then talks of remembering Susan, the serious girlfriend who worked at NBC, and how he liked her. He says “You thought she was good looking, right?”, to which Jerry asks why he should care what he thinks.

Then the really hilarious scene takes place between Jerry and Kramer. You have to watch this for yourself to appreciate it and get the full affect. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
- “Absolutely not! What are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? ”
“Well…..”
- ”They’re prisons!!! Man-made prisons! You’re doin’ time!! You get up in the morning? She’s there! You go to sleep at night? She’s there! It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. “Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?” 

What happens next is George shows up at Susan’s door and asks her to marry him, while Jerry breaks up with the latest woman he is seeing because she eats peas one at a time. George feels betrayed. He assumed Jerry was going to go right out and get married, too.

To wrap up, the rest of this episode shows George restrained from doing what he wants to do with Jerry because he is “stuck” with Susan or needing her permission. He is depressing himself because she wants to see a chick flick instead of the action movie with Jerry, because she asks if he is going to wear the shirt he is wearing out to the movies, and because he can’t watch the Yankee game Jerry called him all excited about because Susan wants to watch something else.

It is one of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld because it makes me laugh out loud every time, it’s brilliantly and insightfully written, and the delivery of the actors is remarkable. So what is my point in taking so much time to recall this episode? Hmm, I forgot. Oh, yes….the point Jerry makes that he and George are children, not men.

I believe the writers of this episode have it correct; that the love life of many singles is childish. There is often a grossly immature and unrealistic approach to the people we date, rather than a firmly grounded, mature one. That there is too much concern with the “now” rather than the future; with selfish preferences rather than an unselfish acceptance of another human being; with a need to find someone who will pleasure us at all times, rather than a desire to serve.

It is very much the occupation of a child to behave in the “now” with only a concern for the “now” and with only a desire to get what they want, when they want it. There is no concern for what anyone else might think or feel or want.

Taking a childish approach to your love life only leads to the same fate that any child experiences; namely, dissatisfaction and harm. If a child gets their way, they become a spoiled brat who must always have their way. Subsequently, they become adults of very little use to others, let alone to love and marriage.

As funny as this episode is, all of us know (sad to say) that there are people who actually DO break up with someone because of an expression that person has that bugs them, because they eat peas one at a time, or because they were shushed.

More to the point, we know that break ups happen because there is an unwillingness to accept the other person’s ways, quirks, etc, because finding someone who never annoys you and who is always pleasing to you is of such high priority, there isn’t a person alive who can ever get past the hyper-sensitive filter you have created.

Thus, the childish dater (one who is steeped in immaturity) refuses to recognize how difficult they, themselves, are to be around and live with, and how blessed they should feel that someone wants them despite their setbacks and issues. Like a child, they can only act on the impulses of self-pleasure and gratification, crippling them from ever having a healthy, mature, adult relationship with someone of the opposite sex that leads to authentic mutual love and respect, and marriage that desires to serve.

Kramer convinces Jerry that marriage is a prison, where you lose your freedom, your mobility, your autonomy, your very self. He hardly desires to serve, nor to have a relationship built on mutual respect and compromise. He does not see any joy in sharing a life with someone. It’s true that marriage requires this compromise, but when you are in love, it is not only a joy, it is personally fulfilling to share such a life.

Poor Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine, as well as anyone else in real life who are like these characters at any level. I guess we know why these people are not married.

Jerry was right. “We’re like children, we’re not men.” He should have changed once and for all. Don’t make his mistake and remain childish. The love you seek demands you shed your immaturity.

Dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls. So what do smart girls get? A cat!

That’s a little joke I have come across that’s pretty funny. Like all jokes, there’s an element of truth to it.

The first truth is that many smart guys do go for dumb girls. Whether they marry dumb girls or not is another question. But I have heard many women distressed about why these intelligent, devoutly religious men are attracted to what they call “air heads”. Well, needless to say, there is probably an objectively gorgeous woman carrying that air head.

But in fairness to smart men, there are plenty who do want a smart girl, and are actively seeking them. And they don’t choose the great looks over the quality brain (though undoubtedly they would like both).

Perhaps it would be better to identify this issue another way. I have heard the women express, “What are we supposed to do while we are waiting for men to figure out what they want?” Women feel like life could pass them by waiting for a man. They have a legitimate fear that if they configure their life in such a way, it will backfire on them.

Unfortunately, the person women become while they’re single and pursue a career can be unattractive to certain men. By certain, I am thinking about Catholic men who want a traditional role of provider, and hope to have a stay-at-home mother for their children.

Does that sound too old-fashioned and stereotypical? Maybe even shallow? Regardless, a serious Catholic man will not mind a smart woman, as long as she is smart enough to want to give up her career once children come along and stay home to raise them. That’s what they are thinking.

And this is where a HUGE misunderstanding occurs, and both men and women can mess things up. The fact is, smart, educated, intelligent, practicing Catholic women who are successful career women do want to give up their careers to stay home with their children and be homemakers!

But there is a catch, and a smart man would do well to display his intelligence by heeding this catch. Smart girls need proof that they are not being stupid to give up their careers. In other words, they are not going to just give up their life and their work for anyone who comes along with their charming smile, good looks, and empty promises.

A smart man should want a smart girl, and he should be smart enough to make every effort to provide her the enthusiasm, trust and security she needs in order to make such a drastic change in her life.

Many smart men are sadly too dumb to realize that these Catholic career women will happily give up their career to have a family. In fact, many of them are dying to do it. While they wait for a good man who will not be intimidated by her intelligence, level of education, and perhaps even that she makes more money than him, they become career single women with no incentive to be otherwise.

So they wait and they wait.

What are the advantages to having a smart woman as a wife? A smart woman can manage a home. She has been out in the world, paying rent or a mortgage, paying bills, budgeting, etc. She knows how to organize and be efficient with her time. Yes, perhaps she is a little obsessive, or penny pinching, or particular, but that’s all part of her charm. (But girls, it’s not good to overdue it in these management qualities, especially if you try to do so with the person of your man).

A woman who has experienced life before marriage is an interesting woman. Do not underestimate the importance of being with a woman who is interesting. Men who just want a woman who is uneducated, uninteresting, and simply capable of bearing him children and being at his beck and call is likely not going to respect that woman nor treat her well. Slaves don’t make for good companions.

So what are men really afraid of when it comes to smart girls? Well, they are intimidated by a woman who can hold their own. She causes him to face his own inadequacies. Just who she is convicts him of his lack of courage to be with a woman who is capable of being his equal, and who can challenge him to be the best man he is called to be.

The very things that intimidate them are the things men need. Marriage should be the love between a man and a woman who are good friends, who respect each other immensely, and who bring out the best in each other. Education and life experiences help develop a person into a balanced and interesting person. Men should not be afraid to make a woman like this his wife.

I believe men are concerned that smart women become too hard, too harsh, too unfeminine, too worldly. Well, perhaps some of them have and should work to reclaim her “feminity.” But there are many great Catholic women out there who are intelligent, educated, successful, and are still very feminine.

A woman will give the world to a man she knows loves her, respects her, and accepts her for who she is. When she sees a future with such a man, he will experience love like he could never imagine.

Smart girls, stay smart. Men who afraid to pursue you are not ready to receive what you have to give. They want the wrong things from you. Don’t give it to them, especially in the area of sexuality. But be careful not to assume the role of the male in relationships. A smart girl knows the man must be the man, and a woman must remain the woman.

Smart men, don’t be afraid or intimidated. Pursue a smart Catholic girl. Be confident that you are smart enough for her and capable of loving her as she needs. Don’t assume. She may be nothing like the stereotype. Make her feel comfortable about being an intelligent woman around you. Then enjoy the dynamic, exciting, and beautiful relationship that can develop with a smart girl.

Oh, and if she does have a cat, give it a pass and let her keep it.

In the Sunday reading of St. Paul this week, we heard how the proof of love is that we love our neighbor as ourselves.

Many people might be prone to use this passage in justifying their “I am who I am” approach to themselves. This is me! Take me for who I am! The ultimate love of self, therefore, is that we permit ourselves to be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. After all, that’s “who I am.”

With this approach, the concept of love your neighbor as yourself becomes one of minding your own business. To love my neighbor would be to leave him be, because we would not want any neighbor attempting to question anything about us.

Sadly, many people actually dislike or hate themselves. They do not have a healthy sense of who they really are, their dignity, their self-worth, and their purpose. As a result, they are not able to take responsibility for themselves and their neighbor. They do not like themselves, which makes it impossible to truly love their neighbor.

This, of course, affects those who are dating in hopes of finding love, marriage and happiness. Instead of an ability to connect with someone who can be your equal, your close friend, your partner, there is more of an inclination to seek someone who will accept everything about you without question. Someone who can fill voids in a fragmented and distorted self that should be whole.

Every one of us are broken in some way, and sin daily. That comes with the territory of the human experience. But our fundamental dignity should compel us to desire to become a better person. We fall, but we get up and we ask forgiveness when necessary. We are weak, but God’s grace provides the strength to become who we are called to be.

That call is to be Christ. Baptism has configured us to Christ. We have a divine nature because of our Baptism. And that, fundamentally and truly, is who we are. We are Christ’s. We cannot say “I am who I am.” We must say “I am Christ’s.” That is our dignity. That is who we strive to be. Our unique personhood configured to the Person of Christ.

With this kind of love of self, we can love our neighbor as ourselves as we are called to. We are also able to offer anyone we date, and ultimately the one person we marry, a whole person who knows who they are, why they are here, where they are going, and what they are to do.

God willing, you find someone who also understands their dignity and loves themselves. Then, a couple is able to love each other without losing themselves, but with an openness to share in the person of the other.

When two become one flesh in marriage, it is a union of persons into one person, one life, one purpose; all without losing the individual self. Preserving your individual self is to preserve the person of Christ who is our identity, thus keeping us capable of the impossible; namely, the love of another person in the sacrament of matrimony.

I’m sure many of can look back on dating experiences and recall plenty of examples of people who didn’t love themselves enough to take care of themselves or be open to any changes that would better themselves and their ability to find a suitable partner in marriage. Hopefully, we can also recall times when we, ourselves, betrayed our own dignity by acting in ways that was a real turn off to those we dated.

The betrayal of our dignity, at whatever level and in whatever form it takes, diminishes our outward appeal and our inward life of grace. Thus we become uglier. Our life is a lie, of sorts, and we spend the days trying to fool others into believing we are something we are not.

How can we love our neighbor (or a spouse in marriage) if we cannot love ourselves enough to face Jesus Christ? He is who we are. If we are not Him, then who are we? We could be anything. Any pursuit of being ourselves on our own terms is to be nothing concrete and substantial and meaningful at all. That actually makes us dangerous.

Marriage is about becoming a help mate to another. It requires self-donation to the point of pursuing the other’s good before your own. The love of self is a love of Christ, who lives in us and through us. And His love life is service.

To love yourself is to serve to others. You give yourself away, and as a result, you become yourself. Love serves. Love of neighbor is service to them, not a demand that they accept you for who you are.

During the dating process, you need to see proof that the other loves themselves so much that they desire to give themselves away to you. And they must see the same from you.

If you harbor any dislike or hatred of yourself in any way, you have to seek help from someone who is capable of helping you discover these negatives and work on them. You must discover your self-worth in the light of the person of Jesus Christ. Live His life, a life of service, and by God’s grace you can overcome all problems with self-hatred. Above all, visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament often and talk about this. Ask Him to form you into the whole person He wants you to be. Ask Him to teach you how to love yourself and your neighbor, following His example.

Bring your best self to everyone you date. Your best self will be attentive to the other, while sharing all your faults as well as wonderful qualities, with the issues of your past as well as your efforts for the future. Being your true self that radiates Christ alive in you will be very attractive.

Should you observe a dislike of self in someone you are dating, including any ways they are abusive or harmful to themselves, encourage them that they have a dignity that makes them better than that, and that you would like to see it and share in it. Love them with enough kindness and patience that they trust you with their setbacks. Sometimes, a quality person who hates themself has never encountered an empathetic person. Regardless of whether dating the person leads to marital love, you will have at least helped this person to take a positive step toward self-worth.

Give yourself away in the name of Christ, who IS love, and you will become a vehicle of love to others.

Dear Anthony,

My boyfriend and I have been good friends for the past 5 years and we just began dating a little over 8 months ago. We have a lot of deep conversations and we both feel that God is calling us to marriage. Do you have any specific questions or topics that we need to talk about before we take the next serious step and get engaged?

Assuming you are both practicing Catholics who adhere to all the Church teaches, your deep friendship grounded in your shared strong faith is going to get you through life together, regardless of any unrest. Here are some things I would suggest you consider that I believe are the only would be helpful as you move forward to the next big step:

1) Do you both understand the commitment to marriage being permanent, requiring fidelity to each other, and being open to children from the moment you marry? Are you practicing Catholics who live a sacramental life? Do you rely on God’s grace and know to call on the grace of the sacrament of marriage once entered into? Are you ready to give yourselves to each other with a full consent of the will and based on first understanding what is expected in marriage according to the Church?

2) Are you both committed to being chaste through your engagement (not giving in to pre-marital sex, which can only harm your relationship and take away from both of you the gift of your bodies which the Sacrament prompts)?

3) Are you firm about never using artificial contraception within your marriage, nor using NFP as a form of contraception? Being open to life is critical. Spacing children is permitted if there is grave reason to do so, and NFP can help with that, but using NFP for a reason like wanting time to get to know each other or you just don’t want any more children when there is no grave reason not to be open to it would be an abuse of the NFP opportunity.

4) Have you talked about raising the children? How you will discipline, educate, and guide them? It is important to be on the same page about these things, but also flexible if life should deal you a hand you did not expect.

5) Do you both know how to forgive and ask forgiveness? You will spend a lot of time unwillingly hurting each other during marriage. It helps to marry someone who knows how to ask forgiveness as well as forgive. Too many marriages are laced with prideful people who don’t ever want to be wrong and must blame the other for everything.

6) Do both display proof that your love is grounded in service of the other? Do you tend to each other’s weaknesses and needs and see each other’s happiness over your own? Mutual love through service can get you through any trials, as well as help your love grow stronger. You are going to have your moments of weakness and need, and it is up to the other to be strong for the other’s sake at those times. Also, both of you are inclined to selfishness by fallen human nature, so love for each other and the children that come in marriage is the path to sanctity that is a selfless life. You will both inevitably have selfish moments that threaten the peace, so it is up to the other to bear those moments well, and help the other come out of that selfish moment through gentleness and kindness, as well as firm requests for the higher good. Dating and engagement should be a time of seeing these qualities in action. However you are together now will be carried over into the marriage. So make sure you have plenty of opportunities to be challenged to love each other in selfless service.

7) Do you both have God and His Church as your point of reference for what you believe and how you live your life? This is tremendously important when it comes to resolving problems. Having God and the Church as the authority allows both partners to help identify what is right and wrong about the situation and in the actions of each, and help to know who should be sorry for what. But keep in mind that it is always a call to heroic virtue in marriage to admit you are wrong when you are not, for the sake of the other who might be too crippled in the moment to admit they are wrong. That is an act of charity on your part, and charity is always the highest form of living true love for another. Resolve the situation later, make the peace now. But do resolve it. You are not a doormat for the other to take advantage of because you are so generous and kind and charitable. Marriages requires both to be working on themselves in order for it to be a success. One doing all the work is just a bad marriage that is being endured, specifically by the one must do what they have to do.

8) Are you both on the same page about finances and your standard of living? Many go through financial crisis during marriage and it ends in divorce, not because being in financial crisis is so bad for marriage but because one or both do not cling to each other through the difficulties, nor trust in God to provide. Living a spirit of poverty even if you are affluent is important for both of you as well. Do either of you show signs of greed or desire for money or material things? It is fine to pursue material things in perspective, but not as a priority of life. Nothing should come between you, especially money. So right now, whatever your individual income, careers, debt, school loans, spending habits, etc., you both have to come to terms with these things together and consider the future scenarios. You don’t want any surprises about how either of you factor in finances, if you can help it. Getting through the ups and downs of your way of life and financial situation together, without undo pressure on each other, is important. Helping the other in moments of weakness when they worry about money or job situation, etc., rather than making things worse by blaming or worrying, is also important.

9) Have you talked about your roles in marriage as a man and a woman, as a husband and a wife, as a father and a mother? There are definitely roles and duties in marriage that love demands we fulfill. To not be aware of them or define them together would be a big risk as you get married and just hope all will fall into place. Do not assume. Make sure you are both comfortable with each other’s understanding of what you should both be doing or be willing to do, or not do for that matter. Problems with assuming the other has been a great cause of marital unrest and discord. Don’t let your wonderful feelings of love keep you from talking about what your roles and duties will be.

These are wonderful things to have in place. But ultimately, it is the acknowledgement of God as your authority and relying on His grace that will get through, even when there are things not quite in place or still seem uncertain.

Two people who love each other with a mutual respect and a deep friendship are difficult to discourage from moving to the next step. These things are important things to talk about and work on. If you are both willing to seek truth and work on faults and accept each other, you have so much in place that make you ready for the next step.