So just how selfish of a person are you? Answer: Very. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. We all are.
Without a realization and admission of selfishness in your life, you lack the true charity required to successfully live out marital love. Therefore, your dating efforts are extremely risky.
I say “true charity” because there is an excessive, and an all too often undetected, amount of false charity. Many believe this is a well developed virtue of charity, when it is actually selfishness. This false sense of charity is the cause of many breakups of couples who are otherwise perfectly fine together.
Most love in dating and courtship starts with the feelings of love. We are happy to do things that benefit you or make you feel loved, as long as I am happy to do it and get something in return.
Charity is necessary for authentic love to be lived out. Love is sacrificial, stemming from will, and requiring actions purely for the benefit of another. But it is also stems from feelings and emotions that assist the will to be more readily willing to give to the other, while at the same time gaining benefit for the self.
A sacrifice, by definition, cannot include a personal benefit to self. It is a pure action toward the benefit of another, with nothing in it for yourself, and typically accompanying some kind of suffering (which, by definition, is a negative thing).
Charity is sacrifice. Voluntary sacrifice, to be exact. True charity is selfless, therefore, often painful or difficult, but it is also a deliberate decision. You have a choice, and the recipient of the charity is not entitled to your charitable act.
Charity is not a man holding the door open for a woman. That’s just courtesy and gentlemanly behavior, which fosters development of charity. Charity is not taking your sick child to the emergency room at 3:00am. That is sacrificial and does not feel good, for sure, and does come close to charity, but duty requires you to act in this situation. To do it is expected, and to not act is a sin, as well as harmful to the sick child.
Giving a drunk friend the only cash you have to get home for his cab fare to get safely home is charity. Tolerating an irritable boyfriend or girlfriend while on a date without letting it annoy you because of the time you set aside for it and the money you are spending, but rather being sincerely patient and accepting is charity. Giving up your night out with friends, which you were looking forward to, in order to stay home with your spouse who had a bad day and needs comforting, is charity.
Charity does not have to be on a “save the world” scale, as you can see by these examples. In fact, charity is most often in the little things. They are the every day opportunities presented to us by God through the people in our lives. These little acts of charity, done without resentment, develop the habit of sacrificial love which preps the person for larger acts of charity. The action was not required, but knowing it benefits another, you decide to do it. Voluntarily. Without any benefit to yourself.
The misconception about charity, especially for people claiming pious religious practice, is that we must be feel happy about the act of charity and display that outwardly. No! To have charity does not require it is accompanied by feelings of delight and enthusiasm, with all smiles and gladness. Charity is sacrifice. It accomplishes the goal of the selfless act intended, despite any feeling about it.
But charity done with joy gives the act more power, specifically to convert another. People are affected by witnessing someone doing charitable acts with joy. Because joy in sacrifice goes against nature. This is where love is not enough. Charity matters to prove authentic love is alive. Typical romantic love is selfish because there is pleasure in the acts of love, and often pleasant actions are returned from the beloved. True charity, done with joy, provides a benefit to the other and a peace within the giver because they have chosen to do something selfless for God’s sake.
This is the secret of true charity; namely, that it is done for love of God alone. God calls us to love our neighbor, love our enemy, do good to those who persecute or hate you, love as Jesus loved. Perhaps there is a selfishness in true charity if you consider that you want to please God in your action. If that is your desire, then please God, let there be more selfishness like this in the world!
The act of love that hurts, that truly sacrifices something, that is done voluntarily, and finds pleasure in the sacrifice because of the knowledge of pleasing God in the process, is true charity. True charity has unlimited power to produce grace in others that are directly or indirectly affected by the act done with joy.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta is a shining example. The beam on her face as she picked up the downtrodden of the streets and lived a life of poverty is the essence of charity.
But marriage itself is a form of charity. Think about it. If entered correctly, there is a desire to serve the other out of love for them, in the name of love for God. Often, love demands service regardless of whether love is returned. That is charity. This kind of love can endure for life when we know that the affection we all desire comes from Christ, Who showers us with affectionate grace when human affection is wanting.
Those who are dating need to develop an awareness and be conscious of charity in action with those they date, and how they themselves are charitable as they date others. The distraction of romantic love very strong. This love is not enough. There is still too much of a “what’s in it for me” reality to this kind of love. Learn how to step back and observe little acts of charity from your prospects for marriage, and reflect on your post-date acts of charity. Have you both been a witness to Christ in true charity? Do you display a genuine concern for the other’s well-being first before your own selfish desires?
You should want to be someone your future spouse can feel safe with, knowing that their happiness is your happiness. You should want someone who feels the same about your happiness. False charity would pit you both against each other to see who can be more charitable, and cause problems that can kill an otherwise wonderful, and God-intended union. False charity is a selfish desire to do good for the other, and resents when not able to do so and in the manner desired.
True charity is detached from any pleasure in doing what is beneficial for another. It’s voluntary. It doesn’t count costs. It accepts what is painful. Live true charity. Then you will be living true love that makes for successful marriage.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated. It is not rude. It does not seek its own interests. It is not quick-tempered. It does not brood over injury. It does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
These are the words of St. Paul in 1 Corinthians. They are the very embodiment of charity.
Great Article Anthony. I saw so much of myself as I look back over the journey of my marriage that ended with the loss of my husband to cancer. I see clearly that my love for him was, at times, selfish because he brought a sense of security and contentment to my life that really benefitted me and made MY life happy. I was happy just knowing he was in the world. When he became sick and no longer could work or do really anything, it was I who was bringing him all the security and contentment in caregiving. It was a challenge but soon became a joy to me in knowing I was given the privilege of caring for him until the end. It was an opportunity to see God alive in the Sacrament as we had promised years before. Marriage begins and ends with love but the love transforms into something quite beautiful when lived out in years.
Very beautiful article. It is in the little things of life that we must find Christ in our mundane 15 hours of waking, in our friends, family, strangers and the man or woman we are dating. A tough task, but through Christ all things our possible. We must die to ourselves slowly and keep on begging Christ to show us how we can love. Perhaps a good thing we could do is pray before we go out on a date, and continually have an ongoing chat with Our Lord throughout the day. Dying to self is crucial and the fact you mention again Love is given out and one must realize that one may not receive it back. A priest told me once you stop needing to get love in return from roomates and others then you are on your journey of maturity.
I pray we can all go forth this year and forever more begging our Lord to show us how to be charitable towards others in this one life we got! Patience and humility we must have too.
Thanks for this wonderful article.
I know that we have to apply this in all aspects of our lives. I will apply it to this situation:
My friends want to introduce me to a wonderful man that I don’t personally know, but I’ve heard of him and I’ve seen him in Catholic events.
I know that the fact that he is a “good Catholic” man should help me have good expectations, but I know that this is part of my own selfishness; I need to be aware that we are all in process of conversion.
However, as I read this, and I think of the future meeting with this man, and I look at past experiences, I feel concerned and worried. I didn’t have a very good experience in the past with a supposedly good Catholic man. Dishonest, sneaky, liar, hiding things, so others wouldn’t discover his true intentions and desires, etc, etc.
I know I have to exercise charity, but I am so scared right now of the so called “Traditional Catholic Men”, that I don’t know if I am not being “Charitable” with my lack of trust when I meet someone. I know that every person deserves the benefit of the doubt, but up to what point can we be so trusting and at the same time careful without being uncharitable?
I will take into consideration all the advices stated above. I will pray about my future meeting. I ask for your prayers, as well, as I am at a point in which it’s hard for me to “trust” any man at all, even the so called “Good traditional Catholic Men”.
Mary, as I read your comment, it strikes me as a slur against my sex, and I feel you are more angry and vindictive than truly concerned. It is not always easy to deal with your sex, either, and that is partly because of remarks like these which are so merciless.
It isn’t reasonable to put down an entire group of people because of one bad experience you had with one of them or even more than one of them. What about the Catholic women who are happily married? What about the men in your life who have treated you well? There must be some. Sometimes when women speak this way I think they are forgetting all the men in history who treated their wives and children well. Not perfectly, but well.
I’m sorry to hear this man hurt you. I will offer a quick prayer for you and your search for a future husband. But I am also going to say a prayer for the man who hurt you, because you know, if he’s as bad as you say, he probably needs the help more than you do! :-)
David, well said; excellent points.
great article and very true. I pray we will all achieve that kind of love and marriage and never settle for less since that’s what God had in mind to all of us.
“You should want to be someone your future spouse can feel safe with, knowing that their happiness is your happiness. You should want someone who feels the same about your happiness.”
This is key! If you have been hurt in dating by a very religious “traditional Catholic”, look back at when your God given instinct told you this person wasn’t safe. Too often we want marriage and a future with someone, rather than being able to let go when the signs are there and we get very hurt. I’ve been hurt again and again but I know my choice is to be wiser, be willing to take a risk again, or just nurse old wounds and see others through the lense of hurt. Too often I have met wonderful men (and women do this too!) who want to date, pursue and then cower under fear that it’s just not worth the risk of getting hurt again and end things. Don’t involve yourself romantically until you face the hurt and know that it’s not controlling you – take it to God and not to another relationship!
So true. My hubby is admittedly much better at true charity than I am. I will say, that I am not sure you can completely divorce charity from pleasure! There are times when yes, you give and receive nothing in return, and God’s pleasure should be enough. But marriage is such a beautiful thing and in a healthy marriage, it seems inevitable that giving to a person who reflects the image and likeness of God is just going to produce *some* pleasure much of the time even if it wasn’t your primary motive and even it’s just internal satisfaction that comes with seeing that person benefit. It’s also important to note that a martyr mentality can be dangerous in marriage for both the giver and receiver… a godly marriage *will* routinely experience mutual giving (unless one person is so physically ill they literally cannot give, like in a caretaker situation). We *should* expect that mutual sacrifice (which I do find rewarding), and some discussions need to be had if one person gives and never receives while the other takes. Some abusive situations come to mind, too. So yeah, it’s a fine line. When you’re dating, you need to keep sacrifice and suffering in mind. You need to realize it can’t be about making yourself feel good or receiving in return. But you also need to look for red flags of giving with no reciprocity. And “feeling good” with a person, while self-centered, can also help you discern if you are on the right path (gosh, I did NOT feel good with some boyfriends – for a reason!) as God does work with our emotions as well (although for some of us, our emotions are terribly untrustworthy!).