Anyone who is not yet married give a little cringe when hearing the words of St. Paul in the second reading of the Mass this past Sunday, taken from 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7:32-35.
Basically, the advice of St. Paul is to remain unmarried because to marry is a distraction to focusing on the things of the Lord. He is quick to say that this is just his opinion, and said not to put restraint on you, but rather it’s for your own benefit.
Of course, anything that distracts us away from God is certainly not to our benefit. But to get married, in and of itself, is not a bad decision nor a distraction from God. In fact, for those who enter into it with the right intent, marriage is a vocation and will lead us closer to God in proportion to the gift we make of ourselves to the other.
However, you cannot deny St. Paul’s point that a person who is married is divided, because they are anxious about the things of their spouse. By the very nature of marriage, you must tend to the things of your spouse. You can’t tend only to the things of God while neglecting your duties as a spouse.
St. Paul wants people to grow closer to God. Perhaps St. Paul was surrounded by married people who did not have time for the kind of missionary service that he was doing and loved so much. Perhaps he just wanted single people to realize that it is so much more enjoyable and fulfilling to serve God full-time, rather than voluntarily distract yourself from God by marrying.
The main point is that St. Paul wants single people to be free of earthly anxieties. It is worth considering “anxieties” in the sense of occupying the mind with thoughts about getting married one day.
People who want to be married one day and are unhappy that they are still single spend time dwelling on this fact. Some spend quite a bit of time on it. They build up a tremendous anxiety about when it will happen and who it will be with and how it will come about. This anxiety is negative and works against the person.
Single people sometimes make themselves crazy! They are their own worst enemy by over-thinking about getting married and why it has not happened, and even question God. They want marriage so badly, they miss the opportunities they have in the now.
Jesus is very clear about living in the now, and leaving the future to itself. He is also clear about taking advantage of your opportunities. Jesus told Martha that she was anxious about many things and that Mary chose the better option; namely to visit with the Lord while He was in their midst and not lose the opportunity by busying yourself with other normal matters that you can do anytime when the Lord is not visiting.
An unmarried person has an opportunity. It is the opportunity to do things you cannot do or don’t get to do as often when you are married and have children. But it’s also an opportunity to praise God and show Him you believe you are right where you need to be, and that He is right there with you.
Some people with anxiety about getting married take that negative anxiousness and try to kill off as much time possible with useless, counter-productive things to distract them from thinking about being single.
It’s very challenging to be alone with yourself when you are going through negative anxiety. It is a demon we allow to possess us when we are not diligent about combating it properly. It’s interesting that the Gospel reading of this same Sunday with the reading of St. Paul about the unmarried has the scene of Jesus encountering the unclean spirit in the synagogue. It is a demon! Demons are real, and they present themselves in all kinds of ways, including negative anxiety.
It’s understandable to not want to be alone sometimes and need to busy yourself with things to distract yourself from a perhaps unbearable time of dealing with being unmarried. But we must not allow this natural disturbance to take hold and turn into to something worse.
To be single is not a terrible thing. To be single when you really want to be married is not a terrible thing either. I feel for those who really want to get married but have not been able to yet, and perhaps never will. But regardless of why you are unmarried, the fact is you are. Now what will you do with that today? You cannot do anything about the past, and you cannot predict tomorrow. Today is what you have to work with.
I think every person who wants to be married should feel wonderful about that desire. It is a noble desire and we pray that God blesses you with a suitable partner to marry. Keep that desire kindled, because it is from God.
But you must also keep that desire positive, while tending to the things of the Lord this day. He wants to do great things for you and with you today. He is visiting you today as He did in the town of Bethany when Mary chose to be with him. There is much you can do today as an unmarried person for others, for yourself, and in all things for God.
What are your demons related to being unmarried? Anger? Bitterness? Resentment? Jealousy of married friends? Anxiousness? Depression about why you are not married by now? Find out what demons you have with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and by His grace, get rid of them. They are actually working against you being attractive to a potential spouse, who probably cannot notice your beauty because you outwardly display negativity.
Be free! So you are unmarried. It could be worse. You could be married in the way St. Paul describes a few verses before the portion of 1 Corinthians selected in Sunday’s reading; namely, that if you marry, “such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.” So maybe God is sparing you the affliction that comes with being unhappily married.
Keep doing what you can to change your unmarried status to married. But don’t be obsessed about it via anxiety. You want a person who will not be a distraction away from God, but will lead you to Him. That person is worth waiting for. And if that person never comes, you will have lived each day in the now, tending to the things of the Lord, and you will be happy.
So much sense. If only people married for the right reasons and single people just accepted that they have a great life, a life much more better life than most married people. Then we would have less divorces and broken homes. I haven’t been to church for years but I understand completely about how marriage can take you away from your own true purpose in life.
These days we are constantly being bombarded with the message that there is a vocations crisis. The whoever is doing the talking quickly adds, “not just for religious life, but for the married life too.” I am not sure this is a helpful message. I can see how it can be downright hurtful. All the stuff we hear about marrying young also falls into this category. Many people who are single are not exactly single because they want to be. Has the Catholic community ever stopped and thought maybe God is calling a lot of people these days to either perpetual single life, or a married life that does not start until much later in life than what we are used to. There is no reason to start inventing new guilt trips for things that are not sins. Many of us who grew up Catholic have a romanticized vision of a stay at home wife, many children, and a nice town not too far from family. I do not think this is what God has in store for many of us in the current generations. You know what though, I suspect if we are willing to look into it God may have something a little different in store and probably better suited to our talents. Right now both men and women of the laity are more highly educated than ever. Many single people are very talented professionals that have a lot to offer the world. We usually think of serving God simply as giving up everything and living in a convent or hut somewhere. This is clearly highly valued, but I think God needs our professional talents as well. For example, when I read the Pope’s encyclicals on social justice that have been produced over the last hundred years or so they can sometimes come off as self-contradictory. For myself I can say I have no idea how to begin implementing some of the ideas on things like treatment of labor and distribution of goods. The ideas cannot be classified as simply capitalist or socialist, or any other existing *ist except maybe Christianist, which I just made up. I think the Catholic community needs to as a whole take a step back and look at how we can harness the enormous resource we have in the single population. Single people can devote time and study and resources to begin generating serious professional Catholic solutions to the multi-disciplinary global problems we are facing such as the reform of health care, the economic system, and stewardship of the environment. Catholics are already responsible for inventing modern hospitals, the banking system, and the modern university system. Maybe God gave us a lot of talented single people to make some major overhauls to society once again. I am willing to bet too that once you get those single Catholics working together on some tought challenges in the name of the Lord, the resulting comradarie that develops will lead to more than a few relationships that are not just platonic in nature ;-).
I really appreciate what you said. I also see evidence of this in my own Catholic community. There are quite a few of us that work together to support each other in the faith and reach out to the community beyond us both in prayer and in action. Young people have so much potential to do good for the Lord and society.
Beautiful post, Anthony! I just brought up similar sentiments to my Dominican Laity group a few evenings ago. There are many amazing opportunities for single people to fully give of themselves in service to the Lord. For those who feel strongly that they have a vocation to marriage, there are so many chances to begin to fulfill that vocation even if one has not encountered Mr. or Miss Right yet. One can ‘practice’ raising Catholic children by teaching Sunday School or babysitting during parish events. One can ‘practice’ taking care of elderly parents and in-laws by visiting the aged in nursing homes. Seize the chance to go on that longer mission trip! Many of us, single, married and religious, know how painful loneliness can be, but if we focus on alleviating the loneliness of others, we just don’t have the time to sit around and fret about our own pain. Anxiety, and particularly the inaction that usually accompanies it, is the number one trick the Evil One utilizes to keep us from doing God’s work and letting His love and joy flow through us to others. Chances are -very- good that that love and joy may be the very thing that attracts a good man or woman into your life! Who isn’t drawn to the Face of Christ?
Hi Anthony!
Hope the cruise was amazing!
In regard to the single life, if people truly knew the adventure of serving Christ overtly without having to worry about caring for a spouse they would never get married. hee hee
Spiritual writers often compare mountain climbing with our interior exertions to get to God. You cannot climb a mountain with a spouse on your back or anything else! hee hee
Jesus said, “You still lack one thing. Sell EVERYTHING you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Only if you need marriage to climb should you. That is how you know whether of not to marry. Don’t be “sad” like the rich man but rather enjoy your agility. You are FREE to fly to the summit (but remember regular reception of the sacraments).
Spoken as a truly fun loving joyous “single” mountain climber. hee hee
Natalie Smith
Caring for a spouse IS an adventure of serving Christ. If one doesn’t see this as such, then perhaps the vocation of marriage isn’t for that person certainly. A true man would carry his wife on his back out of love with Christ providing sufficient grace to do so, seeking not only his eternal destination, but hers as well as their children. If God ever brings me to a vocation of marriage (just turned 29 and getting older by the second), I would hope my future wife shared this mutual focus on Christ. If my head droops from the effort of the climb, she would be there to point out the potential missteps and keep me in line throughout the journey. And I her.
Whether single or married, a specifically easy climb might be an indication that the wrong path is being followed. It is very easy to fool ourselves. As it is, I certainly have my own issues to deal with as a single which can be a hindrance in growing closer to God, and in fact also a hindrance to any future vocation. In the mean time it is my vocation to tackle what is immediately before me, and follow where Christ leads me. And perhaps one day I’ll be graced with the rare slap to the face :)
This is a beautiful article. But I think that people who are looking for a perfect spouse or live a selfish single life may use this as an excuse not to pursue marriage, when indeed, they might be called to it.
For those who are called to single life, this reaffirms their vocation and it’s very helpful, but if you feel that calling in your heart that says that you are called to married life, no matter how you serve The Lord, or the Church, there will always bee this interior sadness, not because God doesn’t fulfill you, but because in fact, you are not fulfilling the true vocation that He called you for. Happiness comes not only from serving God, and loving Him, but also from accomplishing and fulfilling the vocation for which He called you.
We all, whether married or single, are called to make our world a better place for everyone. We cannot demand from people who are not married, to just remain single to help our world problems; I don’t think that is too fare for us. A a single woman, I serve God in what I can, but there is not much I can do as a single woman; on the contrary, sometimes that inner-sadness (even though God is my all), freezes me, rather than helps me. Maybe it’s because I’m not called to single life.
I’m sure that those who are called to remain single will find enjoyment in their state of life. God is faithful to his promises and his calling to us, and I’m sure that you will be happy where he called you to be. I think that those who are happy to be single is because they are most likely called to be single. I know that we have to try to be “happy” even though the circumstances are adverses, but I’m convinced that God gives you the grace to be content where he calls you. It’s easy for married people to say that we, singles, should be just “happy” in our state of life. It’s not easy not to be able to “fulfill” what you feel in your heart you are called to do and be just “happy”.
I know some might say, well, let GOd be your first love, then you will find happiness and will find your spouse; I say, God should be our first love for all, single, married, etc. I know relatives and friends who got married very young or old, and they were not very much into the Church (well, just Sunday Mass), why should that be the ultimate cause that kinds us put a guilt on us saying that we don’t love God enough and that’s why we are not married? Not true, many are married and live a simple religious lives.
I agree with the previous comment by David. Indeed many are fantasizing, “with a romanticized vision of a stay at home wife, many children, and a nice town not too far from family”, and if this doesn’t come exactly like that, then they won’t even consider marriage at all. I don’t think that God will be very happy when we put obstacles in his plans for us.
Anyways, I really appreciate and thank all the advices for us single people.
wow, i found great reflections here in anthony’s article and in these responses. thanks
I agree with this on many levels, but I have to point out some struggles I had as a single woman (I am now married). I honestly felt it was a myth that I had more freedom as a single woman. :( I felt an incredible burden to support myself financially knowing there was no one else to partner up with or fall back on. I made a very modest income with limited time off. I felt “married” to my job and was afraid if I were to lose it what would become of me! I did not feel free to travel about or do extra charities and had quite the work schedule. With the economy, it wasn’t quite so simple as finding another job (and the job I had was perfectly good, don’t get me wrong). I also felt emotionally more drained in that well, for all practical purposes, I did not have the support of a partner in day-to-day life (those in difficult marriages, though, certainly have more reasons to feel drained than I did). I made a point to plug into the local community and make good friends, and that was very rewarding, but it took time and effort. :) As a married woman, in many ways I feel more free. Life is not free of burdens and marriage carries it’s own concerns and obligations and trials, but I do feel more free to be creative, make changes, deal with challenges, serve the Lord, etc. I feel like when one is living in their vocation (whether it’s the “limits” of the cloister or the “limits” of married life), they will feel a unique sense of freedom to serve God. Anyway, not disagreeing per se, just remembering feeling VERY divided between God and “the world” as a single lady!