Dear Anthony,
I’m absolutely fed up! I’m done! I’m tired of the singles trap and everyone telling me it’s just not my turn yet! Why isn’t it my turn? Why must it take so long? I’m tired of being alone! I’m tired of having no one to share my life with! I’m trying not to be upset with God, but seriously, enough is enough! And if you tell me it will happen in God’s time, I’m done with you too. I don’t mean any disrespect, but I can’t handle hearing anymore pious mumbo jumbo.
That’s a lot of exclamation points, indicating a lot of frustration. I can’t blame you, especially about not wanting to hear the same “pious mumbo jumbo” anymore. Of course, it’s not mumbo jumbo at all, but I will admit that many of us advisor types tend to take the easy way out by saying,“it’s all in God’s time” or “when it’s meant to happen to you, it will” or “I’ll pray for you”.
We take that easy way out sometimes because frankly, we just don’t have the answer.
When people are suffer, what they need most is empathy. I have no idea what you are going through and what factors are contributing to your obvious suffering. I only know for certain that you are in pain.
You want some answers, and fast. But that’s not going to happen. It’s futile to insist on and force solutions, and even more futile to succumb to anger and bitterness.
It’s very interesting that you mentioned being tired of “the singles trap.” That’s actually exactly what you have fallen into, perhaps without even realizing it. The singles trap is the belief that life is meaningless as an unmarried person. Marriage makes happiness possible at last.
You might be saying, “That’s rubbish! That’s not what I think.” Maybe not consciously. But consider how you feel, and what you are saying as a result of your frustration. You hate it that you are still single, and don’t want to be single anymore. That’s valid enough. I fully support that. But not to the point that you harbor anger, bitterness, excessive frustration, and resentment.
These attitudes are fashioned over time through voluntarily allowing negative realities to penetrate to the depths of the self. You are slowly but surely become these negatives. You allow your personal peace and happiness that are gifts of God to be rattled or replaced by the anger.
God created you first and foremost to love Him, serve Him, and be with Him forever in Heaven. He did not create you to be married. Marriage is not the answer to your happiness, nor the solution to your overcoming your anger. That’s a trap. The singles trap, to be exact.
It sounds to me that you believe you are entitled to be married by now and you are on a quest to find out why you’re not.
There are undoubtedly reasons why you are still single. Some of it’s probably your fault. Some of it’s probably the fault of your parents and your upbringing. Some of it’s probably the fault of free will and those who sadly choose to break up with you for stupid reasons. Some it probably has nothing to do with fault at all. But one thing’s for sure…..it’s not God’s fault.
In fact, it’s also futile to look for fault at all. When you do find out where the fault lies, it doesn’t help. It might provide some kind of distorted satisfaction, but you don’t find peace and happiness.
You can let anger run aggressively and recklessly until it becomes who you are, thus you are habitually a bitter, nasty, unenjoyable person to be around.
And then congratulations! You just made yourself completely unattractive to anyone who might be a prospective candidate for a marriage partner.
Do you see what I’m getting at? You might very well have good reasons for being upset as to why you are still single. But you can’t give into it. It’s not worth it. You only hurt yourself, and your chances of finding love.
You might never really know why you are still single. But you are. You are still the unique person God created you to be. He made you for love. Maybe you won’t live that love in the context of marriage. There are so many ways to give yourself away in love for God and neighbor that can fulfill your life and provide a lasting peace and happiness.
I realize that’s easier said than done. But honestly, what choice do you have? Keep succumbing to the anger, and you isolate yourself from God, the source of all love and happiness.
Have some people in your life you can trust and are empathetic when you need to vent. This will help you prevent your natural and understandable frustrating moments from becoming part of who you are.
Give all your problems, emotions, and negativity to God (really letting it go and making it His problem), and you are truly free.
It might be pious mumbo jumbo to say it, but be happy that you were created by God, you are loved intimately by God, and you are destined to be with God. Your life has purpose and meaning regardless of marriage. Be happy, and don’t let anything or anyone take it from you.
Well said, Anthony! We can never be sure exactly why we are single at any point in our lives, especially if we really do not want to be. But, what we can be sure of is God’s great love for us, and not let our absence of having a special significant other in our lives be defining of who we are. We were created to love and be loved; to be loved by God is enough, in fact, overwhelmingly enough. If we allow the state of being single (and not wanting to be) to steal our joy, then we ourselves forget how to love, and the reasons God created us in the first place…to know, love, and serve Him (and hopefully find that special someone along life’s journey).
If I may add to the discussion, I strongly believe that any marriage or partnership of some sort is not the solution to anything, not even to ‘solitude’ or lack of intimacy. Your life has full value like it is now, and you have the power to make it as fulfilling as any other married person. I believe that all moments in life are better shared than spent alone, but I would encourage you and all singles, to look around in your lifes and re-discover all those loving relationships that, without being a relationship man-woman, can fulfill that ‘emotional emptyness’ you are experiencing right now; rediscover the value of what you have now and what they bring to you. And I mean all sorts of loving-relationships: family, friends, even your relationship with your hobbies, passions and job. While your desire to find your soul mate is very valid and natural, do not let it occupy so much of your mental space and energy to the point that it becomes almost like your only ambition or desire in life, like the missing piece of the big puzzle of your life. There are a lot of advantadges in being single, and lots of disadvantadges as well, so enjoy as much as you can now all the advantadges because once you find your man, that’s it! no way back :-)
And yes, you may not find the man of your dreams and be single forever, but if you do not accept that even in that situation you can be truly happy and do something valuable with your life, you will be living with eternal frustration and anxiety. Look at your life, enjoy how wonderful and amazing it is right now and if a man is lucky enough to find you, then decide whether he is worth entering your life. Otherwise, better single, really!!
Whenever I feel like this, I too question my purpose in life. If you’re equating your life’s purpose with only marriage, then you’ve already eliminated the many other reasons for your life. Your existence doesn’t and shouldn’t depend solely on getting married. Rather than thinking about loneliness, just go out and live.
We all have these thoughts about how wonderful our marriage with a soul mate would be. We think things would be better or easier with another, but how do we know if we haven’t experienced it? What if you married someone that you got bored with after a year? Or maybe those in-laws aren’t so great after all. Not to be too negative, but it’s better to remain single than enter a bad and failed marriage, especially if kids are involved.
Another way to look at it, the success rate of marriage in this country is 50%. Out of that 50%, only half are truly happy. So out of all married couples, 50% divorce, 25% are unhappily married, and 25% are happily married. Maybe the Lord is protecting you from and preparing you to beat those odds.
I am single and a while ago, I felt exactly what you are going through.
I try to keep myself busy by serving God. It keeps me happy but when I remember that I am single, I get the same feelings like you. I think it is a natural thing to feel like that sometimes.
I dont think blaming God is the way to go. He is our Father and he knows best. Well, now, at least and at long last, I have an admirer. so there is hope. I am 38 and he is 43 years. Keep praying… I know.. I know you are tired of hearing that… but keep praying and keep yourself busy with positive activities, your own will come.
God Bless
Make friends with frustration, because marriage and (especially!) raising children will bring its moments of wishing to express yourself with exclamation points.
And speaking of friends you would do well to learn to be a good friend and to win good friends for yourself. Your spouse will be (or should be!) your closest friend.
Hang in there.
Be as angry as you want. You can be ticked off too. You don’t need any of us and our responses to tell you how to feel. Feel how you want..use as many exclamations as you want…..and keep going. Many people understand what you are going through.ANY attempt by anyone to psychoanalyse you and why you are single are frankly….just an opinion. Remember that.
None of us are God and He does have the answers. Blame
Him all you want…He can take it…( Padre Pio said this- not me)
I think you are brave to voice your frustration. I think that you should also know that the bible does say that we are not supposed to be alone and that we are to be fruitful and multiply…
I am getting married soon, and we are planning a family. This can happen to you too. Know this and keep going…I find that many people who are married forget how hard single life can be many times-HARDER than marriage. Many of my married friends would agree with you- being single stunk. They are glad they are married. Keep dating- get out there and ask God hurry up for ya..no sin in that.
Well written reply!
I think for some of us the message that comes across from some married couples, especially a few on AMS is that if we just pray hard enough God will give us what we want. “I prayed and look, I found my dearly beloved!” What bothers me very much is the notion that if I just pray enough or am good enough I will get what I want. If we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going, God will find our spouse for us. So there seems to be this idea that we aren’t trying hard enough, or aren’t holy enough to merit a husband or wife. There seems to be this notion that God will always give us what we want.
I for one don’t believe God works this way, and it certainly hasn’t been my experience in my own life. For some of us, we will pray up a storm and live very holy lives but not get married. or see our marriages crumble or loved ones die or whatever it is. It may be that this will not be what God desires for us or it may be that for some wishing to remarry, another marriage may be the wrong thing for them – for their soul and for their spiritual maturity.
I think married people need to be more sensitive to singles and they need to be more inclusive. Include us as part of your lives. Have us for dinner. Invite us to family functions esp. those of us who live far away from family. Help us be part of the Catholic community, especially the “faithful” community which is almost exclusively family oriented and couples dominated. Realize and recognize that we have something to offer to the church. We are your greatest resource. Don’t look down on us. Don’t judge us as inferior. We are then less likely to fall into “that singles trap”. These kinds of relationships supply intimacy with others in our lives which is often dearly lacking.
Every one of the responses to the ‘singles trap’ post was well presented. Regardless as to how hard it is to keep a marriage intact in this day and age, I believe it is still harder being single. Particularly, if you are a single AND a faithful, practicing Catholic AND you’re holding out for someone especially similar in that faith. I know many single friends of mine that have ‘moved on’ and are comfortably situated in fully committed relationships. Most of them are Catholic but none of them considered their faith when it came to these new relationships.
For those of us who are single, faithful Catholic men and women, we may have it that much harder to meet our future husband/wife because we have decided to put God at the center of our lives, so that His will touches every aspect and His guidance leads us. It is not an easy path. It is indeed, most often, a lonely uphill climb with not a lot of opportunities to meet like-minded individuals on the way. Jesus endured a much harder path. If anyone knows our struggles, our loneliness and our need for love, it is Jesus.
So often, I hear, “He’s coming, you’ll see – keep praying – God’s got someone special for you!” Maybe, but it doesn’t help as with each prayer and every day that goes by, he doesn’t show. Maybe it’s not all about praying hard enough….I think THAT in itself, may be a bit of a trap. One can think too hard on that. So hard infact that you could start thinking…’hmmm, I get that it’s all in God’s time and it’s His will but I’m praying like mad, and so far, nada…am I just not that worthy?’ Maybe some of us are called to singledom – not an appealing notion for most of us…but if we are, we must turn that sadness, loneliness and frustration into something positive. It’s not going to happen overnight, but with some practice, try to stop feeling sick of being alone and instead, think of ways to enjoy being with just you and the Lord… and use this alone time to hear His will and worship while you wait.
Constant prayer and doing the will of God in each moment – also known as putting one foot in front of the other in the direction that He leads us – is how my husband and I found each other. Prayer, according to the many AMS success stories we have read, and to the Catholic/Christian couples we have become friends with both here and elsewhere, was and is an integral part of their search and continuing success. Praying up a storm will not get you what you want if you think of prayer mainly as a way to make others change in order to suit you and your needs. Prayer should first and foremost change the one who prays because, let’s face it, we may not be as holy as God would like us to be just yet. Maybe that’s when love comes to rest, and possibly stay. Jesus showed us how to pray, Our Lady reminds us to pray, the Bible tells us to pray unceasingly/ perseveringly, all the saints tell us to pray…so we’ll stick with the winning formula that the experts recommend, thank you very much. It has proven fruitful in our lives again and again and again.
If spouses are supposed to outdo each other in service to each other, then perhaps the better strategy and practice for singles is to be more sensitive to what married couples, their families, and other people need. Instead of moping and waiting to be invited, what’s to stop singles from doing the inviting or offering their help? When I was single, I offered to babysit so that my married friends could have a much needed movie date night. I came by for an afternoon to help fold the laundry and put away toys. I and a single male friend arrived as costumed storytellers for the birthday party of the daughter of a friend who had cancer. I helped out at an orphanage each Sunday for a year and a half. My husband traveled to visit his married friends – those out in the country especially appreciated his visits. He took them out or made them dinner. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, alone at Christmas, he served at soup kitchens. He helped move stuff, paint porches, revise resumes. If one doesn’t know how to be happy as a single person, do you really expect a prospective spouse to believe you’ll know how to be happy being married? Maybe that’s why prayer doesn’t seem to work – the attitude is at odds with the prayer.
This article was published in the Canadian magazine, Macleans this week. While I don’t agree with everything in the article here are a few things I do agree with:
“…a literary theorist’s take on how popular culture has not caught up to social reality when it comes to singles. Despite the fact that singles now outnumber married people, they don’t really exist as a recognized category, because our prevailing cultural narrative sees them as “real” people in waiting.”
“I’m not against couples—I’m against the fact that in our society it’s the way people become legitimate.”
Here’s the link:
http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/06/20/the-stigma-of-being-single-the-lack-of-role-models-and-how-coupledom-shrinks-the-world/
I’m a little late in this conversation…but I agree with both Patricia and Paul’s comments. Also I think, every single person who believe God is calling them to marriage has similar frustrations at times.
I don’t just want to be married, I want to be married to a person whom I truly love and respect. A person with whom I want to share my faith and my life with. Having been married, I know the feeling of contentment that comes with being with the right person. I am praying for that gift again.
Another thing to point out is that when someone is bitter when they’re single, they will most likely continue to be bitter when they’re married. Firstly because misery seeks company, so two bitter people joining in marriage simply adds another bitter person to the family. Secondly, your outlook on life doesn’t change when you get married. Only God can change your outlook on life. Marriage is a union of two people in love. Not a solution to your problems.