Dear Anthony,
The way you speak about marriage, I think I can say I have never see it in anyone’s marriage, least of all my parents. All my family’s marriages were bad, unhappy. So, how can I expect to be happy? And please do not mention God!
Sadness is the key to being truly happy. I guess you didn’t expect me to say that. I’m don’t think I would have said that myself until recently. I’m not saying that a good marriage means being unhappy. On the contrary. Let me share something with you I recently discovered and that I’m still considering. Maybe it will help you. (I can’t promise not to mention God, but we’ll see how it goes.)
Sadness is the vehicle to happiness. I learned this recently from my good friend, Dr. Peter Damgaard-Hansen. We were having cheesecake and coffee at the Cheesecake Factory, talking about what it means to be happy, and why so many singles feel they won’t be happy until they meet someone and get married.
It’s interesting what a little cheesecake will do to a brilliant mind. Dr. Peter, who is an expert in psychology, said (in his very inviting and charming Denmark accent), “You know, Anthony, the key to truly being happy is being allowed to feel sad.” We both stopped eating cheesecake and looked at each other. Then I said, “My gosh, that’s so true!”
We both realized that a profound truth was said, but weren’t sure where to go with it.
As we discussed it, it was clear to me that he was onto something. Since we were deciding what he was going to talk about on our upcoming cruise this January, I told him that this has to be a part of it. So I’m not going to try and pretend that I know anything definitive on the subject. Come on the cruise in January if you want to hear more. ;-)
But here is my early take on this idea that sadness is the key to happiness. More specifically, being permitted to be sad is the key. How sad it is when we are not allowed to be sad. How painful it can be something that comes so naturally to us is considered a negative that must be overcome.
We probably can’t imagine the kind of suppressed pain we harbor from the times we were made to feel guilty because we were upset over something, and someone made us feel that we should not be sad.
I think this is why you tell me not to bring God into this. You have probably heard things like “God doesn’t want you to be sad,” or “It’s all good and all God so be happy,” or maybe even, “Your sadness is making God sad.”
It’s very easy to say “Don’t worry, be happy,” but it’s not natural. When we are hurt, we feel sad. And we need to be allowed that time to cry or get through the sadness. A person who allows you to do that is a person who makes you happy. We don’t exactly realize this, I don’t think, but if you think about it, it’s true.
A woman who is upset and sad just wants her boy to hug her, hold her, and let her get it out, without trying to fix it. A man who is upset and sad just wants his girl to allow him to process it without being told to “be a man” or trumping his need with her own need, forcing him to be “on” when he needs a bit of time to be “off.”
The unhappy marriages in your family are likely relationships infected with lack of support, when two people don’t go through sad moments together, but rather go through it alone, without letting it out. Unexpressed sadness creates unhappiness. It might be said that marital love is the bonding that happens through experiencing sorrows that bring you closer in solidarity, and create deep happiness. Perhaps the enemy of marital love is happiness on-demand, where sadness is seen as a setback rather than a vehicle to happiness.
When unhappiness sets in, and there is no comfort or trust in the spouse to support you in all your emotions, then you have all kinds of problems.
There is a song by Meatloaf where he sings: “Will you love me forever…will you make me happy for the rest of my life?”. This is the expectation in modern dating, and it’s nothing short of delusional and out of proportion.
“Will you allow me to be sad when I just need to be sad or cry?” If you can do this for the person you love, you are a vehicle to helping them be happy. In turn, you are happy.
The lesson is this: A happy person is one who is allowed to be sad. The person you love allows you the room and time to let you get through your sadness. We don’t have to get the person we love to feel happy and cheerful again in order to get them back to themselves. In their times of sadness, they are very much themselves.
Allow the people you love to be openly sad. Their sadness and tears in front of you is a great trust. Give them their time and foster happiness. Give them your permission to be sad, and be there with them, without judgment. Be comfortable with sadness.
It does seem impossible to be happy (truly happy) unless we have someone we love to get through our sad moments with. God knows something about sadness that is key to happiness.
Christ was sad. He sighed and He wept. He wept over Jerusalem, He wept at the death of His good friend, Lazarus before raising him from the dead. He was in agony in the garden. St. Thomas More wrote extensively about this which you can read in the book, The Sadness of Christ.
Christ is always someone we can be sad in front of. And He is always the source of happiness that is experienced as we are in communion with Him, particularly together through sharing His sorrowful passion. We should take comfort in that and be imitators of Christ when someone we love needs to be sad.
Good post. In any close relationship both parties need to (1) make an effort to be cheerful and positive and humble enough to share sorrow when needed and (2) be willing to provide that shoulder to cry upon for the other party. Anybody without the discipline to be joyful and the unselfishness to accept another’s sadness will have diminished relationships.
There was some wisdom to this, but mostly it just seems like you were thinking out loud. We don’t need sadness to be happy. We’ll be happy in Heaven without it. But the reality of our exile on earth is that bad things will happen, and sometimes we’ll feel bad. So yeah, allow other people to feel sad. But sadness isn’t a part of happiness, any more than evil is a part of good. It’s just that we have to put up with the bad things because of the Fall.
Please do not mention God. For someone to say that, they must feel hurt and abandoned by God and I can understand that. This life is hard and at times it can feel like God is not with us. However, He is.
I was always taught that all of the pain and sadness that is in this world is due to the original fall and our separation from God. That separation is the root cause of all problems and Jesus Christ is the God Given solution and pathway back to healing all of our problems, including marriage.
In the Catholic Church, marriage is a sacrament, and as such it is a way of growing closer to God and if both people comprehend that, and invite God in, they will receive the Grace necessary to make it work. You are a kind and caring person Anthony, and you tried to honor this person’s request for a secular answer grounded in psychology, but in truth, the answer is always in God.
Amen!!!! to John Monturi,
Thank you for your word of truth and wisdom!
Smile and God bless you.
I beg the differ. There is a beauty to sadness. It helps us to be in touch with ourselves and others. Sad and haunting songs often draw us in. It is why Our Lord Himself has told us that in order for Him to comfort us we must grieve,”Blest are they who mourn for they shall be comforted”. Consolation comes after grief and sorrow which is often followed by joy! Nothing like a good cry :-)
Should we be discussing happiness and sadness or joy and sorrow? Did not Mary experience sorrow at the loss of Jesus in the 5th Joyful Mystery? There is a prayer “Mater Dolorosa, Causa nostræ lætitiæ ora pro nobis” or “Sorrowful Mother cause of our joy, pray for us”. God did not promise happiness in this world, only in the next where there will be no more tears.
BTW Barbara said it best, there will be no sadness (sorrow) in heaven.
There’s only beauty in sadness if good comes out of it, and the beauty isn’t actually in the sadness, it’s in the joy.
Scripture says best what I was trying to say. Romans 8:28 “In all things (that would include sadness and suffering) God works for the good of those who love Him”. Everything leads to the Cross.
Let’s not lose Anthony’s point. In a relationship the sorrows of life can be a means of coming closer together if both parties know how to use it as such.
before His resurrection, Jesus experienced great agony let us not forget that. When we pray the sorrowful mystery, it is followed by the Joyful mystery. Each time I pray the Rosary I remember that.
I like the points made by Barbara, John and ANON. I think part of the reason that so many marriages are unhappy, and there are lots of them is that many people expect their spouse to make them happy. Our society, more than ever, is very couples based. There is an expectation that unless you are part of a couple, you will never really be happy. Singles should be happy and satisfied with their lives on some level first BEFORE meeting and marrying. They should already have a fulfilling, active life. If they don’t, I think there will be problems.
Secondly our western society shuns the notion of suffering, at all costs. The general lack of faith in God and his providence means that there is no value to suffering and it is therefore to be avoided. In marriage when you bring two peoples lives together there is bound to be suffering both within the marriage relationship, on a personal level and in the extended families. Suffering, unfortunately, is part of the human condition in this life.
I too have many many relatives who have had unhappy marriages. But I also know that some of those marriages were entered into because they got started on the wrong foot (for example, many of my aunts were pregnant and being so in the 1940′s was scandalous – so they were forced to marry someone they probably shouldn’t have).
A realistic attitude towards life, marriage is all important. And marriage, like any relationship, even with God, requires nurturing and effort -directed towards the other.
I am by no means an authority . My experience married 27 years and losing a spouse to illness, we were immersed in the sorrow of our ending marriage and earthly life together. Even in the midst of that great sorrow, he and I experienced joy that was above anything else we had shared. That sorrow brought us, through our faith, moments of great joy in seeing first hand the Sacrament of Marriage to its completion. It was the sorrow that brought the joy. I associated the article written by Anthony to this experience. Maybe I am coming from a unique perspective that is not all-too common.
What a beautiful comment Mary Ann. I am so sorry you lost your dear husband. Your experience and your faithfulness to each other was a good example for all.
wow thanks for sharing your life’s experience Mary Ann. Very encouraging. It reminds us also that life is Too short.
life is certainly fragile and living each day to the fullest is what I have come to learn from this loss. Thank you for your thoughtful responses : ~ )
Pope Benedict said it better: “It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.”
― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salve
But just because God brings good out of evil, doesn’t mean evil is necessary: “For God created human beings to be immortal, he made them as an image of his own nature; Death came into the world only through the Devil’s envy, as those who belong to him find to their cost.” Wisdom 2:23-24
Yes…..and God bringing good from everything thwarted Satan by suffering to obtain our redemption thus sanctifying the act of suffering. All evil souls suffer after this earthly life but many if not all good souls and Saints suffer much while in this world. Many a Saint refers to suffering as “Pure Gold”.
Saying suffering is a reality is not the same as saying it’s necessary for happiness. And saying God brings good out of evil doesn’t make suffering good. If suffering were good, it wouldn’t be wrong to hurt people on purpose. But go ahead and seek suffering if you enjoy it. There still won’t be any suffering in Heaven,
Good point Barbara, but suffering is simply part of life. I’ll let the philosophers debate about its goodness, usefulness, or badness. What is that old proverb about shared suffering being half suffering but shared joy is doubled joy? I felt that was the point of this article.
seeking suffering would be wrong but accepting the suffering God allows in our life is holy and allows us the opportunity, while on earth for reparation of all the sins and offenses every human being commits. Every suffering large or small can be offered to God in reparation. Since suffering is inevitable while here on earth, I can understand the saints calling those opportunities “pure Gold” as they can make restitution in this world and remove time in purgatory. Not a bad (or evil) thing at all. And of course there will be no suffering in Heaven. Did anyone here ever suggest that?
You don’t need to repeat yourself, Mary Ann. Pope Benedict more than covered what you’ve been trying to say, and as long as you get that suffering is bad, we’re on the same page. I’ve understand the concept of redemptive suffering, probably at least as well as you. That concept doesn’t make me think suffering is necessary to happiness, anymore than I think death is necessary for life. We die because of sin and we suffer because of sin. I’m very grateful Jesus died to redeem us, but I’m not going to lie and say that I wouldn’t prefer never to have sinned at all.
Arch. Fulton Sheen would often beeny invited to various seminaries to speak to and look over various young men being considered for the priesthood. He always spoke facing the group with a rather large crucifix behind him. At the end of his talk he would always give a “thumbs down” to a few being considered. “what are you basing your judgement on”, the priest in charge would ask. Bishop Sheen would answer,”their eyes……….who in the group would constantly avoid looking at The Cross. Fulton Sheen said all should willingly, joyfully carry every cross God places on our shoulders. That s what I believe and Im sticking to it!
Oh for Heaven’s sake. No one denied that you should carry your Cross willingly. You should.
I think a marriage that has been tested through trials and suffering is probably a stronger marriage than one that has never had many trials. It makes sense that two people would grow spiritually and emotionally. Accepting whatever suffering come our way whether in marriage or in the single life is important. It doesn’t mean we can’t pray to God to mitigate that suffering.
And Barbara, I definitely can say that I would have preferred NEVER to have sinned at all.
Thank you. I’m glad someone gets what I’m saying, and I agree with you.
Ps Death is necessary to life. So much so that God Himself in the person of Christ took that route to His e eternal glory.
T
This is theologically incorrect. God created us to be immortal, but “Death came into the world only through the Devil’s envy, as those who belong to him find to their cost.” Wisdom 2:23-24.
And Jesus didn’t have to die. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16. Jesus laid down his life because he loves us. He chose to do so.
I’m not denying that people die. I’m saying that they die because they sin. “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”. Romans 6:23.
yes I would agree. Death was never God’s plan for us. Neither was suffering. When you are a parent (of older children for sure!) you come to understand just a teeny bit, I think, what it must be like for God to watch his children mess it up all the time, again and again. Marriages that don’t work (like mine was) are usually the result of pride, stubbornness and a lack of understanding about suffering, the vocation of marriage.
In conclusion, I agree with Anthony and St Thomas Moore and his book, The sadness of Christ.
@Patricia I think you’re right. It seems like lots of people end up going into marriage without understanding what it’s all about, and without understanding suffering. If I’d gotten married when I was a young adult, I certainly wouldn’t have known what I was getting into! Good thing I didn’t meet anyone back then.