Most people are not aware of the subconscious ways they judge others they encounter. For better or for worse, preconceived notions are well established in all of us. For those who are in the dating scene, this is a part of everyday life. Only time and familiarity with another person can naturally alter and adjust these preconceptions so that there is an authentic experience of the person.
A major part of growing up (i.e., becoming a mature adult) is learning about what’s working at the subconscious level (self-awareness) and taking control of thoughts, words and actions at the conscious level (training the will).
The problem is that many adults haven’t grown up yet, or at the very least resist it as long as they can. They don’t want to do the hard work of taking responsibility for themselves. They would rather do whatever they feel like doing (the rule children live by).
For Catholics who are dating, it’s imperative to grow up when it comes to their faith as well. It’s absolutely shocking to come across a Catholic who is so accomplished in their career, from academic and other important learning experiences necessary to help this achievement, and know so little about their own Catholic faith. And further, some believe it’s within their religious education achievements to declare the Catholic Church is wrong regarding certain teachings.
I think what might be worse (and, frankly, more dangerous) are Catholics who know the basic teachings of their faith that they learned as a child from the Baltimore Catechism and believe they have everything they need to know. It’s kind of scary to me that there are adult Catholics out there living their adult lives content to have a third grade level of faith.
All this is to say that adults are not children, so they cannot live any aspect of their lives like a child. Adults must constantly be learning. Education combats ignorance and forms the person. Adult life rarely has an easy one sentence answer to a simple question. There are many hard questions that must be asked, and not so easy answers to them. Sometimes there is no answer to the question.
Adults have to be ready to ask more questions, do more research, and be open to the processes of life rather than expect absolutes. Mostly, adults have to be compassionate, good listeners, and able to be part of another person’s process.
We should not be people who get quick answers and act, but rather become humble searchers for God and truth. Truth is a wonderful thing. But the process of living truths is often difficult and challenging.
This is imperative for successful dating. The truth of love between two people takes time to discover and foster. There is no quick answer to whether or not someone is right for you. Dating is not a catechism experience of a question and answer. There is always more to it.
For example, suppose your catechism dating experience of a first date had you asking “So are you Catholic?” and the response is “No, not anymore,” from which you conclude “this one is not for me,” and never see that person again. Maybe if you hung on one more round and found out they left the Church because they don’t believe in going to confession.
To you, it’s simple: “I will not date a non-practicing Catholic.” Okay, fine and dandy. This certainly excludes a lot of people. Also fine and dandy. But what if it turns out that the person left the Church because of the way they were treated by a priest at their last confession? Bad experiences of treatment by fellow Catholics and/or those who are to officially represent Christ are often the root reason for a fallen away Catholic.
Had you hung on to show sincere interest in the full story of that person, you might have developed more compassion and perhaps even been a source of healing that lead them back to the Church.
Life is not a catechism. It’s full of lots of gray that can’t be easily dismissed or answered with one sentence. Even with an objective truth involved or at stake, there are too many factors that can be involved and considered.
Now take your dating experiences. Here are few scenarios:
- The person starts eating dinner without making the sign of the cross to bless the meal first. You decide they don’t really live their faith enough, and are immediately turned off and uninterested, rather than consider they might be nervous and forgot.
- You’re listening to music in the car from your date’s iPod. You learn it’s full of songs you hate or think no good Catholic should listen to and decide this person doesn’t take their faith seriously, rather than wondering if your own preferences might show how outdated and limited you are, or that maybe you are too rigid about something that isn’t actually so objective.
- You are viewing the online profile of a person who seems very attractive to you, but you notice they have been divorced and annulled. You decide you can’t contact them because you believe the Church gives out way too many annulments and that divorced people have too much baggage you don’t want to deal with, rather than considering that bad things happen to good people and your view about these matters might be too narrow and uncompassionate.
There are a lot of really good people out there worth knowing and loving who have a past or a way of life contrary to our preconceptions. If we want to be successful in our relationships, it takes a commitment to growing up.
Do yourself a favor. Go over your transcript of personal inventory and see what areas about yourself need further education. Never stop learning how your faith applies to the complexities of life and people. Faith is a gift, and walking with Jesus Christ is a journey of learning how to live that gift as we interact with others and encounter Him within ourselves.
Great article with the grace to force one to admit “guilty as charged”. At the tender age of 22 I easily accepted my husband- to-be’s lack of commitment to his Catholic faith. As our marriage progressed so too did his faith and practice. We grew in our love for one another and the Church knowing that I was the light God used to help him grow. In the end I knew I married a good man but I buried a holy man. Fast forward to now. Would I be as apt to “fall in love: with a mediocre catholic? Maybe not. How wrong that is for those of us who say we are witnesses to the faith but retreat when someone comes along who needs that witness. I for one will remember this advice and “grow up” maybe for the first time at 60! Better late than never…..
Your article is truly a master piece. I plan to share some ideas with friends and family because the issues mentioned here are pretty common and create barriers for not only meeting good people but also bringing another soul closer to God.
I recently attended a wedding for a close friend whose husband comes from Northern Europe. The fellow was Lutheran but never practiced his faith because he did not see the need for loving and building a close relationship with God. One year down the road the fellow became Catholic because he wanted to learn how to love God the way his girlfriend (at that time)
did – prayer and virtue, and also his ex-wife didn’t want to have children. It was apostolate by example and the prayers from many other people that did it, by the way the wife comes from Africa.
Anthony – I sometimes read your blog posts, and they have a very interesting flavor to them that is unlike pretty much all Catholic bloggers. By any chance do you know what your personality type is? I would personally guess ENTP but that is based on just reading your blog posts so I am probably totally off. The reason I ask is that you seem to in general endorse a very open viewpoint of who someone should accept as a spouse. In a Meyers-Briggs/Jungian sense your advice seems to reflect perceiver values. Perceivers tend to like to keep their options open and gather more information vs those who like to see things settled. The first sentence of this blog post really stood out to me, “Most people are not aware of the subconscious ways they judge others they encounter.” This seems very much to be a perceiver critique on judgers. Not that it is either right or wrong, both perceivers and judgers have strengths and weaknesses. I only bring it up because what I have found is that what works for perceivers often does not work for judgers and vice-versa. Same goes for other differences in personality traits. I think really at then end of the day people need to know themselves and be aware of what they can and cannot accept. It will be different for everyone. I for one would probably not accept any of the compromises you outline. I have seen what happens when people do and I did not like the results. Once I discussed similar issues to what you bring up here with my priest. I told him where I stood on certain issues concerning what I would and would not accept in terms of a potential wife’s morality and he got really upset with me and told me I should be ready to be single the rest of my life. I thought about it for awhile and I eventually realized that if I do not meet someone who meets certain criteria I would rather be single. So be it. I happen to have a judger personality and that will never change. I know deep in my heart there are things that if I compromise on them it will bother me until the day I die. I have come across people who have made these comprises and even after decades the compromises still bother them. Some hurts never heal. You just have to keep hurting. We Catholics seem to forget that St. Paul pretty clearly recommended being single if possible. There is a reason for this. Now the things that bother me may not bother someone that is a perceiver or may not bother someone who has dominant extroverted feeling but this is not the case for everyone. People with introverted feeling and judging characteristics may have a very hard time living with certain compromises. I do not think it helps to give people a hard time for not making compromises. I think at the end of the day everyone is going to have different things they realistically can and cannot tolerate and we should accept that.
Very interesting article but I have to say I do not agree with all of it.
When it comes to the cathoilic faith and dating within the faith there is no grey area. It is black and white!!
I have been on this sight for quite a while now and speak from personal experience. I try my best to live my faith and follow the commandments.
Now here’s the real issue, I have discussed the faith with others and found that in the end I had to teach them about things that as catholics they should already know. The problem is people do not take responsibility to learn the faith because of the teachings on sexuality, contraception and abortion.We have to come to the realization that the church is failing us in those area’s and people wish to live as they please.
If any of these are an issue in a dating relationship which most of the time they are, then, yes as a moral,faithful catholic I will run.
The majority of Catholic men do not want to hear it. I have left this sight for this very reason.
.I do not feel that I am being judgemental in anyway. Yes, there are kind men out there who are open however they are few and far between.
Men need to come to the realization that any self respecting woman who is serious about her faith will run from a mediocure Catholic because what you are not realizing is that the lukewarm Catholic is looking at us in a lustful way not a loving way and women deserve better!!!
Great topic. We’re all guilty of judging dates and people unfairly. We need to be more of a risk taker and ask God to give eyes to see things His way.
I think this is probably one of the best posts you have written Anthony. It touches on many different aspects of how to find a spouse.
I would like to address a few comments to some of the commenters here.
First to David:
David, I too am a judger but I think Anthony is right here. Judgers can tend to be very rigid thinkers. Often they perceive things as black or white, right or wrong. There are some things in our faith that are wrong: contraception, abortion, sex outside marriage etc. However, judgers tend to be unimaginative and not quick to look for possibilities in a situation or another person. I was determined to marry a Catholic man and I did. Without getting into too much detail, let us just say that his “Catholicism” was a facade. I feel that your priest was telling you to look for possibilities. A woman who say, believes in contraception, has probably NEVER fully understood how her body works or how a natural method of spacing children is possible. So, I challenge you to look deeper into the heart of the women you meet. Try to understand where she is in her faith or even lack of faith, why she came to be there, and what she feels is in the future. How many men and women have converted because of the goodness of their spouse or friend? I personally know three people in my small circle who are Catholics today because of the man or woman they married.
And BTW, I disagree that you as a judger cannot change. Your personality is not something written in stone (there’s that rigid thinking again!). Without going into too much detail my life hasn’t been an easy one. I’ve made a few really big mistakes. I am a quick learner though. I have also grown more kind, more understanding of people’s situations, recognizing that people make mistakes, sometimes BIG mistakes that don’t go away.
Francesca, I agree that there are few men who are solid Catholics. I think part of the dating process is discerning whether or not a young man is open to listening and learning. But you have said that you are not open to another person’s process of growing in faith. Please don’t restrict yourself in this manner. It doesn’t mean that you have to be with someone who is pressuring you sexually. I would say that the first element of a relationship is respect for each other. If he respects you as a woman, he won’t pressure you. Then you can go from there.
If you are living a good, faith-filled Catholic life and you are single your reason for living should not be for yourself but rather bringing others to where you are. To stay cosy and safe in your own world and reject every potential spouse with the belief that you are preserving your own faith by rejecting their shortcomings is self- deluding. This article speaks the truth although for some it may be hard to swallow.
I left a relationship with a man I love very much (we’re both widowed) because there was no hope of marriage due to a situation on his side.
He was born and raised a Catholic but did not accept the Church’s teachings on no sex outside of marriage. I would try to explain over and over the Church’s reasons for this but he just couldn’t see it. I did fall into that lifestyle after I swore not to but the guilt and hypocrisy I felt led me to leave the relationship although he did not want it to end. I accepted him even though he was not practicing his faith.
How many Catholic men would be willing to save sex for marriage? Do you tell someone from the outset that it’s not going to happen? My faith has become number one for me and I realize it will be difficult to find a man willing to wait. Even if you do it doesn’t mean it will be a match in other ways. However, I pray that God will send me the ‘right’ man.
I like Mary Ann’s comment. :)
Janet, I am going to assume that you are an older woman. I think us older women have a real problem with older men. I am not really active on AMS anymore because it has become obvious to me that many older men want two things: young women and sex. They are not interested in developing a relationship with woman their own age. And yes I think you make it abundantly clear that you are interested in developing a friendship and if that works, moving on to a serious relationship. And sooner rather than later – no sex. I think this protects you from being used by the man.
To Patricia: Thank you for your comments. In reference to my age I’m in my late fifties. I’m considering joining one of the over 50 dating websites. At least you know the men on there want to date someone their own age. This time around I’m much stronger and smarter and have learned that most people are just not going to get it.
To Francesca: When my late husband and I married, we were both fallen away Catholics (I had the faith in my heart but wasn’t practicing it). With the grace of God we returned to the Church and over the years we became more and more devoted. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if he’s basically a good, decent guy, there’s a good possibility you can have a positive influence on him. There are no guarantees, but if you have his love, respect and admiration, it could bring on a change of heart and soul.
It didn’t work for me with the man I mentioned in my first comment, but I still pray for him every day. Unfortunately, I didn’t do things God’s way, but I have finally learned that His way is the only way!
Yeah, you don’t have to judge someone or be immature to take note of red flags. We should always be discerning God’s will and we shouldn’t reject people for trivial reasons, but I think that a lot of women get hurt because they are too willing to ignore real problems until they become so emotionally invested in the wrong person that it’s hard for them to move on. It’s not “judgmental” to be prudent.
There are married people who only think about his family and despise the other.
There are married people who think of his family and some in the other, but this is rare.
There are single people very selfish, but beouse who are alone and no one to defend them.
And there are generous singles.
The generosity does not depend on being married or single.
Marriage has nothing to do with generosity.
There’s some good insight here, especially about being willing to engage a non-practicing Catholic in dialogue that might bring them back to the Faith. The author though might want to do a little more research on the Baltimore catechism before claiming that it only educates to a “third grade level” of faith. That would certainly be true if someone were to stop using it after third grade! The series itself though continues up through senior year of high school for those who care to use it in its entirety.
The author might be impressed by paging through Book 3 (written for high school sophomores juniors and seniors), and noticing that, besides advanced doctrinal question-and-answers that delve into theology that is well beyond third (or fourth or sixth or eighth) grade level, there are also “case study” type exercises provided. These are meant to assist almost-adult learners in applying the faith to real life scenarios – such as the one addressed here in this article: what you should you do when someone identifies themselves to you as a non-practicing Catholic.
Common sense of course says you would try to find out why they’re not practicing and as winsomely and persuasively as you can, invite them back. And the catechism’s suggested solutions to various such “case studies” are very much in line with common sense.
Anthony,
Along a different line, what happens when I and the person I’ve been emailing get along fantastically when emailing back and forth, but when we talked on the phone, it just doesn’t seem to click? I want to continue to pursue this person and not give up after one lackluster phone conversation; do you think this is a good option? How can you really know that you just won’t click?