Category Archives: Ask Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m frustrated. I have dated several women now that I really hit it off with and then they end up wanting the upper hand in the relationship. I’m all for making a woman happy, but I don’t like feeling like I’m expected to know my place, if you know what I mean. Is there any hope of meeting a woman who doesn’t feel they have to train me?

First, I want to applaud you for being bold enough to reach out and ask a question like this. There are so many men who feel the way you do, but are either too scared to bring it up or prefer to quietly deal with it and just pull away from the woman. What’s even worse are those who accept that this is the way it should be and allow themselves to be trained.

To the credit of women, they typically don’t know they’re doing this. Many modern women have been raised to be strong and independent. There are many positive and attractive things about a strong and independent woman. Too many men find such a woman intimidating and believe that’s not the kind of woman they want. That’s unfortunate.

The strong, independent woman can take life by storm and be in control of her destiny in many ways. Unfortunately, often they try to control people as well, especially the man in their life. The fight they develop tends to be hard to turn off when it comes to their dating relationships.

But it’s not just this type of woman who has a need for control. Many not-so-strong and not-so-independent types also have the desire to control a man. All men and women have manipulation capabilities. Some people have no idea they are this way. Others are aware of this ability and make a conscious effort to work on it or use it for good (yes, there are many good uses of manipulation).

What we are talking about here is a disturbing amount of women who consciously and strategically talk about “training” a man. It’s a tactic that stems from the assumption that the man will want to do anything for her because of this love for her. She does not realize that she is using the man as an object in order to get what she wants.

That sounds very calculating and cruel. Some women, sad to say, are that calculating. But I believe most don’t realize there is any harm in it. Women light-heartedly talk about training their man, and it’s all kind of tongue in cheek that gets those who hear it to laugh in a way that says “I know exactly what you mean.” But they’re dead serious about it. Again, not because it’s wrong, but because they believe it’s normal.

It’s a very fine line between being encouraging and being controlling. There is a subtly of women to “train” a man to be what she wants him to be. What’s primarily underlying the joke is a woman’s fundamental, and understandable, need to protect herself. Protect herself from what? Well, from being hurt by a man.

What’s implicit in this need to protect herself is that men are likely to hurt a woman; emotionally, psychologically, financially, etc. They want intimacy with a man, but are petrified to get too close and take such a huge risk. Yet, women need men, so what’s a girl to do?

Sadly, one of the first things many women do is compromise their femininity. If she is too dainty, meek, quiet, weak, incapable of taking care of herself, and all the other attributes that are considered (falsely, I might add) traditional regarding the helpless woman who needs a man to take care of her persona, then a man will take advantage of her. She can’t let that happen, so a little alteration of her femininity will go a long way to better defend herself from the beastly men who would seek to dominate her.

With every compromise of femininity, a masculine trait is permitted to surface which actually diminishes her, and compromises her personhood as well as womanhood. She might now be able to stand up to the man-beast, that’s true, but she has put her womanly defenses down, exposing the man to a side of her he is not likely to respond favorably to.

Men typically take the path of least resistance. A man will retreat inside himself rather than fight back. He will adjust to his hostile surroundings rather than be a sitting duck for more punishment if he resists. The truth is, most men really want to make a woman happy. But when they sense they are not making her happy, and that maybe that he’s actually the cause of her unhappiness, he is deflated and pulls back.

The biggest problem with this situation is that neither camp considers this destructive possibility before it’s too late. There are too many other things that could be causing it, and men and women tend to focus on those things. So the root problem tends to pass unnoticed.

The result is many men have been trained to accept that if you cross a woman, you’ll be sorry. Men don’t want to rock the boat. They don’t want their woman upset at them. They want peace, even at all costs.

And women have been conditioned to believe that to love a man, she must show him how she is to be loved, not by being who he is, but by being what she needs him to be.

The problem with this position is that her needs change. Therefore, how he needs to be must change with it. The result is often a confused man who would believes that his love for her is closely tied to how he accepts what she needs him to be and do; that her happiness is closely tied to his ability to follow her lead.

Role reversals are in place. The woman is less feminine, and the man emasculated. He is successfully domesticated, therefore no longer a threat to hurt her. So she thinks.

But in fact, women are hurting themselves, while men are becoming less what she really needs him to be. As she works to avoid the original fear, another hurtful situation arises in it’s place.

Whenever femininity is surrendered, there is a diminishing of the woman and a distortion created to the male/female relationship. Controlling a person is not love.

Perhaps I’m making too much of this. But maybe not. I believe we have a hard time believing such notions as I present here because we get conditioned to see it differently, not as it is. We’re used to it, so it must be natural.

Men don’t need to be “trained” any more than women need to be dominated. They don’t need to be treated like a child. They need to be trusted to be mature and confident in that leadership role and make her feel safe and protected. He needs to be the unique, wonderful person you were attracted to in the first place, and supported in his natural role as a man in the male/female love relationship. As she takes that away from him, she loses respect for him. Quite the paradox.

As women are feminine and men are masculine, love between them can be that of mutual respect, friendship, and devotion that seeks to accept each other for who they are and build up each other in a shared life together. The alternative is distorted and confused persons losing the capability to love and be loved.

I know you feel like women are trying to train you. Perhaps they are. But maybe it’s better if you try to talk to them about it in a respectable way, and with good humor, rather than build defenses and eventually end the relationship. If they are purposely like this, then you’re right to turn and run. But working through it through good communication could result in an incredible find and tremendous mutual love.

Dear Anthony,

The way you speak about marriage, I think I can say I have never see it in anyone’s marriage, least of all my parents. All my family’s marriages were bad, unhappy. So, how can I expect to be happy?  And please do not mention God!

Sadness is the key to being truly happy. I guess you didn’t expect me to say that.  I’m don’t think I would have said that myself until recently. I’m not saying that a good marriage means being unhappy.  On the contrary.  Let me share something with you I recently discovered and that I’m still considering. Maybe it will help you.  (I can’t promise not to mention God, but we’ll see how it goes.)

Sadness is the vehicle to happiness. I learned this recently from my good friend, Dr. Peter Damgaard-Hansen.  We were having cheesecake and coffee at the Cheesecake Factory, talking about what it means to be happy, and why so many singles feel they won’t be happy until they meet someone and get married.

It’s interesting what a little cheesecake will do to a brilliant mind.  Dr. Peter, who is an expert in psychology, said (in his very inviting and charming Denmark accent), “You know, Anthony, the key to truly being happy is being allowed to feel sad.”  We both stopped eating cheesecake and looked at each other.  Then I said, “My gosh, that’s so true!”

We both realized that a profound truth was said, but weren’t sure where to go with it.

As we discussed it, it was clear to me that he was onto something.  Since we were deciding what he was going to talk about on our upcoming cruise this January, I told him that this has to be a part of it.  So I’m not going to try and pretend that I know anything definitive on the subject.  Come on the cruise in January if you want to hear more. ;-)

But here is my early take on this idea that sadness is the key to happiness.  More specifically, being permitted to be sad is the key.  How sad it is when we are not allowed to be sad.  How painful it can be something that comes so naturally to us is considered a negative that must be overcome.

We probably can’t imagine the kind of suppressed pain we harbor from the times we were made to feel guilty because we were upset over something, and someone made us feel that we should not be sad.

I think this is why you tell me not to bring God into this.  You have probably heard things like “God doesn’t want you to be sad,” or “It’s all good and all God so be happy,” or maybe even, “Your sadness is making God sad.”

It’s very easy to say “Don’t worry, be happy,” but it’s not natural.  When we are hurt, we feel sad.  And we need to be allowed that time to cry or get through the sadness.  A person who allows you to do that is a person who makes you happy.  We don’t exactly realize this, I don’t think, but if you think about it, it’s true.

A woman who is upset and sad just wants her boy to hug her, hold her, and let her get it out, without trying to fix it.  A man who is upset and sad just wants his girl to allow him to process it without being told to “be a man” or trumping his need with her own need, forcing him to be “on” when he needs a bit of time to be “off.”

The unhappy marriages in your family are likely relationships infected with lack of support, when two people don’t go through sad moments together, but rather go through it alone, without letting it out.  Unexpressed sadness creates unhappiness. It might be said that marital love is the bonding that happens through experiencing sorrows that bring you closer in solidarity, and create deep happiness.  Perhaps the enemy of marital love is happiness on-demand, where sadness is seen as a setback rather than a vehicle to happiness.

When unhappiness sets in, and there is no comfort or trust in the spouse to support you in all your emotions, then you have all kinds of problems.

There is a song by Meatloaf where he sings: “Will you love me forever…will you make me happy for the rest of my life?”.  This is the expectation in modern dating, and it’s nothing short of delusional and out of proportion.

“Will you allow me to be sad when I just need to be sad or cry?”  If you can do this for the person you love, you are a vehicle to helping them be happy.  In turn, you are happy.

The lesson is this:  A happy person is one who is allowed to be sad. The person you love allows you the room and time to let you get through your sadness.  We don’t have to get the person we love to feel happy and cheerful again in order to get them back to themselves.  In their times of sadness, they are very much themselves.

Allow the people you love to be openly sad.  Their sadness and tears in front of you is a great trust.  Give them their time and foster happiness.  Give them your permission to be sad, and be there with them, without judgment.  Be comfortable with sadness.

It does seem impossible to be happy (truly happy) unless we have someone we love to get through our sad moments with.  God knows something about sadness that is key to happiness.

Christ was sad.  He sighed and He wept.  He wept over Jerusalem, He wept at the death of His good friend, Lazarus before raising him from the dead.  He was in agony in the garden.  St. Thomas More wrote extensively about this which you can read in the book, The Sadness of Christ.

Christ is always someone we can be sad in front of.  And He is always the source of happiness that is experienced as we are in communion with Him, particularly together through sharing His sorrowful passion.  We should take comfort in that and be imitators of Christ when someone we love needs to be sad.

Home is the place where we feel safe, where we can shut out the world, enjoy the people we love and who love us, be accepted for who we are, and always go if something is wrong.

Home is the place where we grow into person we are called to be. Those whose home do not offer them these things will have all kinds of personal problems that disrupt their ability to develop.

Because it is a fundamental reality in every person to desire God, Who created us for Himself, and to be with Him, all pursuits of a home in this life are connected to the natural desire to seek God and can never be completely satisfied until we are in our eternal home in heaven with God.

We all want to be loved, which is to meet God in others. To be loved is to experience the Heart of Christ. All people deserve that home, that Heart, no matter what they have done.

The first call of the Christian is to love, to live that Heart of Christ, to be merciful. “What would Jesus do?” is sadly not a question we Christians are too anxious to seriously ask.

When it comes to dating and marital love, this is even more of a concern.

When you are falling in love, you are developing a dependency on the other for your happiness. It’s natural. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when they fail you. The law of love demands there be forgiveness if there is a sincere desire to be forgiven and of never doing something like that again.

If Jesus were sitting next to you, you would have no trouble disclosing every detail about what you did, and your regrets. Jesus, in all His mercy, would say something like, “It’s not beyond any human being to do such things” with the kindest voice, and in such a welcoming way. You would share what you did and ask forgiveness solely because you feel completely safe with him. The environment that Jesus provides is a safe, homey one. There is nothing that can happen that is unforgivable. His mercy endures forever.

We are also to provide such Jesus environments for others. Most especially it must be there for those we love. As you develop a relationship, and love grows strong and marriage becomes desired, that safe and homey environment should be present, cultivated, and well established. The more it is established, the safer the other feels about being themselves, sharing themselves, and even sharing their faults, weaknesses and sins. As they fall, they recover quickly because the mercy of the other is always there.

Now some cynical people might say this is a recipe for disaster because the other person will take advantage, knowing that mercy is waiting for them no matter what. This discounts the notion that justice for actions that must be tended to within any relationship, not too mention the emotional pain that needs healing. Though one might be merciful, they also can be hurt and must heal.

Starting with mercy is best because it says that no matter what has happened, we love each other and we are safe. We can get through anything. If the one who hurts you does not have a sense of that Jesus environment of mercy, they will have fear about what has happened. This fear can keep the person from doing what is necessary to remedy the problem, which can hurt the relationship.

How many of us have been in relationships where we felt we could not confess something we did, or fear disclosing parts or all of what happened? This is not normal in a healthy relationship. The Jesus environment is one of true friendship. True friends love each other regardless of what they do. When a true friend is wronged by us, their mercy is waiting. It might take time to re-establish the level of friendship and trust again, but they do not abandon you, physically or emotionally.

Being merciful is also incredibly attractive. It’s very hard to find people who will see you as Jesus sees you. People tend to first react with anger or some other negative reaction, instead of with mercy. This is very unattractive. When we do something wrong and that we regret, it is hard enough to face that within ourselves. When we have to face the one we love whom we have hurt, it is that much more terrifying. How incredible it is to have the first hurtful experience with the one you love be a merciful experience. They don’t react negatively. They don’t scream or cry or throw a fit. They don’t storm out.

Instead, they calmly look upon you as you share what you have done. Perhaps they first take your hand, or hug you, or softly speak. They first remind you that you are safe and home. They help you realize that nothing you have done is something they couldn’t have done as well, that you are not unforgivable, irredeemable, or unloved.

People do a lot of stupid things on dates. Most of it is out of bad habits they have developed. All of it is out weak human nature. It’s way too easy to pass judgment on others as you are dating, and way too convenient to say that this is not “the one.” And for many, it is entirely too difficult to trust those they date enough to cut them slack, give them a pass, be merciful. The risk of them taking advantage of you is too great.

Merciful we must be. We must cut them slack. We must give them a pass. We must make them feel safe and home so they can be themselves. We must work at friendship; true friendship. Love is kind and merciful. If you want love in your life, it must start with you.

When a person hurts you, consider what Jesus would do. And consider first that the only way for there to be real progress with the problem is if the person first feels safe enough with you to fail.

I can’t stress this enough. There are so many relationships where one or both live in fear of how the other will react if they screw up. What this means is there are way too many people seeking love who are not encountering the mercy of Jesus Christ in the person they are trying to get to know and grow in love with. Instead, their relationship is tainted by fears of what the other might do or say because of their shortcoming. What kind of relationship is that? Is that the kind of relationship we have with Jesus?

Our Lord told us that love casts out all fears. We are never afraid with Jesus because he is home; we feel safe with Him; we can tell Him anything and know that He will forgive us and share with us grace that helps us be better.

You most certainly are forgivable and redeemable. You are NOT your wrong doing and sins. You are a person. You have a right to feel safe enough to hurt the one you love, trusting in their mercy first, and prepared to fulfill justice in the situation second. You aren’t a terrible person because you feel too afraid to talk to the person you are in love with. A true friendship will naturally drawn out the desire to share everything as you feel safe and comfortable in that person’s love.

This is the essence of marital love. All single people need to practice providing the Jesus environment of mercy for those they date. It is the first priority for both of you, since married life is primarily about hurting each other and needing a safe, homey environment where forgiveness can be asked for and applied. If you fear talking to the person you are dating, or have experienced negative reactions as a result of trying to talk to them, and you don’t feel comfortable sharing your faults or wrong doings with that person, then there is a serious problem that must be remedied.

There are always going to be problems. Loved ones are going to fail you. Your first call in all situations is to be merciful, and to maintain a strong sense of the reality that only God can never let us down. In fact, expect failure in others and you will live more peacefully.

Marriage is a practical sacrament and institution. It requires two people who not only “want” to be married, but are capable of living out marriage. Too often, people go into marriage full of love and good intention, but no personal skills to fulfill their role.

I continue to observe more and more how the capability aspect of getting married is not typically considered and is disconnected from the aspect of desire for marriage by two people. This disconnection explains why so many people, particularly Catholics, over-generalize and over-simply divorce as being evil and wrong, and believe everyone who takes marriage vows must never end that marriage.

The capacity for marriage must be taken into account, however, when it comes to any marriage. It is a fact that there are people who desire marriage that just should not get married, whether for temporary or permanent reasons of incapability.

The reality is marriages are ending in divorce in great numbers often because the persons who entered into them should not have ventured into marriage to begin with. And often times, one or both were actually unfit for marriage, thus incapable of living out that which they vowed.

We must never use this assumption as excuse not to continue trying, or to end the marriage. The sad truth is that someone’s incapacity for marriage is not easily recognizable before a marriage takes place. It is discovered after the fact.

I am pro-sacramental marriage and agree with the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage and divorce. I have studied the subject extensively. There definitely are many marriages that end in divorce that shouldn’t, due to selfishness, lack of forgiveness, and a lack of endurance through difficult times which could be resolved through time, effort, and God’s assistance. To leave your spouse, for example, simply because you want somebody else, don’t feel love anymore, or because things aren’t as you expected, is inexcusable.

However, there are definitely divorces that happen that make perfect sense after careful examination due to one or both being incapable of making the commitment at that time the marriage took place, and perhaps having a permanent inability to live out marriage. Let’s look more closely at this.

First, it is worth pointing out that civil divorce today is not the same concept of divorce at the time of Jesus. Our divorce has to do with the civil agreement and civil law. In Jesus’ time, a divorce was related to the religious custom. Therefore, we cannot just dismiss modern divorce because Jesus was against divorce. That difference is for another discussion.

We must not get too caught up in a black and white notion of modern divorce in association with Biblical divorce. The Catholic Church does not recognize civil divorce. But it does acknowledge that it is possible that a sacramental marriage did not actually take place, thus issuing a decree of nullity regardless of the civil union. The Church will not even begin the annulment process unless there is a civil divorce, not because She wants to see a divorce, but because the civil divorce is the two individuals action of final effort to make it work.

What makes the sacramental marriage take place has EVERYTHING to do with both individuals not only exchanging free will consent, but being capable of giving their consent.

I read an article this week that quoted something I find disturbing. The person said that marriage is sometimes “analogous to an imprisonment” and those who suffer greatly in a marriage are meant to suffer as Christ suffered. Though marriage does often end up having levels of suffering that must be endured, a living condition of abuse or violence, for example, should not considered a noble Christ-like suffering to endure. It’s also not the most inspiring way to encourage young people to pursue marriage if they are sold on it as being an “imprisonment.”

People who are imprisoned want freedom. People on the outside don’t want to go to prison. So if there is any chance that imprisonment might accompany marriage, you can be sure people will stay clear of marriage all together.

The better approach is to see marriage as it is; namely, a vocation for two people fit to understand and execute the practical demands of a lifetime together creating a family that serves each other, enhances society, and glorifies God.

Too many have pursued marriage selfishly, brought children into the world irresponsibly, and have neglected their children by their disastrous parenting (or lack thereof). Children have a right to a mother and a father who raise them well and form them into quality people. The children will respond to and be formed by whatever the parents present.

Finally, too many terrible spouses have fashioned for the person they married an imprisonment they did not deserve nor should have ever been expected to endure. It is often the case that the spouse has no idea what they did wrong, nor have the ability to realize how harmful they are. This is very tragic, but it happens. And it happens because they are incapable of fulfilling what they entered into.

For many who are unfit, there is hope. With good help, effort, commitment to change, and God’s grace, they can turn things around for themselves and become equipped with the tools necessary to be a good spouse. They were capable of marital love but it was unrealized. Or perhaps they were young and foolish, and made an unwise decision to marry someone they were unevenly yoked with; who was not a suitable partner.

Sadly for some, they are deeply invested in the way they are and will never be able to be properly equipped or necessarily changed. They are incapable of marital love. They can live a very productive, fulfilling life in their work and among loved ones.

How to avoid marrying someone unfit? This is not easy, and sometimes cannot be known until after you get married and start living with that person. That is why it is very important to use your time well during the dating process and engagement period.

Learn about their background and upbringing, observe their relationships with their family members and friends (especially the relationship to their parents), ask lots of questions that pertain to the past and future, share and learn each other’s dreams, goals and interests. If there is anything that seems like a red flag, bring it up and see if you can get a satisfactory resolution. Don’t allow feelings of love to distract or blind you from what is important. Pray together and make sure you know that Jesus Christ is the most important person in each other’s lives.

Learn what is expected in marriage as husband and wife, as mother and father, and Christian persons living family life. Make sure you can observe the qualities, character, and actions in the other that prove the capability of living out marriage.

But don’t make this an interrogation nor be confrontational. You are trying to grow in love and depth with each other, not impose and insist. Allow the relationship to be natural while you both stay practical about the ability of your relationship to being lived out in marriage.

For those capable of a sacramental marriage, making the lifelong commitment in marriage is liberty and freedom at its best. Love is exchanged and lived out, even through all difficult times. It is not an imprisonment, which is forced upon you. It is more like Christ’s sacrifice of love, voluntarily laying down your life for the other.

Remember, you are dating and marrying a sinner. Everyone fails. How we respond to our failures and grow from them is what matters, especially when it comes to forgiveness. Those who are fit for marriage are truth seekers and acknowledge an authority outside of themselves.

We’re like children, we’re not men! Classic line of a favorite Seinfeld episode I got to watch again the other day called “The Engagement.” I can’t help smiling even as I recall it to write this article.

Jerry and George are in the diner (as usual) whining to each other about their love life. George ended a relationship because the girl liked to say “Happy, Pappy?” to him. Jerry just broke up with someone because she shushed him. “I’ve got a real thing about shushing”, he tells George.

Then there is a “eureka” moment of disgust.

“What is this? What are we doing? What in God’s name are we doing?”
- “What?”
“Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We’re like children, we’re not men!”
-“No, we’re not. We’re not men.”
“Are we gonna be sitting here when we’re 60 like two idiots?”
- “We should be having dinner with our sons when we’re 60.”
“We’re pathetic, you know that?“ – “Yeah, like I don’t know that I’m pathetic!”
“Why can’t I be normal?”
- “Yes! Me too! I wanna be normal!”
“It would be nice to care about someone.”
- “Yes! Yes! Care!”

George then talks of remembering Susan, the serious girlfriend who worked at NBC, and how he liked her. He says “You thought she was good looking, right?”, to which Jerry asks why he should care what he thinks.

Then the really hilarious scene takes place between Jerry and Kramer. You have to watch this for yourself to appreciate it and get the full affect. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
- “Absolutely not! What are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? ”
“Well…..”
- ”They’re prisons!!! Man-made prisons! You’re doin’ time!! You get up in the morning? She’s there! You go to sleep at night? She’s there! It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. “Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?” 

What happens next is George shows up at Susan’s door and asks her to marry him, while Jerry breaks up with the latest woman he is seeing because she eats peas one at a time. George feels betrayed. He assumed Jerry was going to go right out and get married, too.

To wrap up, the rest of this episode shows George restrained from doing what he wants to do with Jerry because he is “stuck” with Susan or needing her permission. He is depressing himself because she wants to see a chick flick instead of the action movie with Jerry, because she asks if he is going to wear the shirt he is wearing out to the movies, and because he can’t watch the Yankee game Jerry called him all excited about because Susan wants to watch something else.

It is one of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld because it makes me laugh out loud every time, it’s brilliantly and insightfully written, and the delivery of the actors is remarkable. So what is my point in taking so much time to recall this episode? Hmm, I forgot. Oh, yes….the point Jerry makes that he and George are children, not men.

I believe the writers of this episode have it correct; that the love life of many singles is childish. There is often a grossly immature and unrealistic approach to the people we date, rather than a firmly grounded, mature one. That there is too much concern with the “now” rather than the future; with selfish preferences rather than an unselfish acceptance of another human being; with a need to find someone who will pleasure us at all times, rather than a desire to serve.

It is very much the occupation of a child to behave in the “now” with only a concern for the “now” and with only a desire to get what they want, when they want it. There is no concern for what anyone else might think or feel or want.

Taking a childish approach to your love life only leads to the same fate that any child experiences; namely, dissatisfaction and harm. If a child gets their way, they become a spoiled brat who must always have their way. Subsequently, they become adults of very little use to others, let alone to love and marriage.

As funny as this episode is, all of us know (sad to say) that there are people who actually DO break up with someone because of an expression that person has that bugs them, because they eat peas one at a time, or because they were shushed.

More to the point, we know that break ups happen because there is an unwillingness to accept the other person’s ways, quirks, etc, because finding someone who never annoys you and who is always pleasing to you is of such high priority, there isn’t a person alive who can ever get past the hyper-sensitive filter you have created.

Thus, the childish dater (one who is steeped in immaturity) refuses to recognize how difficult they, themselves, are to be around and live with, and how blessed they should feel that someone wants them despite their setbacks and issues. Like a child, they can only act on the impulses of self-pleasure and gratification, crippling them from ever having a healthy, mature, adult relationship with someone of the opposite sex that leads to authentic mutual love and respect, and marriage that desires to serve.

Kramer convinces Jerry that marriage is a prison, where you lose your freedom, your mobility, your autonomy, your very self. He hardly desires to serve, nor to have a relationship built on mutual respect and compromise. He does not see any joy in sharing a life with someone. It’s true that marriage requires this compromise, but when you are in love, it is not only a joy, it is personally fulfilling to share such a life.

Poor Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine, as well as anyone else in real life who are like these characters at any level. I guess we know why these people are not married.

Jerry was right. “We’re like children, we’re not men.” He should have changed once and for all. Don’t make his mistake and remain childish. The love you seek demands you shed your immaturity.

Dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls. So what do smart girls get? A cat!

That’s a little joke I have come across that’s pretty funny. Like all jokes, there’s an element of truth to it.

The first truth is that many smart guys do go for dumb girls. Whether they marry dumb girls or not is another question. But I have heard many women distressed about why these intelligent, devoutly religious men are attracted to what they call “air heads”. Well, needless to say, there is probably an objectively gorgeous woman carrying that air head.

But in fairness to smart men, there are plenty who do want a smart girl, and are actively seeking them. And they don’t choose the great looks over the quality brain (though undoubtedly they would like both).

Perhaps it would be better to identify this issue another way. I have heard the women express, “What are we supposed to do while we are waiting for men to figure out what they want?” Women feel like life could pass them by waiting for a man. They have a legitimate fear that if they configure their life in such a way, it will backfire on them.

Unfortunately, the person women become while they’re single and pursue a career can be unattractive to certain men. By certain, I am thinking about Catholic men who want a traditional role of provider, and hope to have a stay-at-home mother for their children.

Does that sound too old-fashioned and stereotypical? Maybe even shallow? Regardless, a serious Catholic man will not mind a smart woman, as long as she is smart enough to want to give up her career once children come along and stay home to raise them. That’s what they are thinking.

And this is where a HUGE misunderstanding occurs, and both men and women can mess things up. The fact is, smart, educated, intelligent, practicing Catholic women who are successful career women do want to give up their careers to stay home with their children and be homemakers!

But there is a catch, and a smart man would do well to display his intelligence by heeding this catch. Smart girls need proof that they are not being stupid to give up their careers. In other words, they are not going to just give up their life and their work for anyone who comes along with their charming smile, good looks, and empty promises.

A smart man should want a smart girl, and he should be smart enough to make every effort to provide her the enthusiasm, trust and security she needs in order to make such a drastic change in her life.

Many smart men are sadly too dumb to realize that these Catholic career women will happily give up their career to have a family. In fact, many of them are dying to do it. While they wait for a good man who will not be intimidated by her intelligence, level of education, and perhaps even that she makes more money than him, they become career single women with no incentive to be otherwise.

So they wait and they wait.

What are the advantages to having a smart woman as a wife? A smart woman can manage a home. She has been out in the world, paying rent or a mortgage, paying bills, budgeting, etc. She knows how to organize and be efficient with her time. Yes, perhaps she is a little obsessive, or penny pinching, or particular, but that’s all part of her charm. (But girls, it’s not good to overdue it in these management qualities, especially if you try to do so with the person of your man).

A woman who has experienced life before marriage is an interesting woman. Do not underestimate the importance of being with a woman who is interesting. Men who just want a woman who is uneducated, uninteresting, and simply capable of bearing him children and being at his beck and call is likely not going to respect that woman nor treat her well. Slaves don’t make for good companions.

So what are men really afraid of when it comes to smart girls? Well, they are intimidated by a woman who can hold their own. She causes him to face his own inadequacies. Just who she is convicts him of his lack of courage to be with a woman who is capable of being his equal, and who can challenge him to be the best man he is called to be.

The very things that intimidate them are the things men need. Marriage should be the love between a man and a woman who are good friends, who respect each other immensely, and who bring out the best in each other. Education and life experiences help develop a person into a balanced and interesting person. Men should not be afraid to make a woman like this his wife.

I believe men are concerned that smart women become too hard, too harsh, too unfeminine, too worldly. Well, perhaps some of them have and should work to reclaim her “feminity.” But there are many great Catholic women out there who are intelligent, educated, successful, and are still very feminine.

A woman will give the world to a man she knows loves her, respects her, and accepts her for who she is. When she sees a future with such a man, he will experience love like he could never imagine.

Smart girls, stay smart. Men who afraid to pursue you are not ready to receive what you have to give. They want the wrong things from you. Don’t give it to them, especially in the area of sexuality. But be careful not to assume the role of the male in relationships. A smart girl knows the man must be the man, and a woman must remain the woman.

Smart men, don’t be afraid or intimidated. Pursue a smart Catholic girl. Be confident that you are smart enough for her and capable of loving her as she needs. Don’t assume. She may be nothing like the stereotype. Make her feel comfortable about being an intelligent woman around you. Then enjoy the dynamic, exciting, and beautiful relationship that can develop with a smart girl.

Oh, and if she does have a cat, give it a pass and let her keep it.

In the Sunday reading of St. Paul this week, we heard how the proof of love is that we love our neighbor as ourselves.

Many people might be prone to use this passage in justifying their “I am who I am” approach to themselves. This is me! Take me for who I am! The ultimate love of self, therefore, is that we permit ourselves to be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. After all, that’s “who I am.”

With this approach, the concept of love your neighbor as yourself becomes one of minding your own business. To love my neighbor would be to leave him be, because we would not want any neighbor attempting to question anything about us.

Sadly, many people actually dislike or hate themselves. They do not have a healthy sense of who they really are, their dignity, their self-worth, and their purpose. As a result, they are not able to take responsibility for themselves and their neighbor. They do not like themselves, which makes it impossible to truly love their neighbor.

This, of course, affects those who are dating in hopes of finding love, marriage and happiness. Instead of an ability to connect with someone who can be your equal, your close friend, your partner, there is more of an inclination to seek someone who will accept everything about you without question. Someone who can fill voids in a fragmented and distorted self that should be whole.

Every one of us are broken in some way, and sin daily. That comes with the territory of the human experience. But our fundamental dignity should compel us to desire to become a better person. We fall, but we get up and we ask forgiveness when necessary. We are weak, but God’s grace provides the strength to become who we are called to be.

That call is to be Christ. Baptism has configured us to Christ. We have a divine nature because of our Baptism. And that, fundamentally and truly, is who we are. We are Christ’s. We cannot say “I am who I am.” We must say “I am Christ’s.” That is our dignity. That is who we strive to be. Our unique personhood configured to the Person of Christ.

With this kind of love of self, we can love our neighbor as ourselves as we are called to. We are also able to offer anyone we date, and ultimately the one person we marry, a whole person who knows who they are, why they are here, where they are going, and what they are to do.

God willing, you find someone who also understands their dignity and loves themselves. Then, a couple is able to love each other without losing themselves, but with an openness to share in the person of the other.

When two become one flesh in marriage, it is a union of persons into one person, one life, one purpose; all without losing the individual self. Preserving your individual self is to preserve the person of Christ who is our identity, thus keeping us capable of the impossible; namely, the love of another person in the sacrament of matrimony.

I’m sure many of can look back on dating experiences and recall plenty of examples of people who didn’t love themselves enough to take care of themselves or be open to any changes that would better themselves and their ability to find a suitable partner in marriage. Hopefully, we can also recall times when we, ourselves, betrayed our own dignity by acting in ways that was a real turn off to those we dated.

The betrayal of our dignity, at whatever level and in whatever form it takes, diminishes our outward appeal and our inward life of grace. Thus we become uglier. Our life is a lie, of sorts, and we spend the days trying to fool others into believing we are something we are not.

How can we love our neighbor (or a spouse in marriage) if we cannot love ourselves enough to face Jesus Christ? He is who we are. If we are not Him, then who are we? We could be anything. Any pursuit of being ourselves on our own terms is to be nothing concrete and substantial and meaningful at all. That actually makes us dangerous.

Marriage is about becoming a help mate to another. It requires self-donation to the point of pursuing the other’s good before your own. The love of self is a love of Christ, who lives in us and through us. And His love life is service.

To love yourself is to serve to others. You give yourself away, and as a result, you become yourself. Love serves. Love of neighbor is service to them, not a demand that they accept you for who you are.

During the dating process, you need to see proof that the other loves themselves so much that they desire to give themselves away to you. And they must see the same from you.

If you harbor any dislike or hatred of yourself in any way, you have to seek help from someone who is capable of helping you discover these negatives and work on them. You must discover your self-worth in the light of the person of Jesus Christ. Live His life, a life of service, and by God’s grace you can overcome all problems with self-hatred. Above all, visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament often and talk about this. Ask Him to form you into the whole person He wants you to be. Ask Him to teach you how to love yourself and your neighbor, following His example.

Bring your best self to everyone you date. Your best self will be attentive to the other, while sharing all your faults as well as wonderful qualities, with the issues of your past as well as your efforts for the future. Being your true self that radiates Christ alive in you will be very attractive.

Should you observe a dislike of self in someone you are dating, including any ways they are abusive or harmful to themselves, encourage them that they have a dignity that makes them better than that, and that you would like to see it and share in it. Love them with enough kindness and patience that they trust you with their setbacks. Sometimes, a quality person who hates themself has never encountered an empathetic person. Regardless of whether dating the person leads to marital love, you will have at least helped this person to take a positive step toward self-worth.

Give yourself away in the name of Christ, who IS love, and you will become a vehicle of love to others.

Dear Anthony,

My boyfriend and I have been good friends for the past 5 years and we just began dating a little over 8 months ago. We have a lot of deep conversations and we both feel that God is calling us to marriage. Do you have any specific questions or topics that we need to talk about before we take the next serious step and get engaged?

Assuming you are both practicing Catholics who adhere to all the Church teaches, your deep friendship grounded in your shared strong faith is going to get you through life together, regardless of any unrest. Here are some things I would suggest you consider that I believe are the only would be helpful as you move forward to the next big step:

1) Do you both understand the commitment to marriage being permanent, requiring fidelity to each other, and being open to children from the moment you marry? Are you practicing Catholics who live a sacramental life? Do you rely on God’s grace and know to call on the grace of the sacrament of marriage once entered into? Are you ready to give yourselves to each other with a full consent of the will and based on first understanding what is expected in marriage according to the Church?

2) Are you both committed to being chaste through your engagement (not giving in to pre-marital sex, which can only harm your relationship and take away from both of you the gift of your bodies which the Sacrament prompts)?

3) Are you firm about never using artificial contraception within your marriage, nor using NFP as a form of contraception? Being open to life is critical. Spacing children is permitted if there is grave reason to do so, and NFP can help with that, but using NFP for a reason like wanting time to get to know each other or you just don’t want any more children when there is no grave reason not to be open to it would be an abuse of the NFP opportunity.

4) Have you talked about raising the children? How you will discipline, educate, and guide them? It is important to be on the same page about these things, but also flexible if life should deal you a hand you did not expect.

5) Do you both know how to forgive and ask forgiveness? You will spend a lot of time unwillingly hurting each other during marriage. It helps to marry someone who knows how to ask forgiveness as well as forgive. Too many marriages are laced with prideful people who don’t ever want to be wrong and must blame the other for everything.

6) Do both display proof that your love is grounded in service of the other? Do you tend to each other’s weaknesses and needs and see each other’s happiness over your own? Mutual love through service can get you through any trials, as well as help your love grow stronger. You are going to have your moments of weakness and need, and it is up to the other to be strong for the other’s sake at those times. Also, both of you are inclined to selfishness by fallen human nature, so love for each other and the children that come in marriage is the path to sanctity that is a selfless life. You will both inevitably have selfish moments that threaten the peace, so it is up to the other to bear those moments well, and help the other come out of that selfish moment through gentleness and kindness, as well as firm requests for the higher good. Dating and engagement should be a time of seeing these qualities in action. However you are together now will be carried over into the marriage. So make sure you have plenty of opportunities to be challenged to love each other in selfless service.

7) Do you both have God and His Church as your point of reference for what you believe and how you live your life? This is tremendously important when it comes to resolving problems. Having God and the Church as the authority allows both partners to help identify what is right and wrong about the situation and in the actions of each, and help to know who should be sorry for what. But keep in mind that it is always a call to heroic virtue in marriage to admit you are wrong when you are not, for the sake of the other who might be too crippled in the moment to admit they are wrong. That is an act of charity on your part, and charity is always the highest form of living true love for another. Resolve the situation later, make the peace now. But do resolve it. You are not a doormat for the other to take advantage of because you are so generous and kind and charitable. Marriages requires both to be working on themselves in order for it to be a success. One doing all the work is just a bad marriage that is being endured, specifically by the one must do what they have to do.

8) Are you both on the same page about finances and your standard of living? Many go through financial crisis during marriage and it ends in divorce, not because being in financial crisis is so bad for marriage but because one or both do not cling to each other through the difficulties, nor trust in God to provide. Living a spirit of poverty even if you are affluent is important for both of you as well. Do either of you show signs of greed or desire for money or material things? It is fine to pursue material things in perspective, but not as a priority of life. Nothing should come between you, especially money. So right now, whatever your individual income, careers, debt, school loans, spending habits, etc., you both have to come to terms with these things together and consider the future scenarios. You don’t want any surprises about how either of you factor in finances, if you can help it. Getting through the ups and downs of your way of life and financial situation together, without undo pressure on each other, is important. Helping the other in moments of weakness when they worry about money or job situation, etc., rather than making things worse by blaming or worrying, is also important.

9) Have you talked about your roles in marriage as a man and a woman, as a husband and a wife, as a father and a mother? There are definitely roles and duties in marriage that love demands we fulfill. To not be aware of them or define them together would be a big risk as you get married and just hope all will fall into place. Do not assume. Make sure you are both comfortable with each other’s understanding of what you should both be doing or be willing to do, or not do for that matter. Problems with assuming the other has been a great cause of marital unrest and discord. Don’t let your wonderful feelings of love keep you from talking about what your roles and duties will be.

These are wonderful things to have in place. But ultimately, it is the acknowledgement of God as your authority and relying on His grace that will get through, even when there are things not quite in place or still seem uncertain.

Two people who love each other with a mutual respect and a deep friendship are difficult to discourage from moving to the next step. These things are important things to talk about and work on. If you are both willing to seek truth and work on faults and accept each other, you have so much in place that make you ready for the next step.

Dear Anthony,

There are three women I have developed an interest in on AMS. I know I should form friendships first, but I’m starting to feel guilty about communicating with multiple people. How can I sensitively slow down communication with two of them while I am concentrating on the one I have the most in common with?

You are bringing up two specific issues. First, there is the issue of whether or not it is okay to communicate online with three people. Second, there is the question of how to tell two of them you want to concentrate on someone else.

Taking the first, there certainly is nothing wrong with being in communication with three people at the same time. Dialogue with several people does help to determine who you would like to pursue.

The things to consider are what you are saying. Hopefully, you are not telling each of these women that they are the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. That would be an inappropriate way to dialogue with several people. Friendly exchanges that seek to share some general things and get to learn more about the other is more productive. That way no one can claim that you were leading them on. (Of course, some people see things as they want to see them, and might mistake any message at all as an indication that you want to seriously date that person. No much you can do about that.)

An online dating site like AMS can have the assumption associated that everyone on the site is looking for love and marriage. That might be true, but it is a distorted view of online dating to write only to those you want a serious relationship with. Therefore, no one should assume an initial contact, or subsequent dialogue means there is something serious developing. I don’t think anyone should feel guilty about having friendly exchanges with several people. If you have the time to keep up, and the courtesy to respond, then it is a very productive way to use online dating to determine if there is anyone you are serious about pursuing.

It sounds like you have gotten to that point of determining of person you wish to exclusively put your time into getting to know more. Hopefully, you will be talking to her about meeting in person and not just continuing electronic communication exchange. And now that this is the one person you wish to focus on, you are not sure how to tell the other two.

You mentioned you want to “slow down” communication. Does that mean you still want to be interacting with these two ladies while you pursue the third just in case it might not work out with the third one you are more interested in? If so, that’s a tough one. Obviously, it makes some sort of sense to not want to burn any bridges so you can be open to one of the other two in case gal #3 hits a dead end. But is this the right thing to do? It sounds like leading on to me. That’s probably where your guilty feeling is coming from.

Your best approach would be to be honest with the other two. Tell them you have enjoyed getting to know them but want them to know you are spending more time talking to one certain person and don’t feel comfortable continuing the dialogue with them unless they are okay with it. You could even ask their permission to continue writing just to keep in touch and respect whatever decision they make about that. But definitely contact either one of them again if it does not work out with the women you chose to focus on.

Dating sites tend to give you a lot of information about a person. You might feel like you “know” more about them than you would if you met in person somewhere. But the fact is you don’t really “know” them yet at all. You have information only. So it is best that we treat contacting members online as a networking effort, rather than some form of dating.

Since online dating sites are actually networking environments, everyone is entertaining multiple contacts. So there is no reason to feel guilty. Writing a careful and considerate initial message based off of what you read on their profile is a normal networking exercise. Only writing to as many as you can keep up with is prudent.

Again, honesty is best. In your case of writing to three women at the same time, it would have been a good idea to let them know that you are writing to more than one member currently. Also let them know that you will not be seeking any further contacts, nor accepting further contacts, as you discern these current possibilities. Probably their reactions to this fact will help them (and you) determine if this is a relationship that is going to progress further.

It’s helpful to think of dating online on the same lines as dating offline. If you’d taken a girl out for coffee, enjoyed it, and then met another girl out at a picnic, would you feel guilty about striking up a conversation? Probably not. It’s only conversation. And let’s face it, you are not engaged to someone you took on a date for coffee. So it is with communication online. It’s just conversation. But I will reiterate that we have to be careful what we say, because it is NOT “just” conversation if you are saying things to more than one woman that elude to strong interest or intentions.

It might seem like I have gotten off topic, but cutting off people you dialogue with in order to focus on one person has everything to do with an attempt to get serious. And it is very important that meeting in person not get prolonged too much.

If you follow my blog then you know that I believe there shouldn’t be too much time between speaking on the phone and meeting in person. So you should focus on the woman you’ve spoken with for a little while, and see if there is interest on both your parts in meeting. If not, that’s a sign that you are not in the right place. If so, you will probably be able to determine rather quickly if this relationship is going to continue to grow. If you have any hope at all of being able to communicate again with one of the two you let go of in order to pursue the third gal you determined is not for you, you will need it to be sooner rather than later.

I think you have everything in order in your situation. It’s great that you have a healthy guilt about talking to more than one woman. But I hope you realize now that you are not dating three women in this circumstance, just networking and being friendly. And I think your desire to slow things down or cut it off with the other two is admirable. I’m sure you will find the right words for the two women you want to slow things down with.

Dear Anthony,

I just got engaged and recently I’m thinking I need to take a break from our relationship because I am struggling with him and need to determine God’s will. I really want to make sure I am doing what God wants of me.

I assume your struggle is whether or not to proceed with the marriage? Taking a break is for those who are dating, not engaged. Engagement is a different story. The concept of taking a break cannot be considered a normal thing during an engagement period.

While dating someone, it can happen that you have developed a strong friendship and you like each other, and can see love is developing, but you feel unsure if this relationship should progress to a more exclusive stage. Taking a break from dating can be an effective way to decide.

The result most desire from the take-a-break concept is that the one who needed the break realizes that they miss the other and finds that life is not the same without the other in their life. That naturally causes certitude of the heart and a peace about getting back together and getting more serious.

Love between a man and woman should produce great clarity about the direction of their relationship and their lives. Just because we have fears doesn’t mean there is not love. Too often great relationships are wounded or broken due to the inability of one or both to get past their own self-imposed issues.

What really happens is they are afraid of love. Love demands and requires everything. Giving up anything, for some people, is too unreasonable or difficult. Thus, the relationship stagnates because one or both cannot keep letting go of selfishness.

I’m concerned that you mentioned the need to discern God’s will in this. I am all for God’s will, but too often I hear single people use God as an excuse for what is the real reason for their situation; namely, their own fears or indecision. God loves decision-makers, and He is always waiting to bless couples as they make commitment moves in their relationships.

At each stage of a relationship, it is the two individuals making decision. God is there to bless them and provide graces to strengthen the path. To stop the process and say “I have to discern” can too often be an easy cop out for our own inabilities to proceed. It’s not God at all who has anything to do with it.

Be careful about over discerning. God is always where peace is consistently. I often tell people that the devil shakes in the moment, and God holds us over time. Meaning, we make bad decisions when we are in the middle of unrest and chaos of situations, events and emotions. God lays peace on our hearts over time.

Love is tested over time. One of the greatest ways to acknowledge you are in love is when you come to realize that you cannot imagine living the rest of your life without this person. That is the conviction you want to have going into a serious relationship.

For someone who is engaged and trying to determine if you should proceed with setting a wedding date, a short break could help settle things down, but I emphasis the word “short.” A week or two is sufficient.

Sometimes people get cold feet. But sometimes people fear that they may be making a fatal mistake. This can still just be nerves. Stopping with the wedding plans and taking some time apart can help clear the mind and restore the peace. Say that you need to take a little time to yourself to clear your mind and settle your heart so you can proceed in the best state of mind possible.

It does not take long to know if you should proceed or not. If you need longer than 2 weeks, than the engagement should be called off and take as much time as you need. Don’t date, don’t talk to each other. Hopefully, your fiance, who does not want a break, will be understanding.

If you determine that you can’t proceed, then you have an obligation to not go forward with it. I know that sounds obvious, but you would be surprised how many people still proceed out of guilt or some sense of obligation. Marriage is too sacred of an institution to be treated disrespectfully and entered into without firm consent of the will of both parties. Endure the fallout of calling it off, and then move forward. Hopefully, it will not come to that. It is more likely that you are overwhelmed, and the prospect of this big step and change in your life is imploding on you.

Pray to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and hear Him asking you this question: “Are you prepared to live without him for the rest of your life?” Let the Holy Spirit lay peace on your heart a “yes” or a “no”. Then proceed with faith in the direction where the peace lies.