Category Archives: Chastity

Few things are as beautiful and inspirational to me as being on the beach. There is something about watching the sea and listening to the waves crash against the shore that uplifts my spirits, clears my mind, and brings out creativity. In fact, I am at the beach right now as I write.

If there is one thing that is more beautiful and inspiring to me than the ocean, it is the sight of an older couple holding hands walking along the ocean’s edge. I have already seen two such couples today looking so adorable holding hands, their heads fully grey and their time-weathered bodies moving slowly. Two long-time lovers still obviously in love with each other. You cannot help but smile. It is so very touching to see, you cannot help but utter, “Awwwww!”

How special is that? You still want to hold each other’s hand! Who doesn’t want to have that kind of love to still exist when they have been married for so long and are that old age? It is solid proof that the feelings of love are still very much alive.

I believe if you want to know if a relationship in trouble, start by observing if they hold hands.   You can hide a lot of things from others as a couple, but you cannot hide the reality that you don’t hold hands when walking together.

Two people in love are going to hold hands. Not all the time, but definitely often. And that is because when you are in love, you cannot help but want to touch the other person. God designed it that way, and our sexuality is naturally inclined to it. The most fundamental aspect of sexual attraction is the desire to be close, the desire to touch the other. Chastity demands that you not get too close, and that you do not do certain things before marriage. But there still must be some kind of touch.

This can be done by reaching out and holding hands, and with great satisfaction. Sitting close by each other or walking together, holding hands provides a wonderful fulfillment of that desire to be close. In fact, it is actually very healthy and important for developing the relationship.

That is not to say that couples who are dating and hold hands are definitely in love and will marry.  No.  Obviously couples break up who held hands a lot.  The focus here is when a couple no longer holds hands.   It is a sure sign that things are not going well if you think you love each other but have stopped holding hands (or never have).  Couples with a troubled relationship can pretend everything is okay by still holding hands.  They might be trying to make the feeling present, or one might be trying to keep the other fooled into thinking all is well. 

But a normal reaction to a troubled relationship of two sincere people is to not hold hands so often, and ultimately stop all together.  It happens unnoticed and without thinking.  Why?  Because holding hands comes naturally and it is a deep form of intimacy.  

It is also totally possible to be in a marriage that is very sexually active in the bedroom, but the couple does not hold hands anymore. In other words, there is sex but no affection. That is further proof, by the way, that sex activities do not prove true love exists. Our ability to show affections such as hand holding, hugs, loving looks and smiles, and light kisses throughout the day go a longer way in fostering the feeling of love.

Couples in love hold hands. Couples with problems don’t.

Now, at this point, it’s worth specifying that I am speaking of the affectionate side of love, the pleasurable feeling that exists within the reality of love. There is no doubt that committed love, marital love, does not require pleasing feelings to be present in order to be lived. Marriages can have love without affection. Feelings of love diminish or die, while the commitment of love remains. That is everyone’s worst nightmare, I know, but it does happen, and is more common than we care to admit Living the covenant of marriage even without feeling love is the higher good and still very much the highest calling of love.

Having said that, my point here has to do with the wonderful, incomparable feeling of being in love. There is nothing like it, and it is what everyone wants who desires to marry and have a family. They want to feel they are in love, and they never want that feeling to die.

That is completely understandable, and I pray that it happens for everyone. This kind of love is a gift from God, and a testimonial of the two persons capable of such love, that they chose wisely, and they did what is necessary to safeguard and foster their love. And let’s face it, there is some luck involved since you never know if the other person is going to drastically change on you or become something you did not foresee that naturally causes problems that affect the feelings of love.

As much as we want committed love, we do also want to feel it. We want romance just as much as we want service, duty and sacrifice. We want to feel happy, not just taken care of.

When the Beatles sang “I want to hold your hand” (great song!), they were talking about the desire for affection. It is the way the other makes you feel that draws you closer. Hand holding is a unique gesture of romantic love. It is a sign of great affection. I don’t care how close you are with a friend, one thing you never do with someone who is “just a friend” is hold hands.

Therefore, I say again that holding hands is proof that romantic love exists. So if you notice that you are not holding hands anymore, you need to consider that you might have problems you are not aware of that have affected your relationship. Things could get worse. Consider not holding hands as a sign, a red flag, that should make an alarm go off in your head and cause you to take the time to evaluate your relationship.

That is, of course, if you don’t want the romance, the feelings of love, to diminish or disappear completely. And who wants that? No one, I venture to guess. However, relationship and marital problems are very sneaky. We are inclined to be in denial about problems, and allow ourselves to be distracted so we do not have to confront them. If we don’t nip them in the bud, they slowly get worse and happen without really knowing it.

To couples who do not hold hands anymore, I challenge you to ask yourselves why you don’t.  If you can honestly say it is because you don’t have that feeling of love any longer and you want it back, then you have to work together to figure out what has gone wrong and communicate exceptionally well about it.  God willing, you will soon be holding hands again.

To the couples who hold hands, God bless you, and please keep up the good work. Your public hand holding is a very powerful witness. And the older you are, the more you inspire us and make us say “Awwwwww!” You give us faith and hope that the feelings of love are possible to last a lifetime.

“Hot” seems to have become the most common adjective men and women use to describe the visual pleasure factor of each other.

I find the term “hot” to be degrading and inappropriate. Even more disturbing than the word itself is the tone and look of people as they say the word. If not lustful in motive, definitely leaning toward it. What else could it be but a form of lust to use this term? The term has to do with describing the body of a person and how much it pleases you to look at it. That’s pretty much in the “lust” department. It’s certainly not in the “love” department.

In fact, the dictionary would agree with me about the modern definition of hot:

Slang.
a. sexually aroused; lustful.
b. sexy; attractive.

I say let’s stop doing this. It’s very unbecoming, if not degrading. And especially for Christians, more is expected of us. Did you not think I was talking about Christians as well? Unfortunately, I am. It is amazing to me the amount of professed Catholics who use this term quite freely and comfortably. It goes to show just how easy it is to be lured into the trends of secular society.

But we should be leaders and examples. There is nothing “Catholic” about describing a woman or a man as “hot.” What’s more, this kind of talk contributes to idealization and objectification. You condition yourself to want the ideal looking body that will be the object of your pleasure.

Now counter this approach with a desire to get to know the unique person of an individual who maybe has a great smile, a nice laugh, a pretty or cute face, enjoyable to be around, and is very healthy looking in body. The person has a deep love of the faith as you do, is very interesting and easy to talk to, and an overall delightful person.

However, this person is not what you could call “hot.” Why? Because “hot” has only to do with the body and the looks. This person described above is average looking.

Average. The use of this term to describe the looks of a person has, unfortunately, a negative connotation. But it should not. Most people in the world are average looking. Did you know that? Most people are not “hot.” That’s why there is so much excitement for the “hot” people. They are “hot” because they have above-average looks as defined by society and as we have been conditioned by the media such as films, television, magazines, advertising, etc.

So we look for the “hot” among us. And to what end? Is this really the main criteria for love? For what will make a person a good mother/father or spouse; in finding a suitable partner for marriage? Is this what we are looking for? A photograph? An image? A dream?

In the meantime, the average looking among us who are the bulk of the opportunities for love and marriage are scrutinized, second-guessed, even passed over. They are nice, and they are great people, but they do not satisfy.

And there is the lie. That a hotter looking person will satisfy, rather than “settling” for an attractive person. Perhaps if your goal is sexual pleasure, then a “hot” person is the home run. That’s another deception, because at the heart of wanting a “hot” person is the pleasure of the sense of sight. Non-”hot” people are just as capable of satisfying sexually as anyone else.

Pleasure of the eyes has been made the highest priority. And this is excused as being “chemistry,” as if visual pleasure is the submit of attraction.

Does this mean “average” means unattractive? Not at all, as I have already pointed out. Average means that they are pretty or handsome, and typically their looks vary in all kinds of unique and interesting ways. They are not the cookie-cutter looks that make for the society-defined “hot” looking woman or man.

Have you noticed how many average looking guys want “hot” girls? The average girls (again, these are girls who are pretty, attractive women who are NOT magazine images) are frustrated because no matter how beautiful they are, they cannot control that they are not “hot.” Thus, they are not the ideal, nor can they satisfy as the object of visual pleasure.

This, of course, is absolutely ridiculous. Men and women who live in this world of searching for the “hot” among us have to snap out of it and get out of the fog. You are missing the whole point of love and marriage. Average is good, not bad. Average is normal, every day life.

Average is what is around you. And average is beautiful, enjoyable, satisfying, and fulfilling. People of good character, strong faith, great sense of humor, and pleasing demeanor are all around you and make for the stuff of true love and marriage. Someone who will be a close friend, a good companion, and who loves you and is easy to love makes for what is real and lasting when it comes to chemistry and attraction.

So I say that average is the new hot! Keep reminding yourself of this. Average is the new hot. Pursue the person. Seek first the person you connect with, and allow all else to fall into place. Looks don’t last. But the love of the person does.

If you find a person that has all the important qualities AND ends up being above average looking as well, then that’s just icing on the cake. But please, never refer to them as “hot.” It’s degrading. Show more respect. Be classy. Just tell her she is beautiful, ravishing, gorgeous, lovely, and many other adjectives of respect and admiration.

“Hot” implies you want that body. Is that really who you are? We should never desire the pleasure of a body without full inclusion of the person.

Dear Anthony,

I am girl who feels it is important, and choose to, keep my virginity before marriage. This is hard to do in today’s dating climate, even with Catholic men. It seems to be the exception rather than the norm. Anyway, this might seem like a strange question but what is considered appropriate as far as kissing goes? It’s impossible to date and not do anything at all.

You have hit on a very sensitive subject that is very close to my heart, and that I have a strong opinion about; namely, the subject of kissing. There are no cut and dry answers to this question. When it comes to kissing or other forms of physical touch before marriage, the opinions about the when and how you do it will vary greatly, depending on who you talk to. As to how kissing is connected to maintaining virginity, that will also vary in opinion a great deal.

How we conduct ourselves is a reflection of our interior life. Therefore, the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we behave, etc., all bear witness to what is in our mind, heart, and spiritual life.

Kissing is not just something we do. It is an expression of the interior. Let’s be clear that it is a good thing. But there are different types of kissing, and each have their place. The most common three are the peck on the cheek, the pressing of lips, and the more passionate expression of kissing that is known as “French kissing,” where the tongue is involved.

I think we can immediately eliminate the peck on the cheek option as being anything negative. Kissing someone on the cheek displays a sign of affection, but hardly qualifies as something immoral or that would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Friends and family express their love for each other this way (even men with other men in many cultures).

Now we turn to the kiss on the lips. This one must be considered in the area of the sacred, in my view. I’m sure many will think I am crazy, or perhaps old-fashioned, but the more I understand about the person, marriage, purity, and love, the more I think we are too flippant about the act of kissing.

What is wrong with a little kiss with someone you are dating? In one respect, nothing. Again, right now we are talking about a kiss on the lips. And I am not referring to the kind of quick kiss two young people might do because they are shy, curious and, well, young. I am referring to a kiss on the lips for a longer duration of time. There is nothing wrong with this. I don’t believe closed-mouth kisses are typically capable of exciting passions that lead to other physical activity, including that which would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Unless, of course, the arms get involved. If you hug and press each other close for an extended period of time while kissing, then the risk of exciting passions increases, starting with the temptation to open the mouth and move on to the next kind of kiss.

But let’s stay with closed-mouth kissing for a moment. We agree it not wrong, per se, nor immoral. However, there is symbolism to this action that needs to be considered. The prolonged kiss on the lips is a gesture that represents something more (or at least it should). It represents a willing offering of the heart. Particularly for a woman, a kiss represents the invitation to pursue her heart further.

Men should greatly respect this aspect of a women. And a good man is going to feel the same way. The alternative is the risk of heartbreak on either side, men as well as women. If there was kissing involved in a relationship that ends, no matter how brief, there is more given away than just the lips. In that kiss is given the affection that is rooted in the heart.

Every young girl dreams of her first kiss. Boys typically do not. They simply want to kiss a girl. Girls want to fall in love. The kiss is a symbol of that possibility. Boys just want to kiss for the pleasure of it. Girls want it to be so much more than that. And they have the power to inspire boys to feel that way too. In that respect, a woman can lead a man in chastity. But a man who has this sensibility and lives it in his dating life inspires the heart of a woman.

Saving your kiss for your future spouse may be difficult (if not impossible) for the modern world to practice, but it is wise to try and do. Kissing is definitely a precursor. Preserving your kiss also helps preserve your virginity for your future spouse. It means those who just want sex from you will flee pretty quickly. And that’s good, because that means you learned their quality; which is not much if they are not willing to wait. You are worth the wait.

The physical action of kissing is the first line of defense, and to express a physical kiss is to challenge the guards. Once past this guard, other physical allowances will then be challenged and succumbed to.

Let this external expression happen and the interior will is weakened. The more you do it, the weaker your will. It is folly to assume that purity can be maintained with passionate kissing. Perhaps there are rare people who have such strong self control that they can kiss deeply and stop there. But most of us cannot. There really is no place for this kind of kissing among two practicing, unmarried Christians. It is too dangerous, and our call to chastity requires we guard against stirring the passions.

I suggest focusing on the principle of kissing. We need more unmarried persons considering this. We need them to make the connection of the kiss and the heart, especially men when it comes to a woman’s heart. We need more virgins coming to the altar of the Lord on wedding days. I am convinced that kissing has much to do with why there are not more people who have saved themselves for their wedding day.

I realize those dating are faced with the expectations to have sex, even among Catholics, and that my kissing opinion seems unrealistic. We live in a sex obsessed world. Sadly, the kiss is not considered sacred, just as virginity is not. Why not bring back men kissing the hand of a woman? It is charming, it is respectful, it is gentlemanly, and it is very attractive. It also preserves purity while still expressing affection through a kiss.

I recognize that that it might be unrealistic to expect this, and that people do kiss people they don’t actually end up marrying. I don’t want to imply that I think people are wrong, or bad, or immoral if they engage in kissing someone they don’t marry. It’s not a matter of what is wrong or right. I just want to challenge people to think about this more, and consider something counter-cultural and that might actually help the big picture when it comes to dating and marriage. It’s a matter of strengthening our will, because a weak will easily makes excuses for actions. We should consider what is important, and consider our motives, and consider the “Why?” of an action long before we “decide” to do it. Just maybe this will help protect purity even better.

Perhaps if we focused on preserving the kiss and seeing it as a gift rather than a right when dating, the issues of pre-marital sex and the loss of virginity would naturally go away. I just pray that my children, at least, will see it that way. I don’t intend to be unrealistic about this, but I am teaching them as they grow how things like kissing are connected to love, marriage, and virginity, and the meaning behind actions.

Virginity is sacred and should be cherished. But it cannot be if we are not willing to consider all physical contact, including kissing, to play an important role very much connected to virginity.