Category Archives: Dating

Literary fiction has been providing a window of insight into the inner workings of true love for centuries. One good book like “Pride and Prejudice,” for example, can do more for an inquisitive soul searching for good relationship advice than stacks of self-help books from so-called dating and marriage experts.

The reason for this is simple: literature provides an engaging story with lively characters the reader connects with, and thus the lesson of love is woven into the fabric of the story, making it easier to absorb the valuable advice.

We can relate better with literature than with self-help books. An expert might write that you must take charge of your dating life and get out there to make yourself available. Contrast that with the story of a shy and nervous man who is hesitant about approaching the girl he does not know well but is in love with, and the tension created as his friend tells him she is about to walk out of his life forever if he doesn’t do something about it right now.

Good literature engages the reader. You are drawn into the characters and their adventures, making a lasting impression you can take into your own life experiences.

Though you completely expect to read a good love story in “Pride and Prejudice,” you would not think to glean any productive dating advice from the Harry Potter series. Love it or hate it, the Harry Potter series is engaging and the characters rich and approachable.

Throughout the series, Harry Potter and the other children get older and develop a normal, natural interest in the opposite sex. It’s no surprise that the characters eventually have some dating experiences.

I have read this series to my boys. While reading “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” there was a surprisingly insightful dating lesson I thought was worth sharing. Let me give you some highlights of the scene and some quotes from the book.

Harry asked Cho out on a date for Valentine’s Day. They go to a popular tea shop in the town of Hogsmeade near Hogwarts, their school. Harry had also made plans to meet with Hermione at the Three Broomsticks later that day. He tells Cho this, who raises her eyebrows and says, “You are meeting Hermione Granger? Today?” He says yes and that Hermione said she can come too. “Oh…well…how nice of her,” Cho says in a cold tone.

Cho then proceeds to tells Harry that Roger Davies asked her out a couple weeks before and she turned him down. Harry said nothing.

Then she was telling Harry how she came to that same tea shop with Cedric, her old boyfriend who recently died. She wanted to talk about Cedric with Harry, and really needed to. Harry tells her he is tired of talking about Cedric and that he already talked about him with Ron and Hermione. Cho is then crying and saying that he will talk to Hermione but not to her, and that he should go ahead to meet Hermione and however many other girls he is meeting after that.

Harry was bewildered and did not understand what happened.

When meeting up with Hermione and Ron, he tells Hermione what happened with Cho. Hermione advised him that he was a bit tactless and he should not have told Cho he was meeting her while he was on the date with Cho. Harry is defensive and annoyed, saying one minute they were fine and the next she is talking about Roger and Cedric.

Here is what transpires from there between them:

Hermione: You should have told her differently. You should have said it was really annoying, but I’d made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn’t want to go, you’d much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you’d be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too.

Harry: But I don’t think you’re ugly.

Hermione: (Laughing) Look, you upset Cho when you said you were going to meet me, so she tried to make you jealous. It was her way of trying to find out how much you liked her.

Harry: Is that what she was doing? Well, wouldn’t it have been easier if she’d just asked me whether I liked her better than you?

Hermione: Girls don’t often ask questions like that.

Harry: Well, they should! Then I could’ve just told her I fancy her, and she wouldn’t have had to get herself all worked up again about Cedric dying!

Hermione: I’m not saying what she did was sensible, I’m just trying to make you see how she was feeling at the time.

Ron: You should write a book, translating mad things girls do so boys can understand them.

Pretty dense of Harry, right? Well, he gets a pass because he is a teenager. But men are pretty dense well into adulthood, too. And though they don’t deserve the same kind of pass that Harry gets, women do need to realize men are generally dense and need a little help (sometimes a lot of help) from them to know exactly what is going on.

Unfortunately for men, women tend to be vague. They drop hints, preferring that men “know” what is wrong with them without having to tell them.

This is a conundrum. Men are dense, while women want them to be observant and, frankly, mind readers. How do men resolve this dilemma?

Harry’s frustration resonates with the male reader because all men are frustrated by they backlash they get from women when they were not able to pass the mind reading test. And like Harry, most men find it easier to just walk away, throwing their hands into the air and wondering what just happened. They also don’t really care why it happened and tend to consider the episode a good reason to say, “This one isn’t for me” (as if they are going to find a woman who is not like this).

So what’s a guy to do? Hermione, being quite insightful for a teenage girl, gives the answer, but also the reality.

1) Always make a girl feel like she is the girl you prefer to be with, even when you cannot be, or have to be with another girl for any reason
2) A girl wants you to believe other men want her so you will fight to make her feel the most special with you.

That’s the answer to male density according to Hermione. And she is pretty spot on. And now what is the reality? That women react on feelings. This is perhaps the most important lesson here. Hermione says she only was telling Harry what Cho was feeling, not that what she did was sensible.

How many men ask “why?” when a woman does or says something, when they should be focusing on the way a woman is feeling in the moment? They all do. Men are problem solvers, so we need to know what happened and why, in order to take care of the matter.

Harry is “bewildered” because he is dense. He is dense because he is wondering “why” this is happening with Cho when everything was going fine. Dense men are on the wrong trail. It’s a dead end to ask why. It is much more productive to consider how she feels.

A woman shows her feelings when her peace, comfort, and safety are disrupted. Men, it is up to you to get in the habit of practicing the consideration of a woman’s feelings. Only then can you hope to empathize.

Hermione basically says that Harry needs to put himself in Cho’s shoes in order to know what she is feeling. He would then have much more valuable information to make a productive decision, and avoid the classic bewilderment all men are inclined to when a woman does or says something they just don’t understand.

You cannot become a mind reader, and women should never expect this of men (and should definitely share more specific information with men if they want to be understood). But you can become more observant, and you can stop being so shocked when a woman behaves this way. It is how they are. Embrace that and put in what is necessary to help avoid situations like Harry and Cho experienced.

Have you ever given or received the silent treatment? Chances are good that most of you have.

I think this AT & T commercial about the silent treatment is very clever, and will give you a good laugh. Like most jokes, there is an element of truth to it. In particular, the angst that accompanies the silent treatment, as portrayed by the girl in this commercial.

It’s not the silence that is the problem. It’s the intent behind it. There’s nothing wrong with silence. But when you purposely ignore a person whom you love or are developing a relationship with, that’s not good. Obviously, there is hurt involved, which turns to anger, which compels the retaliation to hurt back, known as the silent treatment.

Why does anyone find it helpful to hurt someone back who has hurt you? Yet, we do just that. It’s like it’s second nature. You get hurt in some way. Then you’re angry and desire to cause pain to the person who hurt you.

But why the silent treatment? What is accomplished in purposeful silence toward the person you are with that is better than yelling at them or talking angrily to them about why you are mad?

There are two key things here: 1) the absence of talking and 2) the distorted presence of silence.

To not talk to someone you normally talk to stops significant communication. You are no longer sharing information, and thus no longer sharing yourself. Not speaking to a person stops the presses on the relationship in a significant way.

Silence is important to every individual’s life, and also important to growing in love with another. There is the silence we should seek out daily which allows us to connect with God through prayer. To avoid finding quiet time to be with God or just to be alone with your own thoughts is to condemn yourself to the need for audible distractions.

Perhaps you always have the TV on, even when you don’t really watch it, or have the iPod piping music into your ears in between work and home because the alternative silence is too unbearable. We connect with ourselves and with God via silence. We refresh our spirit and keep focused on what is important as we continue daily life in this world.

There is the silence that naturally happens in a positive way in any relationship that is deepening. As love grows, the need for words lessens. Therefore silence is that wonderful companion to two lovers who no longer feel the pressure of filling dead air with the sound of words spoken. They delight in simply being in each other’s presence. That experience in is a symbol and imitation of the love we should experience with God.

Because of our love for silence, we are not so addicted to noise, thus sparing the person we are dating the need to hear ourselves talk, and developing the habit of being a good listener.

So silence is a friend, indeed. But only when it is natural.

It is completely unnatural, and harmful, to impose silence in a relationship at times when it is not called for. When you create a prolonged silence your intention is not only to extinguish verbal communication, but also to ignore the person.

Why is this so harmful? Probably most people who inflict the silent treatment on another do not think of it this way, but it is no less true: when you purposely ignore someone, you are indicating that you wish they did not exist.

I will say that again. When you purposely ignore another fellow human being, created in the image and likeness of God, who shares the same requirement for human dignity that you do, you are indicating outwardly and publicly that you wish that person did not exist.

No matter what anyone has done to us, no one deserves this kind of treatment. The silent treatment should be renamed the “Wish You Didn’t Exist” treatment. Perhaps then we might rethink choosing to do it to someone.

You might think I am making too big of a deal of something that is basically just a normal, every day type of spat couples who are fighting go through. Perhaps you are right. But I think we let ourselves get away with too much cruel behavior with fellow human beings, particularly those whom we are building or have deep relationships with, and then excuse it as being “normal” and part of the territory.

That is not the standard Christians should hold themselves to. I don’t think is fine for any decent human being, but certainly not for Christians. We have been given a high standard of love that starts with the dignity of all human beings to be respected by each other.

There’s no place for the silent treatment among mature adults. If you have a problem with someone, you need to find your own dignity. Maturely present your problem to the person you have the problem with in an appropriate manner. If your anger gets the better of you, then fine. But be quick to apologize and make things right, and have a firm purpose to not behave like that again.

How should one best handle the silent treatment? First of all, do not accept it by letting the person get away with it via leaving them alone or avoiding them while they are in this mode. Don’t return silence with silence. You risk making things worse and getting yourself caught up in the silent treatment by your own resentment.

Best to be yourself. Be normal. Talk to the person as you normally would. If they do not answer you or keep ignoring you, let it go. Be honey, not vinegar. Don’t address the treatment directly by asking when they are going to talk to you again. Be sweet and inviting, without being insistent that it stop.

Your hope is that you will defuse the situation and make it more inviting for that person to come out of the silent treatment cage they entered voluntarily. Remember, this person put themselves in hell. You must be heaven to them, and as inviting as possible.

As you go through the dating process and seek to fall in love, get married, and have a family, live the common sense words of Our Lord when he said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Do you feel that you are dating someone who strikes you as having an overly high moral, education, or even cultural standard?  Do you feel like your every action is being observed?  Is the person overly critical of you?  Are they quick to find fault in you but not in themselves?  Do they make you feel like your level of religious practice or approach to life is not on par with theirs?  Do you get the impression your past sins are interpreted as who you really are now?

If you answered yes to any of these, then you might be dating a Pharisee.

The Pharisees of Jesus’ time were elders/authorities of the Jewish community who imposed a strictness on living out the letter of the law down to the smallest detail.  They did not practice what they preached.  It was a hypocrisy that Jesus had no toleration for.

In fact, Jesus presented a chilling parable the depicts a Pharisee and a tax collector in the Temple praying.  The Pharisee boldly says “God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.”  Then the simple tax collector stayed at a distance and would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Jesus says that the tax collector, who was humble, went home justified and the Pharisee, who was self-righteous, did not.

A bit too harsh of Jesus?  Not at all.  Jesus is not impressed with those who are confident their favor with God while they look down on others and are quick to judge.  How bold for the Pharisee to point to the tax collector in the Temple and tell God he is glad he is not like him, assuming the tax collector’s hypocrisy when it was really he who was the hypocrite.

But it should make us all tremble because there is a little bit of Pharisee in all of us that has to constantly be recognized and worked on.  We hold others up to very high standards, and even recoil when someone falls short of those expectations (maybe even cut someone off for their failure).  Yet, we have an incredible capacity for justifying our own actions, and even blinding ourselves to the hypocritical approach to life we lead.

This does not bode well for building successful relationships with others.  How can another person live up to all our expectations?   And if they cannot, does that mean that they are unworthy of our friendship or our love?   There is no doubt that there are actions, behaviors, sins, etc., that are technically deal breakers for the relationship.  But there are many great relationships made up of two basically good people.  People have a past, or problems, or capabilities that infiltrate the relationship at times and cause the couple to question the sustainability of their relationship.

This is where the Pharisee in us can creep in and cause the most problems.  When trouble arises, no matter how grave it is, we focus on what the other has done.  We hold that person up against the strictest of rules and judge them accordingly.  This cannot help but produce the “How could you?” question, which stems from the deep feeling of hurt inside.

It is at this point that it is critical to begin asking yourself questions like “Am I capable of doing such a thing?” or “Did I do something to contribute to this?”, and the like.  Without an introspection component to a troubled time in a relationship, the Pharisee in us will take over, imposing its stringent (and often cruel) position on the offending party.

At the same time, the offending party might believe they are the offended party, causing a defensiveness.  The result is that two Pharisees emerge, taking over the situation in such a way that resolve is impossible.  Both Pharisees need to be extinguished before there can be a resolution.  Both parties have to look at themselves for how they might have contributed to this problem or consider how they will need to be compassionate to the other.  This is what the Lord meant when He preached to get the beam out of your own eye before you try to remove the plank from the other’s eye.

That description is very significant.  It implies that we are always the worse party involved.  This implies two things:  1)  Neither of you should be so anxious about how much wrong the other has done and 2)  it is not your job to fix the other person.

The Pharisee in us is a tyrant that desires to control the other person, while making excuses for ourselves.  We want the other person to live up to our every expectation without that person attempting to impose any kind of expectations on us. The more we express the Pharisee in us, the more conditioned we are to be utterly blinded by
our own thoughts and actions that are harmful.

I have heard about relationship problems for years.  In almost all cases, the problem is that the person is a Pharisee or the person they are dating is.  So many relationship problems are problems of the individuals.  For example, a Pharisee is dating someone who has a lived a lie.  The Pharisee knows that deception is wrong and a grave sin, and presses that person to explain their past and justify it.  The Pharisee goes as far as to feel so offended by this perfectly wonderful, repented person’s past that he/she ends the relationship.  Perhaps he/she ends it because the Pharisee believes that once a deceiver, always a deceiver.  Yet, the Pharisee has a track record of deception as well that has been justified as not being the same thing, or maybe denying it all together, thus living a life of self-deception.

The opposite of a Pharisee is humility.  In humility, there is always self recognition rather than self-deception.  There is always a readiness to forgive because you have been forgiven.   There is always a commitment to forgetting the person’s past and embracing them now.  There is always a realization that others are better than you because you have sinned much worse than others.  And there is always a desire to first be merciful, especially if someone is sorry, because mercy is at the heart of love, which is the heart of Christ.

Dating couples need to work at making the other feel relaxed and themselves so that authentic love has a chance to develop and blossom.   They should be quick to see the best in the other, and assume the fault with themselves, rather than thinking the worst in the other and always making themselves the victim.

God blesses and exalts the humble.  Work on diminishing and exposing the Pharisee in yourself and learn to love with the eyes and heart of Christ.

Many unmarried persons are seriously interested in finding love and getting married, and are serious about their religious beliefs and sharing that faith with someone in marriage.

However, many of these persons are without the close friendship of God to accompany that which they profess to take seriously.

What do I mean? Isn’t a person serious about their faith close to God? Well, yes and no. Those of us who love God know very well that we don’t love Him as much as we should, nor do we include Him in our everyday life as we should. We are all sinners precisely because of this fact.

Jesus told us to pray without ceasing for an important reason. It seems unfathomable, and probably crazy, to most people to pray constantly, and impossible to do.

But this is truly and literally how we need to approach our lives. Not just seriously, but prayerfully.

How often have you witnessed in dating others (or within yourself) inconsistency with what is professed as belief and the words and behavior?

Christians who are dating each other are confused and get damaged or discouraged because the expectation of taking Christian life seriously is tainted by experiencing rudeness, lack of charity, insensitivity, and all manner of things contrary to love as Jesus taught it.

The seriousness about dating in order to find a marriage partner is unproductive and unsuccessful because the individuals involved are not serious about being Jesus to each other.

Being like Jesus and bringing Him to others is serious business. And it must be taken “prayerfully.” Not just seriously, but prayerfully. Jesus wanted us to know that if we are going to be like Him and maintain sharing His very life, we must pray without ceasing.

The more prayer is involved in our life, the more Christ-like we are. If we are not prayerful, we are left to ourselves, which means sin is not far behind.

Dating is frustrating for many because it does not seem to be much of a Christian experience. You have individuals who ARE Christian just kind of putting that aside while they take care of more “important” things like their selfish desires and personal pleasures. After all, God wants us to be happy, right? So we should date with a mindset to find someone who makes us happy, right?

Well, perhaps. But not at the expense of the purpose of dating, which is getting into the vocation of marriage, nor the dignity of the person, which is the treatment of Christian love that every person we date deserves.

We should be praying at every step along the dating path, including each date and inbetween dates. Asking the Lord, the Holy Spirit, Our Lady, our Guardian Angel, or anyone in heaven or purgatory, for help as to what say next or what would be the proper thing to do, or to protect you from a temptation, or to smile when you might be inclined to say something rude, etc.

How many people do this kind of praying while on their dates? My guess is not many do. They just wing it on their own and hope for the best as they interact with the other person.

This is high risk, primarily because we are prone to sin and messing things up, but also because this kind of approach can disconnect us too much from the heart of our moral compass. I’m sure many people feel that they are a good Catholic and pray for God’s assistance and all that, and that means they have enough in place to be okay on their own as they interact with others.

Of course, some are able to do this better than others because they have developed personal human virtue enough that they have good social habits. But even those persons need to keep attentive to what they say and do, and should remain connected to the divine as they interact with people.

For most of us, there are too many bad habits in the way we speak and act that require us to be careful and to invoke divine assistance in the moments, not just at the beginning or end of the day. For those who are dating, this is imperative. Our selfishness is always at work to dominate our interpersonal relationships, so the connection to God and His angels and saints will go a long way in navigating us appropriately through these relationships, especially the beginning stages when first impressions are so important.

Here are some examples of what might be petitioned in the moment on a date:

• “Help me stop focusing on the physical, and pay attention to the whole person”
• “Help me to overcome my initial feeling to pull back, and give this fellow Christian my best and my full attention”
• “Help me to recover from not liking what they said and restore your peace in me” “
• “Help me to refrain from staring lustfully at this woman, or looking at other women while with this one”
• “Help me to resist correcting what he said or from dominating the conversation”
• “Help me to stop talking about myself and show more interest in him or her”
• “Help me not take the way they speak or eat or certain mannerisms too decisively”

Thinking before we speak is a form of prayer. But actually including a heavenly person is better. We cannot have the habit of being thoughtful until we have the habit of considering in thought before we speak or do. And thinking before we act is critical.

Praying in the moment does wonders for keeping us on the right path. None of us are beyond doing stupid things, or going as far as to ruin perfectly good opportunities in our dating experiences even though we are generally good people. If we don’t realize that there are things about us that might very well be unique, but not necessarily good or Godly things, and that these things need to be controlled through key virtues such as prudence, temperance, modesty, self-discipline, and moderation, we risk letting these less desirable things about ourselves be unruly, and thus more destructive than they need to be.

Praying at all times is how to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. You can still be yourself, but praying through your day can enhance your better self, and tame your lesser self. Don’t consider this impossible or too hard. The grace is there. It can be done. It takes practice. Keep it short and simple. Just ask for the help as you recognize you need it. And help will come. It’s a worthwhile habit to develop and will make all the difference in having success in your dating life.

If you have a problem with taking life prayerfully, take it up with Jesus. It was His idea, and command.

I thought I might make a kind of a “job description” for men interested in dating and finding love that ends in sacramental marriage. It might read something like this:

Wanted: Dating Catholic Male

Job Description:

Seeking single Catholic men capable of pursuing Catholic women with the purpose of finding one who will make a suitable marriage partner. Must be willing to make the decision to live with her for a lifetime of love, commitment, and responsibility in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Appropriate applicants must consider dating to be an activity that leads to marriage, not just something to do. Must have real intention to permit things to get serious and take responsibility for love that may develop.

Job Requirements:

- Must not fear commitment. Those afraid of the serious responsibilities that come with falling in love and making a commitment to marriage need not apply. We recognize that a level of fear is natural. As long as it is a nervousness that does not disrupt the ability to act on love, then you are still encouraged to apply.

- Must study and memorize the Catholic Church’s teachings on the ends and purpose of marriage, which can be found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. You are dating women to eventually marry one, be faithful, live with her until death, and be open to children.

- Must take the concept of being the pursuer with seriousness and willingness. Must be willing to make her feel special. Pursuing the heart of a woman is a lifetime role. You can’t stop pursuing once she is caught (i.e., once you are married).

- Must expect to be rejected many times before finding the right person.

- Must accept rejection gracefully and respectfully, never attempting to inflict negativity on the woman for her decision.

- Must understand that authentic pursuing is always with chastity and charity. This means you don’t pursue with wrong motives like lust or control. It is a selfless pursuit, seeking the good and happiness of the woman, even at the risk of being rejected. Must take the lead in the relationship to ensure you do not have pre-marital sex, nor any kind of sexual expression. Get rid of pornography, or any other impurity in your life, stop masturbating, and do all you can to be a chaste and pure man.

- Must be willing to attempt pursuing after an initial rejection. Sometimes a rejection is just part of playing hard to get. A woman might not know how to interpret a man’s pursuits. She might be inclined to reject because of uncertainty. An intelligent man is observant of this and is willing to risk rejection again, even multiple times. Timing and the way you present yourself is important. It could be it was not the right timing, or you did not pursue her in an acceptable context. Be cautious. You don’t want to come across as a stalker or harassing or make her feel uneasy. When in doubt, accept the initial rejection with dignity and move on.

- Must be trustworthy.

- Must deal with any issues of your past. Marriage for men is about leadership. We are looking for men who work hard at addressing their own issues, as well as share them with the women they date. This kind of disclosure helps a woman know she is dealing with a man who takes responsibility for himself.

- Must have confidence, which comes from knowing who you are. You must always maintain your self-respect, your dignity, and your confidence that God loves you. When you have confidence, you can acknowledge that women are different from men. They are women. They don’t act like men, think like men, decide like men, see things like men, nor react like men. You must expect the unexpected when dating and falling in love with a woman. Confidence helps you keep your perspective about yourself as you navigate through the wonderful and often terrifying complexity that is a woman.

- Must be humble, which means you must ALWAYS keep in mind that women have to put up with you as well. After all, you are a man, and you are just as much a puzzle to her as she is to you.

- Must be willing to practice patience. Patience is an acquired virtue over a lifetime. You must be willing to grow in patience while dating and in marriage. Otherwise, a spouse risks being a scourge to the other rather than a blessing if for one of you, patience is lost more often than exercised.

- Must be docile. The ability to compromise and tolerate is critical to accepting the role of husband in marriage. If you are too set in your ways, too demanding of your will or expectations, or too insistent, you cannot live married life and should not be dating. Docility does not mean being a doormat, so you must not be the type to give in to everything a woman says or wants.

- Must have a strong prayer life. Stay connected to God through Christ, His Church, and the Sacraments, especially confession and the Blessed Sacrament. A weak prayer life causes a man to turn on himself and rely on himself, which disconnects him from the source of power and grace. Marital love is impossible to live out without a focus on Christ.

- Must desire to serve others. This can’t be stressed enough. If you want to find a woman who will first serve your every need, then this is not the job for you. A man must desire marriage as the life where he makes his wife happy, content, and at peace.

This job description attempts to help men be encouraged, focused, and see their very accessible potential to become the quality man that good women want, and the necessary action to take in order to successfully attract and marry such a woman.

Many single Catholics who have never been married have no interest in considering someone who has been married before as a future spouse. Not even those eligible for sacramental marriage who have a decree of nullity.

And why is this? It’s not an unreasonable thing for a person never married to want someone also never married. But can we go as far as to have this as a preference or an insistence? Are previously married people some sort of second class citizen? Do those they have to stick to their own kind? Never marrieds(NM) marry other NM, and divorced marry the divorced?

Are we absolutely positive that God does not want us to be open to someone divorced who is now eligible for sacramental marriage via their decree of nullity?

I had a very interesting conversation at our recent Ave Maria Singles retreat with a woman who was communicating with a man who had on his profile that he only wants to date women who are NM. Being a divorced woman and in the annulment process, she let him know she was, in fact, previously married and wished him well. She told me she also gave him a piece of advice:

“Not all of us who have been through a divorce end up bitter and nasty with baggage. Many of us know all too well what a marriage should and should not be.”

I applauded her for offering him this advice. More singles who have never been married and adamant about only marrying someone NM need to hear this advice. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, but there could be everything wrong with being so narrow-minded.

If you are a NM, I would like to offer you some fair warning about those who are presently single (divorced) with annulments:

Annulled Catholics often make the best spouses.

There it is. And don’t say I didn’t warn you. Not the warning you were expecting? That’s probably because too often the warning you hear is to stay away from those who are presently single(PS) because they are scarred, bitter, carry a lot of baggage, and are basically incapable of being in a successful marriage.

There is no denying that many who go through divorce have suffered a great deal, have things to resolve, and need healing. Some never quite get past the negative experience of divorce and are not ready (maybe never will be) for being open to a relationship and marriage. You should definitely make sure you are not dealing with a PS who is not quite ready for a relationship.

But there are many divorced Catholics who have come out of the bad experience positive and are ready for real love and an authentically Catholic marriage. They are free to marry in the Church and have much to offer.

They have spiritualized the sufferings they have endured and grown through them. They have found healing through the annulment process of the Catholic Church. They’ve learned a great deal about themselves and about what marriage should be.

There are so many incredible divorced Catholics eligible for sacramental marriage who are past what is fantasy and unrealistic about marriage, and have simplified their expectations. They know the value of having and being a good spouse, are easy to please, anxious to serve, and know how to be content. They know what is important and are no longer distracted by false senses of love. They will not make the same mistake twice.

They are at peace with themselves and focused on God. They want real love and know how to give it. They are level headed and not easily fooled. You can’t help but notice as you date them how clear minded and wise they are. They have so much to give, except their time to waste. They long for real love but will sooner live without it rather than marry again despite it.

This is not to make the presently single(PS) out to be better than someone who is a NM. But it is definitely to encourage the NM not to avoid the PS.

God is the cause of every person who comes into our life. Keeping an open mind and heart is to live in trust of God. The more we try to control, insist, prefer and demand, the less God can do for us, and the more blind we become to those God is influencing to cross our paths.

It is not unlikely that God would want you to be open to someone PS who is eligible for sacramental marriage. After all, in the eyes of God, a person with a decree of nullity has never been married.

So be careful, never marrieds. It is totally possible to find a PS who captures your heart and is better than any NM you have dated. You just might find out that by being open to a divorced Catholic with a decree of nullity, you have discovered love like you never imagined, and live a marriage more blessed and exemplary than you ever could with another NM.

Some time ago I wrote about a good wife from God’s point of view. Since then, many have written to me requesting that I write about a good husband from God’s point of view. I put it off because unlike the Scripture passages that specifically say “A good wife….,” there are no passages that specifically say “A good husband…”

Interesting. Does this mean that God is not as concerned about what a good husband should be, only what a good wife should be?

This week, a man wrote to me in response to an article I wrote concerning women who are tempted to call a man after the first date. He said “I believe it is my role to pursue, but women still tell me they are too busy or not interested.” His concern is being rejected.

There lies part of the answer of what a good man should be, and what makes for a good husband. I explained to him that the life of a man is to pursue and to be rejected. This obviously applies to dating in that men have to ask women out, and they will likely undergo a fair amount of rejection before meeting a woman who is open to his further pursuit.

But it also applies to marriage. Pursuit and rejection do not end once you are married. A man must continue to pursue his wife. A man is always at work to make the one he loves feel special, loved, treasured, in short; make her feel happy. Her joy, in turn, is to be all the things God points out through the Scriptures about what a good wife should be.

No one likes to be rejected, but men have to learn how to accept rejection. It is part of the job description. If men are going to date or be a husband some day, then they have to subject themselves to rejection and take being rejected well.

As the man pursues the one he loves, he might be rejected, even in marriage. There are many reasons why a woman might not be open to her husband. Perhaps he did something stupid (I know, hard to believe, right?) and she has distanced herself. Or perhaps she is going through something emotionally that causes her to be not the most attractive person at that moment. The man’s role is to rise above his feelings and do whatever he can to reinstate her.

This is very biblical. St. Paul, the book of Song of Songs, and God’s love for Israel as compared to a bride and bridegroom. We see God and the person of Jesus associated as the male role in a love relationship and in marriage.

St. Paul provides the call of a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. The Song of Songs is the presentation of the courtship of God and His people Israel, with God (the bridegroom) pursuing the Church (the bride), and is the symbol of the union of Christ and His Church. And there are many passages (found in Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel) of God living out his unbreakable covenant of love with Israel, even when she is unworthy and unlovable.

God pursues, both during courtship as well as during the marriage. He is always pursuing, even when his bride is unfaithful. God shows that a man in love is never stationary, and his pursuit never comes to an end. He is always on the move, because love inspires him to act on behalf of his beloved.

He also shows us that a good man/husband has a sense of dedication, devotion, and service; making the life of his wife and family a priority over his own:

Ephesians 5:25-27: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Clearly, St. Paul is saying that the man has the responsibility to sanctify his wife through a sacrificial love. His “mission” is to die for his wife in every way possible. The splendor of his wife represents himself. A good man, therefore, proves he is at the service of others, ready and available when there is a need, able and willing to put aside his own wants and needs for a higher good. A woman, in turn, has to respond and she has to lend support for your mission. But that is another matter.

Living these qualities while single and displaying them during the dating process is essential. A woman wants to know she is special and unique to you. She is not going to assume or hope you will love like this later and marry you now. She needs to experience love that pursues and is dedicated to only her. She will then slowly but surely build trust in your love and open her heart until finally she is completely yours.

Pursue with courage and without ceasing. Be respectful, kind, considerate, and patient. Take rejection like a man, always renew your resolve, keep working on yourself and improving the way you pursue. Stay close to God with confidence in His love for you, and confidence in who you are. Smile, have a good sense of humor, and keep serving others. Never give up. There is a woman out there for you, and lots of rejection to endure before you find her.

Dear Anthony,

I was on a first date with a man recently that went very well for both of us and ended with my clearly believing we would see each other again. After four days, I called him to find out when we would be going out again.

You really called to get closure. That’s understandable. Women need closure in order to move on. But his not calling you in a reasonable amount of days post first date was all the closure you needed, if you felt four days was too long to hear from him. Your contacting him has burned the bridge of any hope that he might still contact you to go out again. Women cannot forfeit their mystery just to get closure.

A man who does not call is likely not interested. It might be that he wants to take time to see if you are that type of woman who has to be called right away, and if not, will be unsettled and feel she has to make the call. I’m not saying men do that maliciously (God forbid, that would be really distorted), but more subconsciously based on bad experiences of dating women who seem to them (though they might have misinterpreted) like needy or over anxious women.

Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested. If there are men out there who are not quite sure what to do after a date has gone well and the women clearly showed interest, there are problems there that a woman should not be interested in taking on.

My concern is that you take time to realize and understand your dignity as a dating woman, which is your mystery. Your mystery is what makes a man want to see more of you and discover who you are. Each date reveals a little more about you that is intriguing without giving away the ending. Men who get too much of a woman at one time choke on it. They can’t process it, and therefore they panic or are too overwhelmed and just decide it is not worth it. Or worse, they have seen too much and find the pursuit way too easy or dull (lacking adventure).

Provide the man with a sample of you to generate interest, and at the end of the date to give a clear indication you would be interested in going out again. Perhaps you say, “I enjoyed myself, thank you, I hope we can do this again sometime,” something like that. If you don’t present anything interesting about you, nor give him a clear green light that he can ask you out again, then he will not be interested.

To get impatient and make the call after the date might make you feel better, but it has hurt your chances of maintaining that man’s interest. So you should not have called him. It would be better if you just resumed your normal life and kept him in your prayers.

A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. You might say “I am not impatient, I just want to hear that he is not interested.” You want closure. But what if four days of not hearing from him is not closure for him? Maybe he is getting up the nerve to contact you again. Maybe he is praying about you. And again, maybe he is just waiting to see if you are going to pursue him instead of allowing him to pursue you.

I realize that many women are sick of this aspect of dating; namely, the going out on a date, having a great time, and then being left to hang there wondering what is going to happen next. But you have understand that there is a big problem with women allowing themselves to hang there at all.

You have dignity. You have to know that for some lucky man, you are a good catch. You have to understand that the right man is going to recognize who you are and want you. You have to accept that dates are just that; dates. There are no promises or guarantees after a date. Though the date went well and you both seemed like you really liked each other, a good night’s sleep might make things look different in the morning. Or praying about it might change one’s mind. Who knows?

The fact is, you are a person and a woman worthy of a good man FOR YOU. You want him to be good for you. No man who sees who you are and has interest is going to pass up on an opportunity to see you again. So do not succumb to that temptation to need closure.

A good date is a blessing, even if it never goes further. You got to go out, you had a good time, and you felt like a woman and human. Wonderful! Thank God for that. But it is selfish to over desire for that to continue. It is natural to want that feeling again. Who wouldn’t? But a woman’s dignity should never be sacrificed for the hope that taking control of the situation will produce another date. I’m sure most women you talk to will attest that this rarely works.

You are a woman. A woman has mystery. A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery. A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms. If he is interested, his pursuit will be pleasingly timely. If his silence is unreasonable, then allow him to move on without your effort to take control. You never know if God has a timing for the two of you contrary to your own expectation.

In the meantime, preserve your dignity, your mystery, and be firm in your trust in right man for you taking action. Wait for the post-date call. He will call. Pray for strength to resist the need for things to happen in your time and the need for closure.

It is a popular notion that the love between a man and a woman should be unconditional; without any condition of love in return by the other. This is a very romantic notion. Who wouldn’t want to be loved unconditionally in marriage?

Though we are called by Jesus to love all human beings, I think this unpractical expectation about love between a man and woman sends the wrong message. Do we really want to be in this kind of marriage? Do we really find it appealing that we should love the other despite anything they might say or do?

It certainly would be great if someone loved US unconditionally, so that we are assured of receiving love as we don’t return it. But it’s not so appealing to love another as they don’t return it. In fact, it’s humanly impossible to sustain such a situation. Sustaining such a situation would require God’s grace.

Unconditional love calls us to love our enemies and do good to those who persecute us. It’s a call to forgive, be a peacemaker, and pray for everyone. It’s “unconditional” is because it is deliberate act of the will in the name of God, having nothing to do with the how the other person responds.

Though we are called to pray for an enemy, we are not expected to live with them. It’s one thing to have to put up with a boss who is mean. Because you don’t have to live with him, you can find a way to tolerate the situation. The Lord has given all the baptized the mission to love unconditionally. This is NOT, however, the mission of married couples to each other.

Marital love is a “mutual” love; a mutual giving of persons to each other. It is a choosing of the other person. It’s love that accepts failings at love. It grows from these falls “on condition” that there is a desire and an effort to improve. The love is sustained despite ongoing failures because being with that person is more of a positive than any negative moments.

Who would go into marriage knowing that the other was going to stop loving them, and they would be stuck having to love that person who no longer loves them? No one! It’s the worst of situation imaginable. To have to love someone who doesn’t love you in return and without it affecting you so you can always sustain that love is unrealistic, to say the least. A successful, fulfilling Christian marriage where both person grow as individuals happens only on condition that the love is mutually exchanged.

No marriage is perfect, meaning both person are mutually exchanging love to perfection at all times. As one fails in love in moments, the other must help the fallen one up through forgiveness and understanding. They start again and move forward, maintaining at the core that intention and commitment to mutually give of themselves.

As we date, we must be able to recognize the capability to have a mutual love exchange. If the person seems too self-centered or controlling, or unsupportive of your interests, then there is reason to pause and consider if this is what you want.

It is very possible to be so caught up in the wonderful things about the person you are dating that you are blind to these very important signs that the person won’t be able to live the call to mutual love required in marriage. They might be a very lovable person, but are you willing to love this person for a lifetime despite their unloving tendencies? Perhaps you are. As I said earlier, the person we marry must be more of a positive that makes any negative bearable. In other words, you love them despite their faults.

To love someone despite their faults is also a very romantic notion. However, Christian marriage is too important of a call to be entered into loosely or stupidly. We have a moral obligation to determine the difference between a fault and an impediment to mutual love. Our love for another needs to transcend above the romance of emotions and feelings, to the practical world of actions that build up the other to be the person God calls them to be.

This is a mutual exchange. It can’t be one-sided. Asking yourself during the dating process: Do I see both of us displaying a capability and desire to serve and accept each other for who we are, as well as forgiveness when we fail?

The dating process is the practicing of this mutual love exchange. You can’t start the official ball game if you don’t see the potential during practice. Marriage is on-the-job training, and as you are married and living marital love, you will grow better and better at it.  However, you cannot expect this kind of mutual love to happen within marriage if you don’t see aspects of it before marriage.

It’s a terrible thing when one of the partners becomes unlovable in marriage and makes the other person feel trapped or puts them in a position of suffering. It is at these unfortunate times the one person who has to carry the load of the marriage must love the other unconditionally. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish. It requires a union with God and cooperation with divine grace. Many people are not spiritually developed enough to endure these times when unconditional love is called for. It makes sense that the relationship dies. Whether they divorce or not is irrelevant. The death of love is, in and of itself, a tragedy of marriage. This internal death can not only affect the marriage and the family, but cause the loss of that person’s “personhood.” They become a shell of a person going through motions.

This does not mean you have to put up with any type of treatment. Abuse, for example, whether verbal, physical, mental, psychological, is something that aims at harming the spouse being abused. A person in a marriage that threatens to harm them does not have to take it, and in many instances has an obligation not to allow it.

This is not the dignity of marriage intended by God. We must do all we can to ensure that our marriages will give glory to God through the mutual love exchanged, and the children that are co-created by the couple with God.

Though most marriages have hardships, they should all have the dignity marriage requires. This starts with both persons acknowledging each other’s personal dignity. Without dignity, there is mistreatment and abuse, which is an offense to marriage.

Love all people unconditionally, but grow in mutual love with that one person towards and in marriage with condition. You need each other giving true love to each other. Do not expect one person to carry the load of loving. That is not the call of marital love. Make each the other happy first, and you will always be happy in turn.

In Psalm 81, God is anxious for us to allow Him to take care of us. If only we would keep faith and trust in Him! He reminds us of all He has done and what He is capable of. “Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” That is His promise to us.

Sadly, we are inclined to give up too easily on God and trust in our own ability to control our situations. We lose sight of God and allow fear to cloud our reason.

Many single Catholics struggle, almost daily, between knowing they should trust in God and leave the matter of their vocation to marriage in His capable hands, and despairing that it will never happen.

If we’re being honest, we would admit that our faith and trust in God on this matter is primarily intellectual. Where our faith really lies is with own ability to make things happen to affect our bottom line for a future marriage.

The result is one failed relationship after another, and a good deal of interior hardship that weighs on our ability to maintain a perfect peace and joy.

We fail in our relationships and we struggle with unrest and loneliness in between relationships because we do not have faith nor trust in God. He has left us to our own designs.

Our own designs. What are they? They are the multiplicity of thoughts and actions that stem from our main design, following our own will. We are stubborn about our will. We like our will. We trust the plans we have in our will. We lack the humility to act appropriately in our lives in accordance with God’s will, which is the only way to effectively prepare for and live marital love.

It is no easy thing to stare in the face of God’s will and say yes. Original sin has secured ferocious pride in each of us that always seeks to take control. Humility should prompt us to allow God to be in control. But we are two faced, hypocritical, and living a double standard. We don’t realize it because we are stubbornly living it without appropriate reflection on what God would want. And let’s face it, we all think we are pretty good people and don’t think ourselves capable of living a double standard. But we must become anxious to cast off our own will and our desire to control things.

Living this life for God in all things is the only way to be happy. Finding peace in our state is required. Being of service to God and our fellow man is required. Having genuine joy in all that happens is required.

So what are these failures of trust in God, and the double standards that confirm we are attached to our own will rather than God’s will? Here are a few considerations:

1. Praying for a good a Catholic spouse while you lack qualities that can attract such a person, and choosing not to work on yourself.
2. Going through the motions of living the faith, but still living in ways that contradict those pious activities.
3. Pursuing activities and work situations that are not conducive to meeting a quality person.
4. Desiring a good Catholic man or woman who practices their faith and lives purity while you are living impurely yourself.
5. Repeating the same mistakes in your dating experiences instead of learning from them.
6. Being quick to blame and find faults in the people God brings into your life.
7. Never asking Jesus to enlighten you about your faults. You should be begging him to change you into the person your future spouse would be attracted to.
8. Seeing marriage as something to please yourself rather than a vocation of service to God through another person, and therefore making your search for a suitable partner one based on selfish ambitions such as excessively attractive outward looks and body shape and romanticism and pleasure of every kind, instead of focusing on good character, capability of fulfilling marriage requirements and husband and wife roles, and parenting qualities.
9. Giving up on someone too readily because of the misunderstanding that love is not there if you get hurt or you don’t feel loved. Experiences challenge you to step up in maturity rather than over-react and get easily discouraged. Love is fashioned through the fire of suffering.

God tells us that He is ready to handle everything and conquer all our enemies, if only we would trust in Him. Give everything to Him! Live for Him! Only then can you have the ability to love someone else.

It is the ultimate double standard to say we love God and trust Him to take care of the things in our life, and to be stubborn about letting go. We need a single standard in our lives; one that relies on God for all things.

It’s great that you want to be married. But should you be married? Can you get married? Will you ever get married? We play a role in finding our spouse, but God plays more of a role than we realize. In humility will we find ourselves closest to God and content about whatever happens in our life because it is His will.

Abandon the double standards of your life, starting with false piety. Proceed toward a life of practicing daily abandonment to Divine Providence. True love has no double standard, and only one face; the face of Christ among us.

Are you too stubborn about what you want in a spouse to take heed to what God wants you to look for in a spouse and how to go about it? Are you too stubborn to change your ways and work on your issues? Don’t let God leave you to your own designs. Trust Him. Let Him take total control. You will have perfect peace and happiness, and you will be a very attractive person to the opposite sex.

With this kind of trustful surrender, whether marriage happens or not is inconsequential, for you are already in sync with God. But it takes humility. Pray for it daily, and pray that God never leave you to your own designs. Pray Psalm 81. God wants to take complete care of you. Only in great humility can you open wide your mouth so that God can fill it.