Category Archives: Marriage

I read a recent article that started out by saying that “all marriages start off very selfishly.” He went on to say that people realize into the marriage that they can’t be so selfish and act accordingly.  It’s not quite that simple.

Catholic teaching tells us that everyone born is selfish due to original sin that configured humanity to a condition of a self-serving nature.  In Christ, through Baptism, original sin is removed, but its effects remain. Thus, we still have that strong tendency to serve ourselves as the priority in our lives.  Thanks be to God, Baptism also configures us to Jesus Christ and we share His divine nature, making grace available to us.

Now let’s look at selfishness from a practical level as it applies to dating, love and marriage.

Yes, it’s true that marriages start of very selfishly.  However, Christian marriage is a call to a selfless exchange of two people who become one in every way, and subsequently share that love with others.

This is a tall order.  More than half of all marriages fall short of this ideal. I would argue there are many that maintain their marriages but suffer tremendous strain due to unwillingness to address the weaknesses where love fails or is diminished, causing an environment that is contrary to the marriage ideal.

It’s easy to accuse one or both persons of being too selfish.  Is it selfish for a unhappy wife to want the affection of her husband when there is none?  Is it selfish of an unhappy husband to expect the emotional support of his wife but not receive it?

There is a place for selfishness.  Some selfishness is better identified as our “needs.”  Our needs are important and have an effect on how we love another.  If no needs are met as were expected, then love can die.  Should it die?  Probably not, if we only focus on loving as Jesus loved, which is a giving and self-donation without getting it in return.  But only God can live this kind of love.

Human beings fall short of this kind of love.  And it will always be this way.  Marital love is a tall order because it’s unnatural for human beings to accomplish.  It’s impossible because we all have needs, and we all have expectations as to how those needs should be met.  It’s not for us to discount these needs.  But it’s also not for us to excuse our behavior based on these needs.

The key is to accept that we are selfish people throughout our whole lives, and that success in marriage between two human beings is in embracing each other’s humanness as the probability, while mutually striving to become more like that unnatural divine love that is God.  We need to accept that 1) we are selfish and need to work on becoming less selfish, 2) only God can love us perfectly, and 3) any human being is going to fail at times in true love. This kind of acceptance goes a long way in how we approach our own needs as well as the needs of the person we love.

There is still the matter of our valid needs that do have to be met, at least often enough to keep us afloat. No person can sustain providing love to another by meeting all their needs, while having no need of their own met.  That’s not marital love.  Marital love requires both persons participating in the game. When one is down and lacks the ability at the time to give, the other needs to be the stronger one, and vice versa.

In a word, successful marriage between two very non-perfect people is a sharing of love that embraces the other’s selfishness in their moments of selfish acts.  When a selfish act is presented by one, it’s imperative that the other act selflessly in response in order to help rectify the situation and restore peace.  If both act selfishly through actions and reactions, the course toward failed marriage is set.

But I have already said that we are all selfish, and it’s unnatural to be selfless.  Exactly! Christian marriage is impossible without God.  More to the point, two human beings cannot sustain love for a lifetime without divine influence.

In order find a genuine love that can make a marriage work, you have to be committed to working on your selfishness.  It’s a ferocious passion not easily tamed.  If unchecked, we shouldn’t be surprised when not only can we not meet another person’s needs, we can’t recognize a person capable of meeting our needs.

We work on our selfishness primarily by selfless acts.  We have to practice it in order to improve.  It’s called “character development.”  A person of good character is not someone who is no longer selfish.  Rather, it’s a person who recognizes that selfishness is behind the problems, and capable of seeing the good and positive qualities of another above any bad decisions, mistakes, or unattractive qualities.

Marriage is the cure to selfishness because it forces a person to get out of themselves and tend to their spouse and children.  However, marriage only works to cure selfishness as both people are permitted to have setbacks because of selfish moments, and grow in selflessness together by being interested in and attentive to each other’s needs as they struggle and grow.  That is love that cannot fail.

The association to being a Christian and a Catholic comes with a great personal responsibility. It is no doubt an expectation of those who know us to be a Christian that we act like one. This is a natural expectation.

People seem to lose the focus about what they expect from a Christian when it comes to forgiveness and mercy.  It’s more important that the Christian is expected to show mercy rather than they not commit sin.  To sin is human, but to forgive is Godly.  Jesus clearly prioritizes forgiveness in the Lord’s prayer: “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.

Forgive me, but only in the measure that I forgive.  That is what Jesus taught us to pray.

Rather than focus here on the forgiver, I want to focus on the forgivee; the person who is seeking the forgiveness of Christ through the person they have offended. It’s a terrible thing for a person to “assume” they will be forgiven just because the person you’ve offended is a Christian. It may very well be that a Christian is expected to forgive, but YOU are expected to be truly sorry for what you have done.

As we continue in Lent and the spirit of fasting, it would be nice if we could see many people fasting from the empty apologies, or for those who find it hard to ask forgiveness to fast from the pride that keeps them from saying “I’m sorry” when it is called for.

First, there are those who constantly say they’re sorry. Perhaps they continue to do the same thing over and over, expecting the person they’ve repeatedly offended be there with, “That’s okay” after saying “sorry.” They have developed a way of life where doing things that upset someone is normal, and the forgiveness by that person expected. There is no end to this cycle of offenses because the person forgiving wants to forgive and move on, but the offender is not truly sorry.

When we’ve hurt someone, we need to be repair that damage. We need to feel sorrow and feel determined not to repeat our mistake.  We then need to confess what we’ve done, and make up for it. The fundamental penance is to change and make things better than they were.

In order for someone to take you seriously about your apology, the words must be backed up with action.

This is how we raise our children. You hit your brother? Say you’re sorry and give him a hug.

Perhaps the constant saying of “I’m sorry” is by one who finds the word “sorry” to be meaningless by also saying it for every little thing that happens that has no need of an apology. This is the overly polite sorrow.  You grab for the salt at the same time someone else goes for it and you say “Oh, I’m sorry, go ahead.” You come out of the mall with a friend toward your car and it’s raining and you say “Gosh, I’m sorry about this.”

You’re sorry.  Are you really sorry? For reaching for the salt? For making your friend walk to the car in the rain?  This is an abuse of the word sorry. I realize every one of us do it. But it is worth taking the time to observe ourselves and realize just how often we say “I’m sorry,” when there is nothing at all to be sorry for. It’s important because you want to be a person who when you say “I’m sorry,” you mean it.

Then there is the person who doesn’t say “I’m sorry.” As many times as they do something that warrants an apology, they will not. Whether they are purposely not saying it or have just developed the habit of not saying it, the result of refraining from saying “I’m sorry” has the same affect.  Even if you ARE sorry and act accordingly, it’s very important to work on saying the words.  It matters.

It’s better to have someone who takes action to repent but not apologize than someone who says they’re sorry but never makes the necessary changes.  But if you are a person who does not say the words, then you have to get in the habit of doing so.  It matters to the person you have offended to experience both the words “I’m sorry” and the actions to repent. Sincere apologies are an important vehicle for building trust.

Start now, today, examining your life in the “I’m sorry” department. How often or little do you say it?  When you do say it, do you mean it?  What is your track record of proving your sorrow after telling someone you are sorry?  How can someone know you are sorry?

This has to with sincerity.  Are you a sincere person?  Can your “I’m sorry” be trusted?  Ponder this and how this applies to your own life.

Sincere apologies, an effort toward reparation, and sincere forgiveness builds trust. Trust creates the foundation of true love.

Trust in relationships is not about an absolute arrival at trustworthiness, is about the building and rebuilding of trust via humility and acts of forgiveness. No one is perfect, and becoming a truly sincere person of sorrow takes time and practice.

We must always work on maintaining our trustworthiness. Apologizing with true contrition and a spirit of reparation is a gesture of restoring or proving how trustworthy we are.

Love between a man and a woman is one of the most beautiful things in the world. But what happens when the love with that person becomes the most important thing in your life?

There is nothing more natural than wanting to be loved. We need it. We need it from our parents and family as we grow up, and we need it as we interact socially as adults.

We all have a fundamental desire to be loved by at least one person who knows us and fulfills our every personal need. And with marital love, there is the additional need to be physically intimate to express love.

Though this need to be loved in every way (emotionally, affectionately, physically, spiritually) is completely natural, it also poses a danger to our eternal salvation that must be considered. That danger is attachment to the person or persons who love us and whom we love.

What is wrong we being attached to someone you love? Doesn’t attachment come with the territory of love? Yes and no. Yes, you become attached to someone you love in a way you cannot help, which compels a real commitment to that person, not easily broken. To call someone “friend” assumes a promise to have a dedication to that person because of who they are and your decision to love them.

For those who have experience attachment to someone in love that lasts a lifetime, there is a fulfillment in this world that is a gift. Not too many find it. The reality is that human relationships can end, regardless of the intention to love each other no matter what and for life. Friendships end, engagements are broken, marriages go through separation or divorce.

Everyone in any relationship assumes that it will never die. No one enters into a marriage thinking anything other than they are going to be one of the fortunate ones that make it until death. But when there is an end to a relationship, there is often a certain level of death inside, sometimes known as a broken heart.

Everyone experiences love uniquely to themselves. Therefore, no one can know for certain how another person will grow in love or handle the end of love. No matter how love is handled in good times or bad times, attachment to the person is the reason for the things we do in the name of love or the end of love with that person.

In this sense, attachment is dangerous. When we rely too much on the love of someone, we not only risk getting hurt by them (obviously and understandably), but we also may have gone too far and deified that person. In other words, we just might have made this person our god and savior. This person is now the pinnacle of our existence, with nothing or no one above them.

To assign another human being that much importance in our life, to the point of having no one else above them, is to set yourself up for disaster.

Have you gotten too attached to the person you love? Perhaps you have. In one sense, how can you help it? You love them so intensely, so deeply, so completely, you cannot imagine your life without them. This is beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But you have to pay attention to that part where you feel you something like not being able to live without the person.

Life is a gift from God. It is God who is to be our God, and the primary person of our affection. He made you out of nothing. He loves you more than any human being could possibly love you. He desires you to be with Him for all eternity, providing you His love and grace through your entire life in order to accomplish this purpose.

Who in this world can be more important than God? Who has a right to your love above your Creator and Father in Heaven? You will emphatically tell me “No one!”, and mean it. I believe you. Why shouldn’t I? I think everyone who believes in God believes they love God above all things.

But in practice, I think all of us are susceptible to self-deception when it comes to the place of God verses the place of our husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, best friend, parent, sibling, etc. Our affections toward certain human beings we love are powerful. And the power of love shared by two human beings has a way influencing the place of God. Thus human persons replaces the Divine Person as the one we love most.

Have you ever broken down and cried when you committed a sin or while in Confession? Most do not. But many tears are shed when a spouse dies or the person you date breaks up with you. It’s painful to suffer the loss of human love, but doesn’t seem too painful to suffer the loss of friendship with God in sin.

This is not proof that we don’t love God above all, but it should make us think. And we should never cease asking as we examine our consciences if we have put the person we love before God.

What happens inside is very telling. And we should pay attention to it. Does the love we have for another make us think, do, or feel something that is not in accordance with God’s will? Are my reactions and emotions toward a person I love out of context to God’s plan or the teachings of the Church?

If we are honest about our examination and do it in the light of Jesus Christ, we just might have an inappropriate attachment to someone. What would make it inappropriate? If the love we have for that person influences us to think or act in a way that is contrary to God’s will and the natural order created by God. Or if we do something associated with that loved one with a selfish motive, rather than motivated by love for God.

Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments,” “love others as I have loved you,” “no greater love does one have than to lay down his life for a friend.” Obeying God, serving others, putting another’s need before our own, sacrificing for another even to the point of death for their sake. These are ways we love God before any human person.

You must learn detachment. The person you date and marry already has a God. They need only a suitable partner in love to share and help each other on the path toward that same God. Do not get so attached to that love that you lose yourself without that person.

God and His love can never be lost to us. God alone quenches love’s thirst. Human beings can only love as they are living Christ’s love. But human love fails. And human affection cannot be preferred to doing God’s will. Love God first, and human love will flow proportionally and without contradiction to the love of God.

Enjoy the human love relationships God provides in your life. But never expect any human being to fulfill your desire for love and to be loved. Only God can do that. As St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless till they rest in Thee.”

If you don’t know the power of a hug, then you are probably not having much success in your relationships.

To hug is to heal. To be hugged is to be healed. To not hug is to deprive.

I am not exaggerating when I say that hugs have the power to convert. A person having the worst day of their lives can be instantly restored to peace and contentment when they receive a hug from one who loves and cares for them. A miserable person can muster up a smile when they are hugged with love and sincerity.

People who do not get hugged often are at risk of becoming miserable people. A hugless existence is a deprived existence. The hugless come to fear the world and become defensive, suspicious, frightened people.

To be hugged is to know that everything is going to be okay. A great hug from one who loves you makes you feel as if all the cares of the world melt away.

What is it about a hug that gives it that much power?

Couples who argue need to learn how to recognize when a hug is in order. Many harmful fights could easily be nipped in the bud or avoided all together if one would have reached out and hugged the other.

A good hugger is an observant person. They recognize when a hug is needed. They can see past the outward antagonism and courageously approach the person. A hug can defuse the bomb that was trying to go off.

Hugging is proactive and heroic. It takes courage and humility to offer a hug, especially when it might not seem desired or if you don’t feel like it.

A good hugger loves to offer hugs even when they don’t seem to be needed. They know that everyone can use a hug. You don’t have to wait until there is a reason to hug.

Who doesn’t need a hug? We all do. If there were more hugging and less talking, people would be much more pleasant and balanced.

Hugs can be enough. They can still off passions from arousing in two people who are dating. Hugs are a strong sign of affection that an unmarried couple growing in love need and which can help prevent unchaste signs of affection meant for marriage. Hugs are enough because they make the other feel loved and make the growing bond stronger, all in a chaste way.

Hug for God’s sake. The embrace of Jesus Christ most present to us through another human being is the hug. When those are arms wrap around you and you are pressed close to the hugger with sincerity and caring, you experience the feeling of the love of God.

One of my favorite pictures of Jesus is the one where you see Jesus fully embracing the person with a major hug. Jesus’ eyes are closed and He is smiling big. He is clearly sincerely happy to be with that person. His hug is full of welcome and unconditional love. You just know that no matter what the person has done, Jesus loves the person. Period.

What a gift we all have to give to another, especially the people we love. It costs nothing to obtain nor to give, but what it accomplishes is priceless and greater than anything that could be bought and given.

What an opportunity we all have! Any person with a pair of arms and generosity in their hearts can give this tremendous gift to another person. No one can claim ignorance of not knowing what to do for someone in need. A hug can be given, and it is much.

Do we even realize how much a hug is worth to another? Ask anyone who is hugged what it is worth and they will tell you it means the world. Ask anyone who gives hugs and they will tell you it serves them just as much as it serves the one they hug. For a hug has an affect on both simultaneously.

There is no such thing as a one-dimensional hug. No one can hug with only the one being hugged benefiting. The hugger cannot help but be affected. At the very least, they are closer to God who transmits love through the hugger to the person hugged.

I grew up in a hugging environment. Italians are big on hugging, so I am a hugger, and have no problem hugging a complete stranger. There is something about hugging that makes people feel immediately welcomed.

There are people who do not like to be touched at all, and therefore find being hugged uncomfortable or offensive. They are also very likely not huggers themselves. I don’t pass any judgment on them, but I do feel sad for those who dismiss hugging as something not too important in the scheme of relationships.

I can only challenge people to try it. Become a hugger and see what happens. This includes your dating experiences. Hug the people you date as you date them. You will find less of a need to act on sexual impulses. But you will also find that mutual hugging to be quite the method of growing in love for one another. You will grow to realize just how much you depend on those hugs to heal each other, thus learning one major aspect of how you can serve each other as Christ to one another.

You should also practice hugging when you have conflict. You will learn more and more how to address what is wrong not by battling things out in words, but by defusing the mounting negative emotions by hug communication.

It is so true that sometimes a person just needs to be hugged when they are upset, not battled or pressed on how to solve the problem or talked to in a patronizing way. Just hug them and without words show them that it will be okay.

If you are not a hugger, you need to become one. Hugging is a love requirement. You cannot survive marriage without giving and receiving hugs. Best to learn the art of hugging before you are a married person so you are ready for the great mission of healing, being Jesus Christ to your spouse via your loving and sincere embrace.

If you are already married, then it’s never too late. Just start hugging. And don’t worry about being hugged. Though you need hugs too, start by being a hugger. Chances are good your spouse will quickly start wanting to hug you.

Finally, no matter what relationships you have, don’t be afraid to ask for a hug from someone you need it from. It is highly unlikely that person will deny you your request. And the dividends paid by your courageous decision to ask for a hug are astronomical.

Everyone can use a hug. Just give it them. When in in doubt about what to do for a troubled person, give them a hug. Don’t be afraid to hug. It is one of most important medicinal forces we have this side of heaven that can fulfill the Lord’s command to “love one another as I have loved you.”

So just how selfish of a person are you? Answer: Very. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. We all are.

Without a realization and admission of selfishness in your life, you lack the true charity required to successfully live out marital love. Therefore, your dating efforts are extremely risky.

I say “true charity” because there is an excessive, and an all too often undetected, amount of false charity. Many believe this is a well developed virtue of charity, when it is actually selfishness. This false sense of charity is the cause of many breakups of couples who are otherwise perfectly fine together.

Most love in dating and courtship starts with the feelings of love. We are happy to do things that benefit you or make you feel loved, as long as I am happy to do it and get something in return.

Charity is necessary for authentic love to be lived out. Love is sacrificial, stemming from will, and requiring actions purely for the benefit of another. But it is also stems from feelings and emotions that assist the will to be more readily willing to give to the other, while at the same time gaining benefit for the self.

A sacrifice, by definition, cannot include a personal benefit to self. It is a pure action toward the benefit of another, with nothing in it for yourself, and typically accompanying some kind of suffering (which, by definition, is a negative thing).

Charity is sacrifice. Voluntary sacrifice, to be exact. True charity is selfless, therefore, often painful or difficult, but it is also a deliberate decision. You have a choice, and the recipient of the charity is not entitled to your charitable act.

Charity is not a man holding the door open for a woman. That’s just courtesy and gentlemanly behavior, which fosters development of charity. Charity is not taking your sick child to the emergency room at 3:00am. That is sacrificial and does not feel good, for sure, and does come close to charity, but duty requires you to act in this situation. To do it is expected, and to not act is a sin, as well as harmful to the sick child.

Giving a drunk friend the only cash you have to get home for his cab fare to get safely home is charity. Tolerating an irritable boyfriend or girlfriend while on a date without letting it annoy you because of the time you set aside for it and the money you are spending, but rather being sincerely patient and accepting is charity. Giving up your night out with friends, which you were looking forward to, in order to stay home with your spouse who had a bad day and needs comforting, is charity.

Charity does not have to be on a “save the world” scale, as you can see by these examples. In fact, charity is most often in the little things. They are the every day opportunities presented to us by God through the people in our lives. These little acts of charity, done without resentment, develop the habit of sacrificial love which preps the person for larger acts of charity. The action was not required, but knowing it benefits another, you decide to do it. Voluntarily. Without any benefit to yourself.

The misconception about charity, especially for people claiming pious religious practice, is that we must be feel happy about the act of charity and display that outwardly. No! To have charity does not require it is accompanied by feelings of delight and enthusiasm, with all smiles and gladness. Charity is sacrifice. It accomplishes the goal of the selfless act intended, despite any feeling about it.

But charity done with joy gives the act more power, specifically to convert another. People are affected by witnessing someone doing charitable acts with joy. Because joy in sacrifice goes against nature. This is where love is not enough. Charity matters to prove authentic love is alive. Typical romantic love is selfish because there is pleasure in the acts of love, and often pleasant actions are returned from the beloved. True charity, done with joy, provides a benefit to the other and a peace within the giver because they have chosen to do something selfless for God’s sake.

This is the secret of true charity; namely, that it is done for love of God alone. God calls us to love our neighbor, love our enemy, do good to those who persecute or hate you, love as Jesus loved. Perhaps there is a selfishness in true charity if you consider that you want to please God in your action. If that is your desire, then please God, let there be more selfishness like this in the world!

The act of love that hurts, that truly sacrifices something, that is done voluntarily, and finds pleasure in the sacrifice because of the knowledge of pleasing God in the process, is true charity. True charity has unlimited power to produce grace in others that are directly or indirectly affected by the act done with joy.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta is a shining example. The beam on her face as she picked up the downtrodden of the streets and lived a life of poverty is the essence of charity.

But marriage itself is a form of charity. Think about it. If entered correctly, there is a desire to serve the other out of love for them, in the name of love for God. Often, love demands service regardless of whether love is returned. That is charity. This kind of love can endure for life when we know that the affection we all desire comes from Christ, Who showers us with affectionate grace when human affection is wanting.

Those who are dating need to develop an awareness and be conscious of charity in action with those they date, and how they themselves are charitable as they date others. The distraction of romantic love very strong. This love is not enough. There is still too much of a “what’s in it for me” reality to this kind of love. Learn how to step back and observe little acts of charity from your prospects for marriage, and reflect on your post-date acts of charity. Have you both been a witness to Christ in true charity? Do you display a genuine concern for the other’s well-being first before your own selfish desires?

You should want to be someone your future spouse can feel safe with, knowing that their happiness is your happiness. You should want someone who feels the same about your happiness. False charity would pit you both against each other to see who can be more charitable, and cause problems that can kill an otherwise wonderful, and God-intended union. False charity is a selfish desire to do good for the other, and resents when not able to do so and in the manner desired.

True charity is detached from any pleasure in doing what is beneficial for another. It’s voluntary. It doesn’t count costs. It accepts what is painful. Live true charity. Then you will be living true love that makes for successful marriage.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated. It is not rude. It does not seek its own interests. It is not quick-tempered. It does not brood over injury. It does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
These are the words of St. Paul in 1 Corinthians. They are the very embodiment of charity.

This is the time of year when Christians are most focused on the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Reflection on the Holy Family is more than just the Nativity scene. Naturally, Christmas focuses on the birth of the Saviour, and Mary and Joseph play key roles in this most important event. The Child born in Bethlehem in a stable is, no doubt, what Christmas is all about.

But there is a reason the Church incorporates a feast day of the Holy Family within the days of Christmas. There is much to reflect on in addition to the historic event of Jesus’ birth. The Church wants us to have this opportunity.

For singles, the Holy Family represents what they hope to have in their own lives; a loving, caring spouse and children. Holy means to be set apart. They are the “Holy” Family because of the unique purpose each was called to do together. What can we learn from the Holy Family as we endeavor to be married and have a family?

Consider the parenting of Mary and Joseph, and the environment they created for their Child to be raised in.

Just as Jesus had no need of baptism, yet allowed himself to be baptized as an example to us, He had no need to be formed as a person by His earthly parents, yet submitted Himself to them in all things. It is in this submission to Mary and Joseph that He was full prepared for His mission of saving the world.

We start out as an infant and are completely at the mercy of our parents to form us into the person we were created to be. Without good parenting, we are at risk of NOT becoming who we were meant to be, but rather some distorted version of that person. Thus, if we are neglected, abused, unloved, poorly educated, misguided, or many other things that fall under bad parenting, we do not turn out to be what society would call a “good person,” nor what the Church would call a “Christian.”

Parenting matters in the formation of every child to becoming a healthy, virtuous, civil adult of good character. The parents we have and the environment we grow up in play major roles in our becoming the person we are as an adult.

Therefore, it is no small matter to choose a spouse whom we believe will make a good parent, and who desires to establish a home environment that will give children the best opportunity to become the person they are each created to be by God. And you should be this person, too, for it is the kind of person your future spouse is seeking.

Here is where we can turn to the Holy Family for a universal example. The home of Jesus, Mary and Joseph was a peaceful, harmonious home, full of joy and simplicity of life. It was a stable environment, where mutual love and respect was a priority. Jesus was taught normal things and guided by His mother and father. His human will was developed to confirm with God’s will. There was no place for anger, aggression, and dominance of one over another in their home. Jesus was able to grow up with real freedom of self-discovery.

Jesus had two parents who were on the same page. They both loved God and their religion was central to their lives. The teachings of their religion governed their daily actions. They taught their son to love God and follow the teachings of their faith. Mary and Joseph were consistent and without controversy when it came to everything important. Therefore, a husband and wife should be striving after these same things.

It is important to find someone who believes in peace and is a person of good will. It is so critical to a happy and healthy home. It’s critical to authentic love, which should always (and I mean always) be seeking peace and resolve. A person of good will has the other’s best interest in mind. Even if there are times of conflict, the end result should be a desire to make peace. The home should be where love and forgiveness are lived.

From the environment of peace and good will comes well adjusted children who make the transition into adulthood with a firm sense of who they are, and the confidence to seek out what it is they are to do. They were free to become the person they were created to be. Their parents did not try to control them in their transition, but guided them through with the freedom to discover themselves.

The environment a couple raises their children in influences who they become. It’s a concerning thing to see households where everyone is so busy “doing,” and parents who have their children busy achieving and participating. It is an environment that is fast paced and cluttered with activity, anxiety, pressure, excessive entertainment, etc. There is a place for these things, but we must be careful about the home environment being counter-productive.

We don’t know if Jesus was ever on the honor role, or won awards in athletics, etc. But we do know He led a humble, simple, and predictable life obedient to Mary and Joseph. The message seems to be that what is important in the vocation to marriage and life as a family is simplicity, and is very attainable for all. It is a serenity that comes from within with God at the heart.

Above all, the Holy Family prayed. Therefore, a couple should be praying for each other, as well as with each other. Without this cornerstone, the entire structure falls. Those who believe in peace and are people of good will are definitely people of prayer. So make sure you consider the prayer life of the person you are considering for marriage.

St. Augustine defined peace as “the tranquility of order.” To have an ordered life with God as the head and center of all things will ensure the peace that is so critical to living the meaning of Christmas all year round.

May the peace and good will that was at the heart of the life of the Holy Family be the priority of all who seek love, marriage, and family life.

“With the Lord, there is mercy and fullness of redemption.” This responsorial psalm is derived from Psalm 130, which has the trembling words “If Thou, O Lord, should mark iniquities, who could stand?” In other words, if You keep a record of sins, who could ever make it to heaven?

How true. We are committed to not sinning, yet we sin. God is first merciful because we all sin, despite our desire and efforts not to. We don’t deserve His mercy, but He grants it freely and always. We don’t deserve redemption, but God desires us to be redeemed.

God’s foremost posture with us is mercy.

As a Christian, I am mandated to be the same. I must insert myself in these words of the Psalm, so that it can be said by anyone about me: “With Anthony, there is mercy and fullness of redemption.” And so must all of you. Can you honestly say “everyone finds mercy with me?”

What is true love or deep friendship between two people if there is not foremost a posture of mercy between them? It is a house of straw. When the Big Bad Wolf comes along, he need only blow it down to get to the three little pigs. So it is with couples or friends who have problems and allow the strong winds that shake their relationship to tear down the home they have built.

In my view, the idea of being home is the essence of what love is. This is why you feel you are home as long as you are with the person you love, no matter where you both are. Or why you long to get back to that person when you are apart from them. That is home.

This sense of home is one of profound safety, warmth, comfort, and peace. It is a firm knowledge that no effort of the Big Bad Wolf can blow down your house. Your whole being rests because no matter what happens, the foundation of the home is mercy and forgiveness. Your human condition to fail is accepted and welcome.

Isn’t this ultimately what heaven is to be? Heaven is our only true and lasting home. Our time on this earth is a brief one, but it requires us having opportunity to experience this eternal home while in this world in order to help us be fashioned into the saints we are to become.

Our entire life on earth is as a sinner trying to become a saint. But too many people want us to be saints at all times without much (if any) room for failure. For many who are dating and seeking the right person, they seem to always come up short because ultimately, they discover that the people they date are flawed or have too much potential to hurt them.

God, of course, is the only one who can fulfill this high expectation. God is pure love and incapable of anything that is not good for us. Yet, we still foolishly pursue finding in another person what only God can give. God is home. With Him you find complete safety, security, warmth, welcome, comfort and peace. With human beings, not so much.

However, we are called to be like God, and we are provided the grace to do so. Unfortunately, I think too many take this call to mean that we must never sin. It’s clear that God is realistic about us and knows we will and do sin, or else Jesus would never have bothered instituting the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation. When we go to Confession, our sins are obliterated and we are given a clean slate.

How many of us can say we do that for those who hurt us? That we are so like God that we provide mercy to all who wrong us? This is the aspect of being like God that is much more attainable to us than the living without sin. Being merciful to others.

Jesus taught us to ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. In other words, don’t bother forgiving me, Lord, until I first forgive others. He also taught us in the Beatitudes that “blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

It is mercy that is the heart of the law of love, because it is the heart of God’s essence. Essentially, God loves us so much that He welcomes us home, just as Jesus taught with the Prodigal Son.

Home is where the heart is. That saying is correct. I would specific that it is where the Heart of Christ is. As we fuse our heart to the Heart of Christ, we live a love that makes us attractive, welcoming, home.

The misunderstanding about modern dating and those who seek to find love is that people want to find someone who makes them feel good and never hurts them. The truth is they are seeking to find home; a place where they can be who they are and not have to worry about their inevitable moments of failure and sin. They want to find that love of God in the person they desire to give themselves to.

Sadly, because they cannot find someone who is first merciful, they cannot find home, and they settle for what they can get in all manner of distorted views of love. Thus, we have a disaster of bad relationships, bad marriages, bad friendships.

Every person deserves a good home. When they fall or sin or hurt someone, they need mercy though they may not deserve it. In the second part of this reflection on what it means to be merciful in relationships, I will address the problem of being too hurt to be merciful and be that home, the harm that comes from rejecting the call to mercy, and how this ultimately applies to finding and living true love.

In the meantime, meditate on the words of the Psalm, “With the Lord, there is mercy and fullness of redemption” and where it says “the Lord” insert your own name, and consider with Jesus how true this is when it comes to your dealings with others.