Category Archives: Marriage

I have to laugh a bit as I write this article responding to the feedback of last week’s article, responding to a previous article, responding to the feedback from a previous article.

I received many requests for a dating job description for women. I believe this was addressed in the “Finding a good woman: from God’s point of view” article, which focuses on what the Bible states makes up a good wife as mentioned in Sirach 26. The list I made for men who are dating is actually very attainable if they decide these are truths as to what a man should be and do as they are dating a woman and want love and marriage. The list in Sirach is also very attainable for women of truth.

You’ve seen what the Bible outlines about how a wife should be. Let’s give you a good laugh and show you what Housekeeping Monthly magazine says you should be. Here is a list called “The Good Wife’s Guide” as published in 1955:

1. Have dinner ready. Have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.
3. Be a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.
5. Help him unwind. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
7. Encourage the children to be quiet.
8. Be happy to see him.
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
11. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
12. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work. Make him comfortable.
13. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
14. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
15. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

This list for women is hilarious and certainly dated. Some would say that this is a recipe for being a doormat and has only encouraged women to be taken advantage of by abusive men.

But before you roll your eyes and dismiss this list completely, consider that this is how women lived for generations. There are some fundamental principles that do apply to a God inspired, truth seeking woman who wants marriage in this day and age. If you think closely about this list, it is role-driven. All fifteen items are tasks, with the conclusion that a wife knows her place. The husband is the master of the home, the wife is the subordinate.

Marriage does require a man and woman having and fulfilling roles and duties. These roles and duties serve each other and the family. If the motive is service to and happiness of the other, these roles and duties are effortless.

Perhaps what needs to be acknowledged by dating Christians is their need to know the qualities of a good spouse ahead of time and the ability to recognize them in yourself and the other.

For example, a man focused on marrying a woman who gives him visual and physical pleasure, or a woman who wants to get married before it’s too late to have children, is going to distort the ability to know and recognize the more important things that makes for marital love and unity.

This is not to discount a man’s desire for physical attraction in a woman or a woman’s desire to have children. These are perfectly natural things. However, it is risky to prioritize them and discount the more important things.

While you are dating, you need to see the person interact with you and see proof that they are striving to become who they are called to be. It is the desire to be a good person that makes up much of the belief that they will be a good spouse.

Men who work all day come home tired. A woman who is a homemaker works hard all day, tends to the kids, prepares dinner, and is also tired. Who is the one who is the priority to be taken care of? Should the wife make sure the house is quiet so her husband has time to unwind? Or should a man take over when he gets home and give his wife a much needed break?

It’s all in the attitude. Men should take a minute to prepare before getting home by getting calm, putting work matters aside, and reconfigure to his family. If he has kids, he has to know they are going to want to jump all over him when he arrives. So prepare for the noise. Women, don’t say you are off the clock as soon as he walks in. That stresses him out and makes matters worse.

If two people are in love, they desire to serve each other. This is a very important thing to recognize in order to decide if you should get married. Do they allow pressures, stresses, concerns, desires, wants, needs, etc., to take the priority and make you feel guilty for anything you are going through? Or does he or she rise above those things in order to help you and show interest in knowing how they can make you happier?

There is no need to become a doormat for the other and allow the relationship to be one-sided in the efforts to serve. That is no good. But considering what the roles and duties are of a man and woman, of husband and wife, of mother and father, should absolutely be a part of the dating process. Do not marry someone who has not proved their quality during the dating process as it pertains to their roles as men and women, as husbands and wives.

New York’s legalization of gay marriage certainly has many people upset.

I was recently interviewed on a radio program, and a caller starting talking about gay marriage with great anger and wanted to know what I thought of New York’s action.

What can one really say about gay marriage that is not already known? We explain what the natural law and Christian doctrine equally teach about what marriage is and how homosexuals can never, by definition, be married. Yet, legalized gay marriage is happening at the state level. Are we really so surprised? What can be more obvious to any human being alive that the pregnancy in a woman is actually a human being who has a right to life. Yet, we’ve had national legalized abortion for over thirty years.

Many things are being legalized and accepted in this country, and in fact all over the world, that are immoral. But you are dealing with people who don’t think “morality.” I wonder if they think at all. There is nothing natural or moral about a man’s genitalia being inserted in an anus (male or female) for sexual pleasure. A man should never make his wife do this, and it goes without saying that two men doing this is immoral. I fear that perhaps legislators are either paid off handsomely to ignore what is morally right and do what is selfishly profitable, or they can relate to homosexuals because they have or want such sexual activities with a woman. Whatever the reason, they will not be persuaded by logic, reason, or religious principles.

Homosexuals want their relationships to be recognized legally. They want their immoral and unnatural sexual activity to be “above board”. Legislators, who are supposed to be representing public opinion, are basically saying we all are to accept the perversion of sexuality.

Is there really a common desire to pursue truth with these people that make us capable of arguing and teaching our way to correcting these problems? Sometimes I wonder if Christians have forgotten that there are some evils that are beyond our efforts to speak out or to take action against.

St. Matthew and St. Mark both give the account of the father whose son is possessed by a devil. The father calls out to the Lord to have pity because his son is a lunatic who throws himself into fire and water. Jesus is disturbed that his disciples lacked the faith to drive out this devil. They ask why they could not drive it out. Jesus says “Because of your unbelief”; that faith as a grain of mustard seed can do the impossible. “But this kind is not cast out but by prayer and fasting.”

If anything fits into this category it is the insanity of legalized immoralities such as abortion and gay marriage.

Perhaps it is the internal moral decay of this nation (and this world) that is the cause of these things. It is possible for God to hold back His grace in the face of so much defiance and sin. But perhaps it is the unbelief and lack of prayer and fasting of those of us who profess to be Christian that explains legalized gay marriage and abortion.

Whatever the cause, we need some serious prayer and fasting efforts.

St. Augustine watched as his beloved Roman civilization fell primarily from the same kind of internal moral corruption our country has adopted. As brilliant as he was, he was not able to convince the powers that be to turn from their evil direction. There was no universal call of the Church for prayer or fasting for Rome. And there was no Rosary at that time.

Contrast that to Pope Pius V, who called on every Christian to pray the Rosary during the 16th century Turkish invasion that threatened Christianity itself. He believed only Our Lady’s intercession could bring about that victory.

Christians should be praying the Rosary and fasting extensively. Above all, they should really “believe” in God, with a great faith. The more who are doing this (truly, if the entire Christian world were doing this), it can be the most effective way to end these abominations. We have to at least start with ourselves. Our Rosaries and fasts will help some.

Now I would like to offer something to think about (and it is just a theory) as to why legalized gay marriage is happening.

I wonder if the ever rising priority of romantic love is responsible for this. “We love each other” is the reason homosexuals believe they have a right to get married. Heterosexuals marry for romantic love, so why shouldn’t a gay couple? States in America are agreeing with them. Why? Because marriage seems to have become about the affect aspect of love (feelings, attraction, sexual desire).

This is where, for heterosexuals, the purpose of marriage it is supposed to be about much more. Infallible Catholic teaching (via Canon Law) states that the purpose of marriage is for the mutual love of the spouses AND the procreation and education of children. A couple is to vow permanence, fidelity, and to being open to life.

This is heart of marital love; the establishment of a safe and loving environment for the children that come from their union. A gay couple can have strong feelings and desires for each other, and even make a life long commitment to each other, but they absolutely cannot have natural children.

The purpose of sexual impulse and attraction is to lead two people to first a life long commitment to each other, and then the establishment of a family though their generosity of being open to new life; the very external sign of their love.

From this focus on just the feelings and desires of the passions has come the use of contraception. The 20th century saw a major shift from this kind of responsible love and purpose of marriage, to a self-centered love that focuses solely on pleasure. The use of contraception has changed the game. It has taken children out of the equation. Couples enter into marriage wanting to use contraception, even Catholics, thinking it is okay to put off being open to children so they can “get to know each other.”

In my view, the contraceptive mentality and over-emphasized romantic love have paved the way for legalized gay marriage. But the feelings of love is not enough to ensure a capability to fulfill marriage vows of permanence, fidelity and being open to life. There is a need for the return of responsible love and marriage that is family-centered to de-throne pleasure-centered love that blocks life through contraception.

Rosary prayer warriors, dedicated fastors, devoted Eucharistic adorers are needed, in my view, to provide the real fire power to end anything opposed to love and marriage as God has designed it.

It is a nightly ritual in my house that I read a story to my two youngest girls and then a story to my four boys. We all look forward to this very much. So between 7:00 to 8:00 pm, it’s story time. The girls love the fairy tales or things like the Beezus and Ramona series. The boys like the classic adventure and fantasy stories.

When we don’t have the usual time for the story we are reading, I will read a short story of some kind, like classic mythology. Recently, we had a short story evening and I read a myth called “Baucis and Philemon.” I’m sure many of you know this myth about this elderly couple named Baucis and Philemon who are visited by the Gods Jupiter and Mercury, who were trying to discover if the rumors of the cruel treatment of strangers were true.

The love of this couple is very striking and I would like to share with you segments of this very brief story, and then expound on it a bit. It’s actually quite a tear-jerker.

Jupiter and Mercury disguised themselves as weary travelers and knocked on many doors of this village, only to be turned away and treated rudely by all except for the elderly couple, Baucis and Philemon. They reached the “very humble cottage” of the elderly couple, which was very small and ordinary, with “precious little property within the posts of its fence.” The couple is described as follows:

“They were very, very poor, but also very contented and happy. Their cottage was separate from the village, just as they were, for in spite of their poverty, they never turned any stranger from their door nor failed to offer anyone in need what little they had for themselves. They had married young and they had grown old together in that very cottage. Throughout their lives they retained their steadfast love and admiration for each other, such that neither was a master or a servant in their home – they were equally masters and servants together.”

Jupiter and Mercury are taken in by the couple and are provided with a modest meal of olives, a few grapes, bread and milk with sweet honey. As the milk pitcher was always full despite all the drinking, the couple realizes these are not ordinary strangers, “but they were too polite to question them about the miracles.” The strangers are offered the bed of the couple, while they slept on the hard floor.

The next day, the gods reveal their identity. Startled, the couple drop to their knees in fear before them. Jupiter commands them to rise and comforts them for what they have done. He shows them what he has done to the rest of the village in punishment. They were the only people left in the village. In place of their humble cottage, Jupiter builds a temple of gold with beautiful gardens. He then asks the couple to tell him what they most desire so he can grant it to them.

Here is where it gets even more beautiful and astonishing:

“But we have our love for each other, and we’re already perfectly happy, so what more could we want?” says Philemon (the husband). Jupiter insisted; and after the couple discussed it further, they said: “Though we are happy, yet we are old and must expect someday to be parted from each other. Is it too much to ask, gracious lord, that we be allowed to be guardians of your beautiful temple, and when it comes our time to leave this world for the Land of Shades, that we may die in the same hour, still full of love as we have ever been, and depart this life together?”

Jupiter quickly replied, “It shall be just as you ask. You shall dwell together for many more happy years and your hearts shall always remain young and full of love; and when death shall come at last – as come it must – you shall depart together to the Land of Shades.”

Oh my goodness, how beautiful is that? But if you can believe it, there is more:

“So Baucis and Philemon grew very, very old, serving Jupiter all the while by welcoming every weary wayfarer and by feeding every poor beggar who came past that way. And so full of love were they for each other that in the eyes of Philemon, Baucis was still as beautiful as she was in her youth, and in the eyes of Baucis, Philemon was still as handsome as when he had fist wooed her so many years ago.”

Wooed! Who uses that word anymore? But they should. And how romantic that these very old people have a love so deep that they still look upon each other with youthful attraction, not out of courtesy nor necessity, but genuinely. But there is still more. Are you ready for this?:

“And then, at last, sitting side by side at the temple door at sunset, they passed from this mortal world at the same time, and Mercury, the messenger of the gods, conducted their gentle spirits to the Land of Shades. In their place, on either side of the temple door, rose an oak tree and a linden, their branches intertwined as though they were whispering loving secrets to each other. The people of the area still point out the place where the trees stand, side by side, forever intertwined, and they call them Baucis and Philemon.”

As romantic as all get out, no? Yes! What poetry! And what an image. Their branches intertwined as though whispering loving secrets to each other. My word, that is so beautiful. And what a testimonial of love, that it can be compared as two trees so intertwined that they are inseparable forever.

This myth speaks for itself as to what true love really is, and how beautiful marriage can be, where both are masters and servants of each other for the sake of the other. Where they live a content life of togetherness regardless of possessions, entertainment, or events; where mutual love and admiration is central; where a quiet and peaceful coexistence has value and meaning, like tea leaves slowly and quietly steeping with hot water to create something that is so unique that it has its own name.

I don’t know the details of how Philemon wooed Baucis, nor how they came to know such devotion to each other and importance to have each other’s company, nor what it was about the other that could have been so attractive. But one thing seems evidently clear; their love was founded on mutual respect, self-giving, love of life, and charity toward others. They lived outside of themselves, and they both found someone who wanted to give of themselves to one person for the other’s sake.

May we all find such a love that when both are old and gray, there is genuine youthful beauty still observed by the eye and within the heart.

My son’s high school is ambitiously attempting to perform “Fiddler on the Roof” for the school play. In preparation for tryouts, we watched the film as a family. It was the first time for all the kids and they loved it. The story brilliantly shows how the story of love for each couple can vary greatly, but still accomplishes the end goal.

The end goal is a good match of two people who can successfully live out the vocation to marriage. The film is constantly bringing out the question of whether or not the two people are a good match. Those trying to play matchmaker are considering traditional elements of the practical life in marriage, whereas the young people considering their future are concerned with love as their bedrock for marriage.

In my opinion, the most important scene of the story is where the question of love is considered when it comes to the marriage of the parents. “Do you love me?” Tevye asks his wife, Golde. She is shocked by the question and attempts to avoid it. He persists, and she seems disturbed by the pursuit, as if to indicate that it is a dumb question and wants to forget about it and move on with preparations for the Sabbath.

Very, very interesting and observant commentary by the writer to explore this question for this couple married for 25 years and living life the exact same way every day. Are there really couples like this? Can you be married for 25 years and all of a sudden wonder if there is love? The answer is a resounding “yes.” When you have been busy for 25 years raising children, working hard to provide for and run a home, and all the surprises that life brings, you most certainly can have moments where you wonder where your relationship is.

The question of Tevye does not imply that he is worried or has any security issues about his marriage. He is clearly married to this woman, and she is his life just as he is her life. They both know that without question. “Do you love me?” asks if they are still connected; a team; that they “want” to be with each other, not just “have” to; that should there be a disruption in their relationship, both would be affected. Very simply, he wants to know if they both still choose each other, despite their financial condition, any personal faults or weaknesses, and anything the other has said or done.

Golde’s reply and how the couple ends the scene is something I believe most people today would at least secretly say, “There is no way I want that for me. I would rather be alone.” Why? Because Golde finally replies that for 25 years she has lived with him, cooked for him, cleaned for him, struggled in daily life with him, tolerated and put up with him, and raised 5 daughters with him; so she says yes, she loves him. For many people, this is a very unappealing depiction of what marriage is, and would ask “is that all there is?” Sometimes I wonder what Tevye and Golde would say if we could ask them if they would want their relationship to be more than this; if they would like to have those feelings of love they witness in their children’s relationships. I would bet they would say “yes,” but only in a casual way. The fact is, they are used to each other and used to their life. They are also set in their ways.

So they don’t have the blissful feelings of love their daughters have. Maybe they never did. Tevye admits that the first time he saw Golde was on his wedding day. How could they have those feelings? But does that mean they did not love each other for those 25 years? Absolutely not! Their love is real. It might not be ideal, but it is real.

Real marital love is first and foremost practical and with social purpose. God needs marriages for the greatest glorification we human beings can give Him, which is children. Children help form families that establish sound societies in this world, as well as populate Heaven. A very basic purpose for marriage. Add to this the practical element of the mutual help of the man and woman as partners and helpmates to each other. The stability of marital love helps the individual person live in peace and purpose.

Tevye and Golde lived this. They were committed to this purpose, along with the other ends of marriage, which are fidelity and permanence. They accepted their life together. They were not people who grew up with the concept of affectionate love, therefore were probably not comfortable with displaying their love in that way.

If blissful feelings accompany the practical elements of marital love, then all the better. But feelings come and go, and sometimes die. But true love does not. Am I against feelings and prioritizing feelings when it comes to discovering love? No. I think the feelings of being in love are like no other feelings. What I am saying is that the practical elements of marital love are a higher priority than the feelings. Knowing what true marital love is and requires, and action on that knowledge is much more important than feeling love and acting only if the feelings are there.

“Fiddler on the Roof” provides us with an insightful look at what true love is. Feelings of love do play an important role in drawing us into the mystery of love between a man and woman, but can deceive us just enough to lead us away from certain truths and realities if we are not careful.

Anyone can have a good, happy, loving marriage even if there are not the fireworks feelings that one or both might desire, as long as there is a mutual acceptance of what they have and a commitment to that reality. It might not be the ideal, but then again, what married couple is living the ideal? Living the vocation of marriage is not about the ideal, it is about the practical.

In fact, the lesson of the love that Jesus Christ has for us is that it is precisely when we do not have a good, warm, fuzzy feeling that the actions of love are proven. The security that marital love requires comes not from the ever fluctuating feelings of love, but from the steady living out of daily mutual self-donation. Our feelings of joy come from serving God in our vocation and the certitude of knowing we are where we are meant to be. God willing, the person you marry feels the same way and lives it. Then marriage is the best thing in the world.

Praise be to God for the romantic feelings that accompany the demands of unconditional marital love; may they remain always with a couple. But should they diminish or die, may God help us to realize that love is still there and to continue carrying out the mission of love.

I just came across this obituary of a married Catholic couple, Lou and Patricia DeMuro, who died on the same day after 62 years of marriage. It’s a real old-fashioned love story.

It is a very touching story. The simplicity in which this couple approached life and each other is inspiring. Their contentment with what life offered them admirable. This couple’s story should be what every person should be looking for when it comes to love and marriage. They offer two key ingredients to falling in love and a successful marriage; approaching life with simplicity and contentment.

Sadly, too many people complicate the process and get too demanding when it comes to their expectations of another person, making it almost impossible to find such love. The more qualifications necessary, the less likely to find happiness and share such a life.

It’s also important to realize that they had very humble beginnings and lived a humble life. They were not angry or frustrated about their financial situation. They were accepting of it, made do, and were thankful for their blessings. They were also very young. That helps too. When you marry young, it gives you more years together. And the more years you have living together in marriage, the less selfish you become.

But this couple have more to teach us about approaching love and marriage. They had an earnest desire to make each other happy and feel special. They did not take each other for granted. Let’s see how the reporter described their life from the research:

• Their life together had few frills but many laughs.
• They would sing the 1950s hit “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?”. They listened to the soundtracks from “South Pacific” and “Mary Poppins” hundreds of times. The louder their kids sang along, the more the DeMuros smiled.
• They were a tag team when it came to raising their three kids. When Mr. DeMuro got home from work, he was a hands-on parent, so Patricia DeMuro could head to her night job.
• They did everything together.
• They lived in a two-flat with relatives upstairs.
• The children went to school across the street at Our Lady Help of Christians. They’d come home for lunch.
• When the family moved in 1968, Mrs. DeMuro brushed up her secretarial skills and landed a job at AT&T. Mr. DeMuro was an order filler for Motorola and worked at a cutlery firm.
• They would take bus tours and cruises to Alaska and the Caribbean, along the Mississippi River and through the Panama Canal.
• They loved going to Massachusetts in the fall to watch the leaves change colors.

Laughed a lot, basic living, enjoyed their kids (loud kids made them smile!), sang corny songs, made home-made sausage, hands-on parenting as a team, living with relatives in the same house, kids went to Catholic school, she worked to help bring in money, he worked two jobs, simple pleasures. They did everything together.

Now let’s see how their kids describe them and their life with their parents:

• They remember Dad barbecuing and getting the biggest kick out of watching the kids play.
• The homemade sausage was so good, it spoiled them for anything else.
• Their parents roller-skated, bowled and played pinochle together and even used his-and-hers lawnmowers to mow their grass side-by-side.
• Mom was really in tune with their schoolwork. She was there all the time. She slept while they were at school.
• Sundays meant pot roast for dinner.
• They were always asking them ‘How ya doing? Are you OK?’ Always checking up on them. They were encouraging.
• Dad enjoyed taking his sons golfing at Salt Creek Country Club in Itasca.
• The family liked hitting Wood Dale Bowl and watching Clint Eastwood spaghetti Westerns at the old Thunderbird Theater in Hoffman Estates.
• Dad would do the shopping and mom the cooking, making homemade ravioli, manicotti, pizza, pineapple upside-down cake and Italian cookies.

Togetherness, availability, genuine interest, hard-working, tender moments, frugality, attentiveness to the children’s needs.

What stands out to me is how happy they were, and more importantly, how happy the children were. Their children felt they had a rich life growing up. They certainly were not poor. Pot roast on Sunday is very middle class. They were careful with their money. And I’m sure they were “savers” and had money due to their being careful with their money and not reckless. They lived within their means, but still did special things. It was not a life of extravagance.

Another thing that stands out to me is that the things the children point out are all have to do with how the couple interacted together at a friendship level. It does not seem that either one dominated the other. The mutual respect seems to be what the children took from their relationship.

It really goes to show that bonding as friends with a mutual respect of each other is a key ingredient to success in marriage. Each person is free to be themselves, yet has a desire to do things together and be together. Seeking someone you can have that kind of bond with goes so far beyond age differences, physical attraction, child-bearing requirements, and the many kinds of things single people allow themselves to get so caught up in.

And this couple took the plunge. They saw in each other someone they wanted to be with; a suitable partner. They did not question it or ponder too deeply about if this is the one God had in mind. They did not reject the other in hopes of finding someone better. They probably gave it no thought at all. Since they were both people who approached life with simplicity and were not hard people to please, they knew how to be content and appreciate what they had. I’m sure this prepared them well for finding the kind of love in another person.

On her deathbed, Mr. DeMuro was brought in to see Mrs. DeMuro. He said “Hi Babe,” and she said “Lou, I love you. I had a wonderful life. I’ll see you in another place.” They lived in such close union with each other in that bond of love. So it was fitting that, at the end, they died together, succumbing within hours of each other from a multitude of ailments. Lou had leukemia, Parkinson’s disease and was in hospice. Patricia had diabetes, high blood pressure and heart failure. In the end, they both needed others to care for them. But their desire was always to take care of the other, especially each other’s hearts.

It is not dumb luck or a fluke that they cherished each other for 62 years and still felt so close after all that time. They gave themselves completely to the other, and wanted to, and found joy in it. If we all would approach life with simplicity and as content people, without over expectations and qualifications about the people who come along and whom we date, we just might end up with a life of love as Lou and Patricia DeMuro shared.