6 Stone Jars

I thought I might make a kind of a “job description” for men interested in dating and finding love that ends in sacramental marriage. It might read something like this:

Wanted: Dating Catholic Male

Job Description:

Seeking single Catholic men capable of pursuing Catholic women with the purpose of finding one who will make a suitable marriage partner. Must be willing to make the decision to live with her for a lifetime of love, commitment, and responsibility in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Appropriate applicants must consider dating to be an activity that leads to marriage, not just something to do. Must have real intention to permit things to get serious and take responsibility for love that may develop.

Job Requirements:

- Must not fear commitment. Those afraid of the serious responsibilities that come with falling in love and making a commitment to marriage need not apply. We recognize that a level of fear is natural. As long as it is a nervousness that does not disrupt the ability to act on love, then you are still encouraged to apply.

- Must study and memorize the Catholic Church’s teachings on the ends and purpose of marriage, which can be found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. You are dating women to eventually marry one, be faithful, live with her until death, and be open to children.

- Must take the concept of being the pursuer with seriousness and willingness. Must be willing to make her feel special. Pursuing the heart of a woman is a lifetime role. You can’t stop pursuing once she is caught (i.e., once you are married).

- Must expect to be rejected many times before finding the right person.

- Must accept rejection gracefully and respectfully, never attempting to inflict negativity on the woman for her decision.

- Must understand that authentic pursuing is always with chastity and charity. This means you don’t pursue with wrong motives like lust or control. It is a selfless pursuit, seeking the good and happiness of the woman, even at the risk of being rejected. Must take the lead in the relationship to ensure you do not have pre-marital sex, nor any kind of sexual expression. Get rid of pornography, or any other impurity in your life, stop masturbating, and do all you can to be a chaste and pure man.

- Must be willing to attempt pursuing after an initial rejection. Sometimes a rejection is just part of playing hard to get. A woman might not know how to interpret a man’s pursuits. She might be inclined to reject because of uncertainty. An intelligent man is observant of this and is willing to risk rejection again, even multiple times. Timing and the way you present yourself is important. It could be it was not the right timing, or you did not pursue her in an acceptable context. Be cautious. You don’t want to come across as a stalker or harassing or make her feel uneasy. When in doubt, accept the initial rejection with dignity and move on.

- Must be trustworthy.

- Must deal with any issues of your past. Marriage for men is about leadership. We are looking for men who work hard at addressing their own issues, as well as share them with the women they date. This kind of disclosure helps a woman know she is dealing with a man who takes responsibility for himself.

- Must have confidence, which comes from knowing who you are. You must always maintain your self-respect, your dignity, and your confidence that God loves you. When you have confidence, you can acknowledge that women are different from men. They are women. They don’t act like men, think like men, decide like men, see things like men, nor react like men. You must expect the unexpected when dating and falling in love with a woman. Confidence helps you keep your perspective about yourself as you navigate through the wonderful and often terrifying complexity that is a woman.

- Must be humble, which means you must ALWAYS keep in mind that women have to put up with you as well. After all, you are a man, and you are just as much a puzzle to her as she is to you.

- Must be willing to practice patience. Patience is an acquired virtue over a lifetime. You must be willing to grow in patience while dating and in marriage. Otherwise, a spouse risks being a scourge to the other rather than a blessing if for one of you, patience is lost more often than exercised.

- Must be docile. The ability to compromise and tolerate is critical to accepting the role of husband in marriage. If you are too set in your ways, too demanding of your will or expectations, or too insistent, you cannot live married life and should not be dating. Docility does not mean being a doormat, so you must not be the type to give in to everything a woman says or wants.

- Must have a strong prayer life. Stay connected to God through Christ, His Church, and the Sacraments, especially confession and the Blessed Sacrament. A weak prayer life causes a man to turn on himself and rely on himself, which disconnects him from the source of power and grace. Marital love is impossible to live out without a focus on Christ.

- Must desire to serve others. This can’t be stressed enough. If you want to find a woman who will first serve your every need, then this is not the job for you. A man must desire marriage as the life where he makes his wife happy, content, and at peace.

This job description attempts to help men be encouraged, focused, and see their very accessible potential to become the quality man that good women want, and the necessary action to take in order to successfully attract and marry such a woman.

Many single Catholics who have never been married have no interest in considering someone who has been married before as a future spouse. Not even those eligible for sacramental marriage who have a decree of nullity.

And why is this? It’s not an unreasonable thing for a person never married to want someone also never married. But can we go as far as to have this as a preference or an insistence? Are previously married people some sort of second class citizen? Do those they have to stick to their own kind? Never marrieds(NM) marry other NM, and divorced marry the divorced?

Are we absolutely positive that God does not want us to be open to someone divorced who is now eligible for sacramental marriage via their decree of nullity?

I had a very interesting conversation at our recent Ave Maria Singles retreat with a woman who was communicating with a man who had on his profile that he only wants to date women who are NM. Being a divorced woman and in the annulment process, she let him know she was, in fact, previously married and wished him well. She told me she also gave him a piece of advice:

“Not all of us who have been through a divorce end up bitter and nasty with baggage. Many of us know all too well what a marriage should and should not be.”

I applauded her for offering him this advice. More singles who have never been married and adamant about only marrying someone NM need to hear this advice. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, but there could be everything wrong with being so narrow-minded.

If you are a NM, I would like to offer you some fair warning about those who are presently single (divorced) with annulments:

Annulled Catholics often make the best spouses.

There it is. And don’t say I didn’t warn you. Not the warning you were expecting? That’s probably because too often the warning you hear is to stay away from those who are presently single(PS) because they are scarred, bitter, carry a lot of baggage, and are basically incapable of being in a successful marriage.

There is no denying that many who go through divorce have suffered a great deal, have things to resolve, and need healing. Some never quite get past the negative experience of divorce and are not ready (maybe never will be) for being open to a relationship and marriage. You should definitely make sure you are not dealing with a PS who is not quite ready for a relationship.

But there are many divorced Catholics who have come out of the bad experience positive and are ready for real love and an authentically Catholic marriage. They are free to marry in the Church and have much to offer.

They have spiritualized the sufferings they have endured and grown through them. They have found healing through the annulment process of the Catholic Church. They’ve learned a great deal about themselves and about what marriage should be.

There are so many incredible divorced Catholics eligible for sacramental marriage who are past what is fantasy and unrealistic about marriage, and have simplified their expectations. They know the value of having and being a good spouse, are easy to please, anxious to serve, and know how to be content. They know what is important and are no longer distracted by false senses of love. They will not make the same mistake twice.

They are at peace with themselves and focused on God. They want real love and know how to give it. They are level headed and not easily fooled. You can’t help but notice as you date them how clear minded and wise they are. They have so much to give, except their time to waste. They long for real love but will sooner live without it rather than marry again despite it.

This is not to make the presently single(PS) out to be better than someone who is a NM. But it is definitely to encourage the NM not to avoid the PS.

God is the cause of every person who comes into our life. Keeping an open mind and heart is to live in trust of God. The more we try to control, insist, prefer and demand, the less God can do for us, and the more blind we become to those God is influencing to cross our paths.

It is not unlikely that God would want you to be open to someone PS who is eligible for sacramental marriage. After all, in the eyes of God, a person with a decree of nullity has never been married.

So be careful, never marrieds. It is totally possible to find a PS who captures your heart and is better than any NM you have dated. You just might find out that by being open to a divorced Catholic with a decree of nullity, you have discovered love like you never imagined, and live a marriage more blessed and exemplary than you ever could with another NM.

Some time ago I wrote about a good wife from God’s point of view. Since then, many have written to me requesting that I write about a good husband from God’s point of view. I put it off because unlike the Scripture passages that specifically say “A good wife….,” there are no passages that specifically say “A good husband…”

Interesting. Does this mean that God is not as concerned about what a good husband should be, only what a good wife should be?

This week, a man wrote to me in response to an article I wrote concerning women who are tempted to call a man after the first date. He said “I believe it is my role to pursue, but women still tell me they are too busy or not interested.” His concern is being rejected.

There lies part of the answer of what a good man should be, and what makes for a good husband. I explained to him that the life of a man is to pursue and to be rejected. This obviously applies to dating in that men have to ask women out, and they will likely undergo a fair amount of rejection before meeting a woman who is open to his further pursuit.

But it also applies to marriage. Pursuit and rejection do not end once you are married. A man must continue to pursue his wife. A man is always at work to make the one he loves feel special, loved, treasured, in short; make her feel happy. Her joy, in turn, is to be all the things God points out through the Scriptures about what a good wife should be.

No one likes to be rejected, but men have to learn how to accept rejection. It is part of the job description. If men are going to date or be a husband some day, then they have to subject themselves to rejection and take being rejected well.

As the man pursues the one he loves, he might be rejected, even in marriage. There are many reasons why a woman might not be open to her husband. Perhaps he did something stupid (I know, hard to believe, right?) and she has distanced herself. Or perhaps she is going through something emotionally that causes her to be not the most attractive person at that moment. The man’s role is to rise above his feelings and do whatever he can to reinstate her.

This is very biblical. St. Paul, the book of Song of Songs, and God’s love for Israel as compared to a bride and bridegroom. We see God and the person of Jesus associated as the male role in a love relationship and in marriage.

St. Paul provides the call of a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. The Song of Songs is the presentation of the courtship of God and His people Israel, with God (the bridegroom) pursuing the Church (the bride), and is the symbol of the union of Christ and His Church. And there are many passages (found in Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel) of God living out his unbreakable covenant of love with Israel, even when she is unworthy and unlovable.

God pursues, both during courtship as well as during the marriage. He is always pursuing, even when his bride is unfaithful. God shows that a man in love is never stationary, and his pursuit never comes to an end. He is always on the move, because love inspires him to act on behalf of his beloved.

He also shows us that a good man/husband has a sense of dedication, devotion, and service; making the life of his wife and family a priority over his own:

Ephesians 5:25-27: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Clearly, St. Paul is saying that the man has the responsibility to sanctify his wife through a sacrificial love. His “mission” is to die for his wife in every way possible. The splendor of his wife represents himself. A good man, therefore, proves he is at the service of others, ready and available when there is a need, able and willing to put aside his own wants and needs for a higher good. A woman, in turn, has to respond and she has to lend support for your mission. But that is another matter.

Living these qualities while single and displaying them during the dating process is essential. A woman wants to know she is special and unique to you. She is not going to assume or hope you will love like this later and marry you now. She needs to experience love that pursues and is dedicated to only her. She will then slowly but surely build trust in your love and open her heart until finally she is completely yours.

Pursue with courage and without ceasing. Be respectful, kind, considerate, and patient. Take rejection like a man, always renew your resolve, keep working on yourself and improving the way you pursue. Stay close to God with confidence in His love for you, and confidence in who you are. Smile, have a good sense of humor, and keep serving others. Never give up. There is a woman out there for you, and lots of rejection to endure before you find her.

Dear Anthony,

I was on a first date with a man recently that went very well for both of us and ended with my clearly believing we would see each other again. After four days, I called him to find out when we would be going out again.

You really called to get closure. That’s understandable. Women need closure in order to move on. But his not calling you in a reasonable amount of days post first date was all the closure you needed, if you felt four days was too long to hear from him. Your contacting him has burned the bridge of any hope that he might still contact you to go out again. Women cannot forfeit their mystery just to get closure.

A man who does not call is likely not interested. It might be that he wants to take time to see if you are that type of woman who has to be called right away, and if not, will be unsettled and feel she has to make the call. I’m not saying men do that maliciously (God forbid, that would be really distorted), but more subconsciously based on bad experiences of dating women who seem to them (though they might have misinterpreted) like needy or over anxious women.

Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested. If there are men out there who are not quite sure what to do after a date has gone well and the women clearly showed interest, there are problems there that a woman should not be interested in taking on.

My concern is that you take time to realize and understand your dignity as a dating woman, which is your mystery. Your mystery is what makes a man want to see more of you and discover who you are. Each date reveals a little more about you that is intriguing without giving away the ending. Men who get too much of a woman at one time choke on it. They can’t process it, and therefore they panic or are too overwhelmed and just decide it is not worth it. Or worse, they have seen too much and find the pursuit way too easy or dull (lacking adventure).

Provide the man with a sample of you to generate interest, and at the end of the date to give a clear indication you would be interested in going out again. Perhaps you say, “I enjoyed myself, thank you, I hope we can do this again sometime,” something like that. If you don’t present anything interesting about you, nor give him a clear green light that he can ask you out again, then he will not be interested.

To get impatient and make the call after the date might make you feel better, but it has hurt your chances of maintaining that man’s interest. So you should not have called him. It would be better if you just resumed your normal life and kept him in your prayers.

A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. You might say “I am not impatient, I just want to hear that he is not interested.” You want closure. But what if four days of not hearing from him is not closure for him? Maybe he is getting up the nerve to contact you again. Maybe he is praying about you. And again, maybe he is just waiting to see if you are going to pursue him instead of allowing him to pursue you.

I realize that many women are sick of this aspect of dating; namely, the going out on a date, having a great time, and then being left to hang there wondering what is going to happen next. But you have understand that there is a big problem with women allowing themselves to hang there at all.

You have dignity. You have to know that for some lucky man, you are a good catch. You have to understand that the right man is going to recognize who you are and want you. You have to accept that dates are just that; dates. There are no promises or guarantees after a date. Though the date went well and you both seemed like you really liked each other, a good night’s sleep might make things look different in the morning. Or praying about it might change one’s mind. Who knows?

The fact is, you are a person and a woman worthy of a good man FOR YOU. You want him to be good for you. No man who sees who you are and has interest is going to pass up on an opportunity to see you again. So do not succumb to that temptation to need closure.

A good date is a blessing, even if it never goes further. You got to go out, you had a good time, and you felt like a woman and human. Wonderful! Thank God for that. But it is selfish to over desire for that to continue. It is natural to want that feeling again. Who wouldn’t? But a woman’s dignity should never be sacrificed for the hope that taking control of the situation will produce another date. I’m sure most women you talk to will attest that this rarely works.

You are a woman. A woman has mystery. A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery. A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms. If he is interested, his pursuit will be pleasingly timely. If his silence is unreasonable, then allow him to move on without your effort to take control. You never know if God has a timing for the two of you contrary to your own expectation.

In the meantime, preserve your dignity, your mystery, and be firm in your trust in right man for you taking action. Wait for the post-date call. He will call. Pray for strength to resist the need for things to happen in your time and the need for closure.

It is a popular notion that the love between a man and a woman should be unconditional; without any condition of love in return by the other. This is a very romantic notion. Who wouldn’t want to be loved unconditionally in marriage?

Though we are called by Jesus to love all human beings, I think this unpractical expectation about love between a man and woman sends the wrong message. Do we really want to be in this kind of marriage? Do we really find it appealing that we should love the other despite anything they might say or do?

It certainly would be great if someone loved US unconditionally, so that we are assured of receiving love as we don’t return it. But it’s not so appealing to love another as they don’t return it. In fact, it’s humanly impossible to sustain such a situation. Sustaining such a situation would require God’s grace.

Unconditional love calls us to love our enemies and do good to those who persecute us. It’s a call to forgive, be a peacemaker, and pray for everyone. It’s “unconditional” is because it is deliberate act of the will in the name of God, having nothing to do with the how the other person responds.

Though we are called to pray for an enemy, we are not expected to live with them. It’s one thing to have to put up with a boss who is mean. Because you don’t have to live with him, you can find a way to tolerate the situation. The Lord has given all the baptized the mission to love unconditionally. This is NOT, however, the mission of married couples to each other.

Marital love is a “mutual” love; a mutual giving of persons to each other. It is a choosing of the other person. It’s love that accepts failings at love. It grows from these falls “on condition” that there is a desire and an effort to improve. The love is sustained despite ongoing failures because being with that person is more of a positive than any negative moments.

Who would go into marriage knowing that the other was going to stop loving them, and they would be stuck having to love that person who no longer loves them? No one! It’s the worst of situation imaginable. To have to love someone who doesn’t love you in return and without it affecting you so you can always sustain that love is unrealistic, to say the least. A successful, fulfilling Christian marriage where both person grow as individuals happens only on condition that the love is mutually exchanged.

No marriage is perfect, meaning both person are mutually exchanging love to perfection at all times. As one fails in love in moments, the other must help the fallen one up through forgiveness and understanding. They start again and move forward, maintaining at the core that intention and commitment to mutually give of themselves.

As we date, we must be able to recognize the capability to have a mutual love exchange. If the person seems too self-centered or controlling, or unsupportive of your interests, then there is reason to pause and consider if this is what you want.

It is very possible to be so caught up in the wonderful things about the person you are dating that you are blind to these very important signs that the person won’t be able to live the call to mutual love required in marriage. They might be a very lovable person, but are you willing to love this person for a lifetime despite their unloving tendencies? Perhaps you are. As I said earlier, the person we marry must be more of a positive that makes any negative bearable. In other words, you love them despite their faults.

To love someone despite their faults is also a very romantic notion. However, Christian marriage is too important of a call to be entered into loosely or stupidly. We have a moral obligation to determine the difference between a fault and an impediment to mutual love. Our love for another needs to transcend above the romance of emotions and feelings, to the practical world of actions that build up the other to be the person God calls them to be.

This is a mutual exchange. It can’t be one-sided. Asking yourself during the dating process: Do I see both of us displaying a capability and desire to serve and accept each other for who we are, as well as forgiveness when we fail?

The dating process is the practicing of this mutual love exchange. You can’t start the official ball game if you don’t see the potential during practice. Marriage is on-the-job training, and as you are married and living marital love, you will grow better and better at it.  However, you cannot expect this kind of mutual love to happen within marriage if you don’t see aspects of it before marriage.

It’s a terrible thing when one of the partners becomes unlovable in marriage and makes the other person feel trapped or puts them in a position of suffering. It is at these unfortunate times the one person who has to carry the load of the marriage must love the other unconditionally. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish. It requires a union with God and cooperation with divine grace. Many people are not spiritually developed enough to endure these times when unconditional love is called for. It makes sense that the relationship dies. Whether they divorce or not is irrelevant. The death of love is, in and of itself, a tragedy of marriage. This internal death can not only affect the marriage and the family, but cause the loss of that person’s “personhood.” They become a shell of a person going through motions.

This does not mean you have to put up with any type of treatment. Abuse, for example, whether verbal, physical, mental, psychological, is something that aims at harming the spouse being abused. A person in a marriage that threatens to harm them does not have to take it, and in many instances has an obligation not to allow it.

This is not the dignity of marriage intended by God. We must do all we can to ensure that our marriages will give glory to God through the mutual love exchanged, and the children that are co-created by the couple with God.

Though most marriages have hardships, they should all have the dignity marriage requires. This starts with both persons acknowledging each other’s personal dignity. Without dignity, there is mistreatment and abuse, which is an offense to marriage.

Love all people unconditionally, but grow in mutual love with that one person towards and in marriage with condition. You need each other giving true love to each other. Do not expect one person to carry the load of loving. That is not the call of marital love. Make each the other happy first, and you will always be happy in turn.

In Psalm 81, God is anxious for us to allow Him to take care of us. If only we would keep faith and trust in Him! He reminds us of all He has done and what He is capable of. “Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” That is His promise to us.

Sadly, we are inclined to give up too easily on God and trust in our own ability to control our situations. We lose sight of God and allow fear to cloud our reason.

Many single Catholics struggle, almost daily, between knowing they should trust in God and leave the matter of their vocation to marriage in His capable hands, and despairing that it will never happen.

If we’re being honest, we would admit that our faith and trust in God on this matter is primarily intellectual. Where our faith really lies is with own ability to make things happen to affect our bottom line for a future marriage.

The result is one failed relationship after another, and a good deal of interior hardship that weighs on our ability to maintain a perfect peace and joy.

We fail in our relationships and we struggle with unrest and loneliness in between relationships because we do not have faith nor trust in God. He has left us to our own designs.

Our own designs. What are they? They are the multiplicity of thoughts and actions that stem from our main design, following our own will. We are stubborn about our will. We like our will. We trust the plans we have in our will. We lack the humility to act appropriately in our lives in accordance with God’s will, which is the only way to effectively prepare for and live marital love.

It is no easy thing to stare in the face of God’s will and say yes. Original sin has secured ferocious pride in each of us that always seeks to take control. Humility should prompt us to allow God to be in control. But we are two faced, hypocritical, and living a double standard. We don’t realize it because we are stubbornly living it without appropriate reflection on what God would want. And let’s face it, we all think we are pretty good people and don’t think ourselves capable of living a double standard. But we must become anxious to cast off our own will and our desire to control things.

Living this life for God in all things is the only way to be happy. Finding peace in our state is required. Being of service to God and our fellow man is required. Having genuine joy in all that happens is required.

So what are these failures of trust in God, and the double standards that confirm we are attached to our own will rather than God’s will? Here are a few considerations:

1. Praying for a good a Catholic spouse while you lack qualities that can attract such a person, and choosing not to work on yourself.
2. Going through the motions of living the faith, but still living in ways that contradict those pious activities.
3. Pursuing activities and work situations that are not conducive to meeting a quality person.
4. Desiring a good Catholic man or woman who practices their faith and lives purity while you are living impurely yourself.
5. Repeating the same mistakes in your dating experiences instead of learning from them.
6. Being quick to blame and find faults in the people God brings into your life.
7. Never asking Jesus to enlighten you about your faults. You should be begging him to change you into the person your future spouse would be attracted to.
8. Seeing marriage as something to please yourself rather than a vocation of service to God through another person, and therefore making your search for a suitable partner one based on selfish ambitions such as excessively attractive outward looks and body shape and romanticism and pleasure of every kind, instead of focusing on good character, capability of fulfilling marriage requirements and husband and wife roles, and parenting qualities.
9. Giving up on someone too readily because of the misunderstanding that love is not there if you get hurt or you don’t feel loved. Experiences challenge you to step up in maturity rather than over-react and get easily discouraged. Love is fashioned through the fire of suffering.

God tells us that He is ready to handle everything and conquer all our enemies, if only we would trust in Him. Give everything to Him! Live for Him! Only then can you have the ability to love someone else.

It is the ultimate double standard to say we love God and trust Him to take care of the things in our life, and to be stubborn about letting go. We need a single standard in our lives; one that relies on God for all things.

It’s great that you want to be married. But should you be married? Can you get married? Will you ever get married? We play a role in finding our spouse, but God plays more of a role than we realize. In humility will we find ourselves closest to God and content about whatever happens in our life because it is His will.

Abandon the double standards of your life, starting with false piety. Proceed toward a life of practicing daily abandonment to Divine Providence. True love has no double standard, and only one face; the face of Christ among us.

Are you too stubborn about what you want in a spouse to take heed to what God wants you to look for in a spouse and how to go about it? Are you too stubborn to change your ways and work on your issues? Don’t let God leave you to your own designs. Trust Him. Let Him take total control. You will have perfect peace and happiness, and you will be a very attractive person to the opposite sex.

With this kind of trustful surrender, whether marriage happens or not is inconsequential, for you are already in sync with God. But it takes humility. Pray for it daily, and pray that God never leave you to your own designs. Pray Psalm 81. God wants to take complete care of you. Only in great humility can you open wide your mouth so that God can fill it.

Don’t you get tired of there being so many rules about dating? It can be exhausting thinking so much about something that should be natural and spontaneous.

The fact is much of the process of dating is common sense. Unfortunately, people seem to have lost their common sense. What should come naturally has become a lot of work, full of second guessing and fears of failure.

Take the concept of pursuing. All the self-help books say that the man is the pursuer. This, they say, is because men are the hunters and women nest. Men go out with their shotgun to procure dinner for the family. The woman takes the animal and prepares the meal.

Much is made about men needing to be the ones to hunt for their woman if they want to be married. They have to show their natural leadership capability by going out and procuring a wife. A woman is the helpless damsel who must wait to be hunted. This kind of thing sounds good when you read it in a book. But it is quite a different story.

Sit in on a table of male friends having a drink and talking about girls and you will hear tales of how they can’t figure women out. They don’t lack confidence, they are confused and considerate. These men are ready, willing, and able to go after a girl. They just are a) confused because the signals women give out are unclear, and b) considerate about not wanting to put a girl in an uncomfortable situation. Perhaps they are even a bit self-protective because they don’t want get it wrong.

Now sit in on a table of women chatting about boys and you will hear stories about how they do all kinds of things to get a boy’s attention. They share tactics on how to get a boy to like them. Women are active and determined when it comes to figuring out how to land men.

Men very much need help from the women. They want to pursue but don’t want to initiate without having a chance. And they feel like they have a chance when the woman gives him some signal that he is wanted and welcome to approach.

Women are not passively waiting for men to approach them. They are the pursuers. And they are a dedicated team. Have you noticed how women love to help their fellow women out? They don’t have any intention of waiting around to be pursued. They know that the matter of attracting the attention of a boy is in their very capable hands.

It is an age-old reality that women are actually the pursuers. No, they don’t do all the pursuing, nor do the actual leading. But they are definitely the pursuers. And in fact, throughout every stage of a relationship and long into marriage, women lead the men because fundamentally, a man’s desire is to please the woman he loves. So women have the power to lead a man wherever she likes.

Men need to build the confidence they already have. And they need to overcome the insecurities they are inclined to when it comes to approaching a woman. And, in fact, they often need help noticing a woman in the first place.

Women have the natural ability to help men through all of these factors. Men need a little encouragement. Perhaps it is through eye contact with a second glance. Perhaps it is a smile that no man can mistake as invitation. I’m sure you are well acquainted with the endless subtle methods of getting a man’s attention. If you aren’t, you need to start asking some girlfriends you can trust to teach you respectable ways of doing this.

These methods all fall under the category of what I call the “drop your hanky” approach. This comes from the days when a woman would literally drop her handkerchief at the foot of man she wanted the attention of. He would pick it up and hand it back to her. Their eyes would meet, smiles would be exchanged, and a brief conversation would take place. Had she not dropped her hanky, he would not have had a legitimate reason to approach her.

Too many women today have taken an unnatural and frankly unlady-like approach to pursuing men they are interested in. They are also very careless and insensitive about sending out mixed signals to men, which has caused much of the confusion men deal with today.

Online dating has become a primary way for men and women to meet. However, online dating has really thrown quite the monkey wrench in how women send out signals to men. You can’t batch your eyelashes to anyone in a search result.

There are definitely some things a woman can do online without being forward. The first thing pertains to the woman making initial contact. This goes against the grain of many women because they feel they should be pursued by a man. So they wait to be contacted. This is a mistake, in my view. Men need help. They need a signal that it’s okay to approach. Write a very brief initial message that simply comments on something you liked on his profile. It will prompt him to review your profile, and if he likes what he sees, he will reply with further interest.

The second thing pertains to receiving an initial contact from the man. He is feeling you out, no matter how awkward his message is. If you have the heart to give him a chance, reply in a way that shows invitation to pursue. Otherwise, just be direct and say “Thank you for writing, but I am not open to further communication. I wish you every blessing.”

Other than these, there isn’t any way to send signals of interest unless the website offers you the ability to do so. At Ave Maria Singles we have a Drop Your Hanky feature. A woman can simply click this option and the man will receive a notice. It doesn’t get any more obvious. The ball is in his court.

Pursuing a man is the most natural thing in the world for a woman. Women have thrown men into great confusion today because they have become open and careless with their expressions, to the point where a man cannot safely determine if the woman is simply being friendly or is signaling that she is interested.

So ladies, be careful with your natural charms and your God-given abilities to pursue men. Understand what men need by way of signals from you and learn how to use them properly and effectively. Men need your help. They can’t read your mind. Don’t expect them to know you’re interested. Drop your hanky in whatever way that is. Then allow them to take over the pursuit, while you cleverly keep leading them, always making sure they know it is they who are doing the pursuing.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that dating is a learning process. Understanding the opposite sex is a challenge.

I wonder how many of us actually consider what will be learned about the person as plans are made. We don’t typically get excited about going on a date with someone we are interested in by saying, “I cannot wait for the education I am going to get.” There is more of a concentration on selfish things like will he/she like me or find me attractive, what what will be done or where you will go, and how you should dress for the occasion.

I don’t think we realize just how selfish we are in our approach to dating another person. It’s natural, of course, and there are important reasons to consider ourselves when it comes to a date and its outcome. Obviously, we want to know first that we have interest in being with this person, and we need to know that this person has interest in being with us. No one wants to waste their time if they can help it.

Much of dating today has become a quest for compatibility, with no time allotted for cultivating the mystery that is the other person. This impatience in dating has caused a desire to impose oneself on another, as opposed to creating a relaxed atmosphere of persons open to experiencing the other with docility and an open mind (and heart, if you will).

The result is utilitarian approach to finding love. It makes the other person become a kind of conquered land, instead of an incorporation of persons towards oneness. Where is the person who will accept everything about me and adapt to my desires, lifestyle, geographic location, etc.? Your dates become interviews to find an applicant that can be hired to fulfill a job description.

But for dating to be authentic, it must always have at the heart of its purpose the desire for getting to know another person. If true love is to be established, its foundation has to be knowledge of the other, and a mutual sharing of each other over time.

Just as with God, we are to know, love, and serve Him in this life, so it is with love between a man and a woman for the purpose of marriage. If there is to be a commitment to service, which is marriage, there must be the desire to serve, which is love. And that love of two people for each other happens primarily because of getting to know each other. I know you and therefore I love you. No one desires to marry someone who is disagreeable to be with. They know, and therefore love. Love kindles and grows as you know more.

The time taken to get to know each other is the purpose of dating. It is a learning process, for sure. And we should approach dating as being about getting an education.

The education takes time, therefore effort is made to find time to be with each other in ways that foster getting to know each other. In time, you come to learn not only information and facts that the other divulges, but also the traits and idiosyncrasies that contribute to who they are.

Love develops as profound trust is established when it comes to sharing with each other. We are all very protective of ourselves. There are very few people we would trust with many things about ourselves. To find one person you can be your total self with and share everything with is not only a great blessing, but helps a great deal when it comes to the companionship desired in marriage.

Love draws two people toward marital intimacy as they mutually discover each other and desire to be together because of what they have learned.

It is unfortunate that we live in a time when the term “education” has lost its true meaning. Today, it has come to mean a kind of dictation of facts to others so those others might learn what is being presented. It suggests a one dimensional relationship of teacher to student.

Modern dating is like this. One dimensional, with a definitive blocking out of the other’s uniqueness and ability to change you. By this I mean that in a healthy relationship, the other person is able to make you a better person. Being with and around that person actually enhances you, compliments you, and yes, even changes you for the better. The changes are subtle, without really knowing they are happening, but they are significant enough to make others who have known you a long time say, “My, how you’ve changed.”

Change in this sense is good. People who move towards love and marriage have the power to change each other. Sometimes people change for the wrong reasons and for the worse. With the wrong person, you can change into someone you should not become. But if two people are loving and respecting each other for who they are, the changes that take place are authentic and Godly.

Often the dating experience will result in the exchange producing an inability to connect in a way that draws each other mutually deeper, and thus the relationship ends. What is learned from that experience can be taken into a future relationship. We grow from each relationship. We learn better how to educate, how to draw out the other out.

This is a very important aspect of dating. Anyone serious about marriage needs to have a basic skill in drawing out the person they love. In marriage, you are each other’s confidants. Your spouse is the one you trust the most with your heart. Any problem with the ability to safely share things with each other is a disservice to the marriage relationship at best, and can be a catastrophe for the marriage at worse. The person we choose to marry will be someone we have successfully drawn love out of, and brought all aspects of that love to light.

So when we go out on dates, let’s resist the temptation to analyze, criticize, and interview based on our own preconceived notions and expectations. Focus on the other person with good questions and a great listening ear.

Courtship is a beautiful process of discovery. It takes a lifetime to go to the full depths of the one we love. In fact, it never actually happens. That’s how much of a mystery the person is. But you can get very, very deep, which makes the love more fusing and mysterious, with less need on the physical aspects that young love depends on so much.

There is a point in courtship when you say, “I know enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life discovering you,” and there is engagement to be married. It takes being experienced and successful at educating each other to come to that point. May your education be productive and bear much fruit.

Lent is a period of time where reflection on our time on this earth should be pondered, and changes in our lives made based on this reflection.

Consider one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 90:

“Our life is over like a sigh….
Make us know the shortness of our life, that we may gain wisdom of heart”

Life has a way of fooling us into thinking we have much more time than we really do, or that we will never die. How do we use our time appropriately and wisely in everyday life? As unmarried persons, how does time apply to the vocation of marriage?

On one hand, you need to take your time and make sure that the person you marry is a wise choice. On the other hand, you need to make a decision sooner rather than later. It’s a catch-22.

How should we examine ourselves when it comes to how we utilize the gift of time? Take the time to look at yourself. This is not about the reality of marrying or not marrying. The reality is that some people will get married and others will not, due to a multiplicity of factors.

Some of these factors are not in our control, and marriage may elude many people despite all good efforts of prayer and actions. That is a mystery of life. However, there are many more factors that are within our control but often go undetected because time is not taken to examine ourselves.

I suggest that there is a shallow sense of contentment being single, despite the deep desire for marriage. The longing to be loved is at the heart of this desire. This is the most natural thing in the world, and it is right to look loneliness and lack of being loved straight in the eye and say “This stinks and I don’t like it one bit.” It is perfectly fine to feel that way.

God wants us to take that pain to Him and find refuge. There is a great comfort in knowing that time is short and the eternity waiting for us when we die has fulfillment and happiness unimaginable for those who love God and are faithful to Him.

But while we are here, this longing to be married to avoid loneliness and to receive the love we desire is real and should be pursued. How we deal with this longing can result in a shallow contentment that can work against actually being open to meeting someone and pursuing marriage.

There can be a tendency to fill up our time while single. And you can get so busy in your life that you’re no longer actually or practically open to meeting someone, even though you really believe you are.

You have a pretty nice life. You’re working a lot and find fulfillment in it, you have lots of friends and family you meet with regularly, you have your hobbies or recreation activities you are committed to, you have your volunteer work, Holy Hour schedule, etc.

You would like to meet someone, but you might not really care when it happens, if at all. You’re content. You are loved by many people and find a level of fulfillment in them that satisfies that longing to be loved. You are busy, active, and social; therefore you are not lonely.

This contentment is shallow because deep down you still want more; you do want that someone to share your life with. But now your life is cluttered with so many things and people there is no room for someone or time to develop a relationship. When prospects come along and you date them, you actually fear jeopardizing or losing these other things and people for someone that might not work out.

This is not to say that you are shallow. But that contentment can make one complacent about pursuing their vocation.

You might say, “What am I supposed to do? I want to meet someone but it’s not happening, and all the things I am involved in and the people I know are fulfilling my life and keeping me from loneliness. Isn’t that good too?” Are you prepared to give up the life you have carved out in order to invest in a new life? You will say “Of course I am, and I am always looking.”

Nobody wants to blame themselves for why they are still single or take responsibility for their own actions to thwart legitimate opportunities to have a suitable partner in their life. They don’t dare face the reality that they actually could have been married by now and living a happy life. Nor do they want to admit they are not marriage material and those who date them realize that along the way.

Not admitting these things is understandable. They are not easy truths to face. However, facing them is a necessity in order to make the possibility of marriage a reality.

Life is short, and time is definitely NOT on your side. We do not know when God will call us back to Him. Jesus told us to live every day as if it were our last. We had better make good use of every moment.

Therefore, it stands to reason that we should a) care a great deal about what exactly our vocation is, b) get into that vocation, and c) take seriously the timing of this vocation.

There are plenty of people out there that are using their time wisely, are doing all the right things for their cause, and are undoubtedly ready for and able to make a commitment to love in marriage. They suffer greatly because they have so much to give and no one give it to. They are living their life close to God and serving Him in their every day life. They are not who this article is for. They are ready.

This article is for those who know deep down, if they take the time for reflection, that they are making mistakes which are affecting their ability to enter into the vocation to marriage.

We are too protective of ourselves. We feel deserve so much that we dread making a fatal mistake. So we wait. We want a clear and definitive answer from God that will never come. We believe we have faith, but when it comes to a decision like marriage that requires faith, we are weak.

Meanwhile, time ticks away. Before you know it, your 20s are gone. It takes no time at all to blow past your 30s. Now you face your 40s and beyond, which is when you can become so set in your ways and have to deal with agonizing loneliness that requires heroic effort to get through. Then, as the Psalm points out, you hit your 70s and 80s and life is ended; over like a sigh.

Time is very short. Decisions need to be made and actions taken. Above all, life has to be lived in love and service. We are here to serve, not to be served. If you give yourself in love and service, you will be truly happy, and your time will have been wisely spent.

The psychological make up of a person is critical to marriage, because it is critical to the individual person. In marriage we must make a free will decision to commit ourselves to one person.

It is not an easy thing to know or understand the psychological make up of another person. Dating and courtship are a time of discovery about each other in order to make a decision about a life-long commitment. This decision needs to be as informed as possible. Taking the appropriate amount of time before engagement and marriage to get to know the other is critical.

But how do we really know we are getting the true self? This is precisely the problem of the psychological component in dating. It is important to have a proper understanding of what psychology means.

The word psychology comes from the Greek word “psyche” which means “soul.” Therefore, the correct meaning of psychology is the study of the soul. And what is the soul? For the founders of this word, the soul is understood to mean the mind. It is in the mind that thoughts are formulated and decisions are made. The mind forms the “I will” decision of every action.

So it is fitting that we look at dating as a time to get into the mind of each other in order to make that all important well informed decision to love, let alone marry. Love is very much an act of the will, not just a movement of the heart. In other words, to make a commitment to love someone must have at its foundation an understanding that you are loving a person who may or may not be the person you think they are.

Many people are in troubled dating relationships or marriages specifically because of the psychological dilemma one or both have presented in their relationship. This means that their minds have problems that affect their ability to make wise and prudent decisions, or to have an authentic ability to love or give themselves to another. Their ability to act appropriately or present their true self is hindered. Perhaps they are even incapable of knowing who they really are.

Some of this is a product of upbringing, but some of it has to do with unconfessed sin or unresolved guilt. Guilt that is not properly resolved has a way of preying on the mind and the body. The body is the vehicle of the mind’s decisions to act. When the body carries out actions that are not good, evil, or sinful, the conscience informs the mind that something is wrong, and the mind has to decide if it wants to resolve that problem or not.

This is where guilt is decided to be a friend or a foe. For those who live holistically (the person is the perfect harmony of mind, heart and body working together for higher good), guilt is a welcome friend that helps indicate that there is something wrong needing to be resolved. When guilt is rejected as an enemy, the conscience is clouded over or destroyed, and the mind is left to its own authority. The body is a helpless soldier with no recourse but to be forced to do even the most unwise and dangerous things without the conscience’s direction and aid.

Though it is true that we can never know completely the mind of another person, actions of a person provide clues that most often give a clear indicator to the mind; the psychological make up. What a person says and does ARE very often what they think. The verbal and the non-verbal; the words as well as body language make up the puzzle that is the person. It is wise to pay attention to everything in order to make the most informed decision possible.

Love that is driven by feelings and emotions often cause blindness to the truth that is presented. This kind of love causes one to not pay attention to the indicators of the psychological problems that person cannot help present. We then ignore the signs and indicators in favor of the positives of that person we do not want to lose.

Marriage must not ever be about what one feels. It must be about the dignity and requirements of marriage itself. Is this person capable of living out marital love and all that marriage requires? No one is perfectly ready for marriage, because living out marriage is how you learn to be married.

The psychological make up of a person determines their capability. Failures, imperfections, bad habits, even scars from upbringing and past relationships work on the psychological make up of us all. But these do not necessarily mean we are incapable of the marriage commitment. The connection to reality and to the conscience are the critical elements to determining you might be dealing with someone psychologically not ready for marriage or able to love.

How a person resolves their guilt, their conflicts, their problems, etc. is the key. Is there true sorrow? Is there a desire to make things right and ask forgiveness? Is there courage and ambition to amend their life? Is there humility to recognize and acknowledge these things, and the effort and commitment to work on themselves?

If yes, then there is good reason to believe they are capable of love and marriage. If there is no true contrition nor sincere apologies, and they are always expecting you to be the one to make changes, then you are looking at a toxic person and relationship.

An injured mind makes for a disrupted person. Every one of us has some sort of psychological disturbance. The road to mending an injured mind has much to do with loving and being loved. A healthy relationship with God always leads to mending our brokenness. Looking for another person to take God’s role never works, and can cause more harm. It starts with loving God and allowing Him to love you.

Then there is loving our neighbor through service because of love for God. We come out of ourselves and focus on others. This is called “connection.” The psychologically dangerous are the ones who cannot make that connection. Therefore, they are incapable of love that works to heal and build. They are incapable of marriage, which requires love that seeks to serve, not to be served.

Be wise with your time while dating. And beware of someone who will not allow you into their mind, where important knowledge of the true self resides. Take notice of all presented through the body. Be friends, because friends share everything and good friendship always works to mend the injuries and brokenness of each other through the power of love.