Are Women Unappreciative?

What is wrong with some women today?

I went into Panera this morning to get some coffee (and I admit their Bear Claws are too good to resist). I was standing in line when in comes a nice looking couple. Always having my business hat on, I paid attention to see if the man would be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. Sure enough, he did. I smiled and thought to myself, “good boy.”

Then he kept holding the door because there was another young lady approaching to enter. Well all right, I thought. This is a gentleman. The girl he is with must be proud.

I turned back to place my order, and within seconds, I could hear the young woman of that couple not so discretely and angrily chewing him out over something. Was it because he held the door open? Some women don’t care for that. Was it because he held the door open for someone else? Was it for some other reason?

I was not able to hear exactly what she was so upset about, nor did I try to. But I could not help thinking, this guy just held the door open for her, giving witness to what it means to be a gentleman and treat a woman properly, and here she is within seconds rudely treating him with such disrespect in a public place.

I gave in to the temptation to look over and saw the poor guy just standing there taking it, big sullen eyes and all. I felt very sorry for him. What could he have done to deserve such treatment at 8:00 in the morning on a beautiful sunny day? I doubt it was anything really serious. But even if it was deserving, that is not the time or place. No one deserves to be treated like that in public, for sure, and perhaps at all.

Just the way she sounded, it was very degrading. Is this how we talk to the people we love? Barking, shrieking, defaming comments? Unfortunately, this kind of tactic does not accomplish resolution. It might succeed in causing someone to feel bad and apologize, but whatever the issue is, it is not resolved.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this woman was over-reacting. She is probably the type of woman who is never satisfied and content with a man. Many women lack the appropriate tools a woman should have to draw out the love and devotion a man is capable of when he is with a woman who treats them right.

I have heard thousands of women complain about men over the years. Many of the things they complain about are legitimate things, but much of it is not. Women have a tendency to exaggerate and over dramatize what is wrong with men. What bothers me is the bitterness and negative attitude that is expressed along with their complaints.

My point is not to get into what are legitimate or non-legitimate reasons why women should be disgusted with men (or men toward women for that matter), but rather to point out that this is a matter of treatment. Women have a lot to say about how they should be treated, but they need to understand (and really work at practicing) how important it is to consider how a man should be treated.

For example, if a man does not hold the door open for you, it is not productive to contort your face in an “Are you for real?” type of look and with a snarky tone of voice say, “Don’t worry, I have the door myself.” Copping this kind of attitude only makes things worse. Men do not respond favorably to women who are easily and visibly angered, disturbed and reactionary.

One of two things typically happen when women display this attitude.
1) The man becomes silent and grows distant. Hopefully, he will recover later. But he might file that incident away and use it as evidence later as to why he should not make the effort to treat her better.
2) The man will become apologetic and scramble to do anything necessary to pacify the woman.

Either way, she loses. She is either fashioning a man who slowly develops a contempt for her, or she fashions a subdued dog type person, trained to respond to her every outburst and discontent with unquestioned desire to please driven by fear.

Not too desirable, wouldn’t you say? Yet, so many women seem to want this. Or if they don’t want it, they don’t understand how they are contributing to it.

No matter what it is that a woman has a problem with regarding a man, contemptuous behavior is never productive nor acceptable. If he bothers you that much or brings out the worst in you so easily, then end the relationship. Why compromise the gentle woman you are made to be? A good man is attracted to and tamed by a gentle woman.

We are talking about a consistent behavior. Everyone has their moments. Stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, and many other issues can cause arguments. God willing, an apology and hug can make things right. I am addressing a problem among many women today, even good Catholic women, who have allowed themselves to become a way that is very threatening to their ability to love a man. The woman in Panera did not think anything of demoralizing this man she was with in public, caring nothing for what it might look like to others. That means she has developed a bad and dangerous habit of reacting impulsively.

You have a problem with this man? Then have some self-control. Have some consideration of the dignity of this man and speak to him privately. It would also serve you well to wait and speak calmly, and in a way that is more inviting and non-threatening.

Develop the habit of praying to the Holy Spirit in moments when you sense any negativity brewing inside. Pray “Holy Spirit, help me calm down, preserve my dignity, don’t allow this to be made more than it is, and know that You have your hand on this. Bring me peace.” You will be the better for it.

I know there is a lot to complain about when it comes to men, but women need to start appreciating men more. If you have gotten to the point where you don’t thank him when he does something for you, or at least smile in an approving way, then you might be losing appreciation for him. Don’t let that happen.

 

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Do single men put the toilet seat down?

Picture Dwight Schrute saying, “Question.  Do single men put the toilet seat down?”  That’s a good question, Dwight.

Are toilet seats really the kind of subject matter for polite conversation?   I suppose not.  But I have to say, the toilet seat question is actually a pretty big deal.   Perhaps it shouldn’t be, but for many women, the ability of a man to put the toilet seat down is a courtesy they expect and a sign that he loves her and cares.

Of course, since we are in the restroom, we should also address the replacing the toilet paper issue; namely, the annoying action of just plopping it on top of the holder instead of putting it on the roller.

Guys, do you put the seat down?  And do you put the roll on the roller or just plop it on top?   I honestly don’t remember when I was single if I did these things.  But that’s because I’m a guy, and we really don’t think about such things.

These are not just issues of the married.  If you live at home with your family and have to deal with male siblings or your father, or if you have male visitor to your home, etc., you have crossed this issue.

However, for the married, it can be the kind of issue that triggers larger issues that are outstanding and unresolved, thus being the catalyst for a good fight, typically involving yelling and accusations about what is wrong with the other, with a desire to hopefully (though unrealistically) change the other person.

If it could be caught on camera and viewed by a large audience, it would result in much laughter.  Perhaps a comedian or two have done skits on this.  I’m not sure.  But nothing would compare to seeing it unfold with the actual persons.

It starts with the absurdity the wife feels for the lack of consideration by the husband to leave the toilet seat up, or if the toilet paper remains on top of the roller.   A kind of “last straw” look comes over her face, followed by a storming out of the restroom in pursuit of locating the good-for-nothing husband.  (Keep in mind she has totally abandoned the original purpose for which she has gone into the restroom in the first place, at least for the time being).

Upon locating said good-for-nothing, she asks a why question.  “Why do you insist on leaving that [choice words] toilet seat up?”  Notice the question includes a harsh assumption (i.e. insist), and said in a tone that is out of proportion with the question, as if to really state “This means war!”

I have never quite understood why women consider this to be the best first tactic.  Why ask why?  Do women really think men do this on purpose?   Picture a man going into his lavatory (I love that word) and saying to himself “Now, remember, don’t touch that seat, we really want to get her goat this time,” or “No, don’t put that roll of paper on the roller unless you want her to think you really care.”

I have to believe women know ahead of time there is no answer to that “why?” question.  Most why questions have no answer.  Just walk up to him with a smile, sit him down, take his hand, and say, “Now darling, I love you very much, you know that, but I just want you to know that when you don’t put the seat down it bothers me.”  Perhaps add, in only the gentle, loving way a wife can, “so please put the seat down or I will tear your hair out, my love.  Thank you.”

Will this solve the problem?  Of course not.  Men are dense, and they don’t think.   Does that make us terrible or incapable of marriage?  Not at all.  We are simply slow to learn when it comes to such things.

But if men could learn to put the seat up and to help out by putting the toilet paper on the roller instead of plopping it on top, it would go a long way in many ways.

1)  It will make her happy.  And guys, we do want to make our girl happy, no?
2)  It will NOT go unnoticed.  Women notice these things and they take note.  You will get some major brownie points.
3)  You develop a very good habit.  It not only accomplished the goal, but it also teaches you how to think about little things that don’t exactly matter to you either way.  It will open the door to other thoughtful things around the house you could start doing that otherwise you would not.
4)  You have a nice card to play if and when you get in trouble about some other little thing.  “At least I am putting the seat down, right?”  Having a card like that will always defuse the explosion that is coming at you.

Unfortunately, old habits die hard, so us married men have to endure causing many hardships on our wives and the aftermath of our rude misdemeanors around the house.  But there is hope for the single men who have time now to change their ways.

Single men and women who want to be married should be living their lives as single people developing habits that are conducive and productive for their future married life.    You will avoid many unnecessary disturbances in the home.  But more than that, you will have laid the foundation for becoming a person who will be thoughtful on more important and larger issues that can really make a marriage last and provide a maximum of happiness for the other.

This is a noble goal, to make another person as happy as they can be.  A thoughtful, attentive spouse can make that happen in a big way.  A thoughtless, self-absorbed spouse can make it just the opposite.

So if you want to make a girl happy, get into that habit of putting the seat down and putting the toilet paper on the roller.  Then start finding out other things that really make women smile and feel special, and develop those habits.  When you get married, you will be bringing to the table a lot of good little things that can make a difference.

A final word to the ladies.  I know our frat house ways are disturbing, but do go easy on us.  We are not personally out to get you.  We love you very much and want your happiness.  It’s just that we are men.  And please, please, if your problem is really with the toilet seat, then stick to only the toilet seat issue.  We cannot process an entire lifetime of rude and selfish behaviors thrown at us all at once.  You have a better shot at helping change our ways with a gentle and focused approach.  Otherwise, we will shut down and distance ourselves.

Love is in the little things that say you really noticed what is important to the one you love